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How to deal with abusive ex boyfriend/baby dad

(8 Posts)
almostfreemomma Thu 18-Oct-12 01:11:42

I don't know where to start but today am ready to let it all out and hopefully get some advice.

I dated my ex boyfriend for 5 years off and on. He was abusive emotionally, physically, verbally, etc. I did everything to please him first because I was naive, and then later because i just wanted to stop the fighting and name calling. I got into debt and ruined my credit, lost friends etc. Every time I would break up with him, he would beg and plead and promise to change and if you know the cycle of abuse, he would do so for just a little while and then go back to his old ways.

We have a child together, and he abused me through out the pregnancy and once my child was born. When my son was two weeks old, he almost strangled me to death, and i moved out and lived in a shelter with my son. He managed to get back into my life when my son was 6 months old by convincing me that he wanted to be the father he had never had..... anyway the cycle begun all over again and I finally broke up with him for good a year and a half ago. i moved to a different part of the country and I have not seen him since.

He knows what state I live in, but doesnt know exactly where and neither does he have my phone number. I wish I could just forget about him, but thats not possible because we have a child together.

He emails constantly saying he wants to see his son and be in his life. He also threatens that if I ever date someone else he will kill the both of us. He has promised to kill me several times.

I call him from a private number and let him talk to his son every once in a while because i dont want him to get angry and show up at my door step one day and kill us. Every time I talk to him though he begs me to get back with him when I refuse, he starts blaming me and calling me names despite everything I did for him. I paid all the bills while he sat home and watched video games. He has a criminal history and is depressed and possibly has bipolar disorder although he claims its not true and wont see a doctor or seek help.

I have gone to a women's group for abused women and have a good job and can care for my son now that I am done with school (i was in college the whole time this was happening) but I live in fear everyday and feel like I can not move on with my life. Its so frustrating that I do everything for my child and has never bought even a diaper but he has no trouble yelling at me and feeling entitled to seeing his child whenever, and expecting me to apologize for "stealing" his child and that I should pay for the trip for him to see his child.

Has anyone been in the same situation? what have you done?

PS. I called the police a few times that he hit mebut he would threaten me or tell me to drop the charges and he would leave me alone and so thats not an option. I have spoken to lawyers as well but I dont feel like they are giving me any real solutions. I am just so worried that this is how its always going to be.

Sorry this was so long

solidgoldbrass Thu 18-Oct-12 01:20:37

The first thing to understand is that this pathetic, ridiculous fucknugget of a man is not above the law. He doesn't have superpowers. He can't sneak through your letterbox or read your mind.

The solutions are there for you, you just have to believe in yourself and take them. There is plenty of evidence of his abuse of you by the sound of it; get a non-molestation order out which forbids him to contact you in any way. Contact the CSA about getting maintenance for your child, this can be done without you having to deal with him directly.

Courts will want to allow the child to have contact with the father though they can and do stop this if contact is going to harm the child (and a violent bellend with a big police record may well be seen as unsafe/unfit parent) - however, this can be done without you having to have any contact with him.

But you have to stop engaging with him Stop dealing with him. FFS get rid of any ideas about you being each other's soul mate or you the only one who can save him. Not only is it not possible to save someone set on fucking up everything, but actually the most useful thing he could do would be to die.

monsterchild Thu 18-Oct-12 01:51:16

I'm with solidgoldbrass on this one.

Also, you haven't seen him in 1.5 years. He wants you to bring your son to him. I'm guessing he's not coming to get you. He doesn't know where you are, exactly, and he hasn't done a damn thing to really find out.

I also agree that you need to stop calling him. Why are you doing this? How is this good for your son? Let ExP doing the heavy lifting and get in contact and do his job to show he's the father he never had.

If you file for custody, all proceedings will have to be where you are, so if you are worried he will do something to get his son back, be the first to the courthouse.

I'm guessing he is all hot air.

monsterchild Thu 18-Oct-12 01:57:03

Sorry, if he has emailed that he will kill you, you have all the evidence you need to keep him very far away from you.

Also, if you file paperwork, the court (especially if he has threatened you in email) will block your address and phone from being on any of the documents.

almostfreemomma Thu 18-Oct-12 02:01:43

Thank you solidgoldbrass and monsterchild. He claims that he cares for his son and wants to be the father he never had, but he has never tried to send a penny for his upkeep and wants me to be the one to take him there. I have told him on several occassions that he can meet me at the police station and see his son there but he doesnt do it and then claims i am keeping his son from him. I guess I just worry that he will get a private investigator and find me and show up at my work or at the day care. I also worry about losing contact with him and then his son always wondering about his father. I do know that alot of times he is full of hot air. he asked to talk to him on his 3rd birthday but didnt even mention a present or anything. I think its time for me to just cut him out completely

almostfreemomma Thu 18-Oct-12 02:03:13

I have saved all the emails he has writtne and think its time to print them out and take them to a lawyer

monsterchild Thu 18-Oct-12 02:08:14

And what you should know is if you are in the US, when you file for sole custody, he can't make the court change to his location. He will have to appear by phone or in person in the court where you are. Provided he even bothers to try to appear.

Also, he will have to pay the cost of travel to visit.

If you are in the US, you may get help from your local Legal Aid, as they have funding to assist in Domestic violence custody cases. They may have income limits, but give them a try anyway!

cestlavielife Thu 18-Oct-12 11:10:34

sto talking to him and ahve him go thru lawyers and courts for access - given his criminal hisotry supervised access only at a contact centre.

dont worry about whether he is depreessed or bipolar - not your problem. if he wants to put hat up as an excuse eh can do s. but it doesnt matter if he "mad(ill) " or "bad" - threatening to kill you is not acceptable and your cant have this man around your ds unlesss strictly supervised

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