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Should I Stay or Go?

(13 Posts)
shouldistayorgo Wed 17-Oct-12 19:47:18

I know that I am the only one that can answer this question, but do I leave my DH or stay.

We have a six year DC together, but I am really thinking of leaving my marriage and taking my DC with me. All the time I am trying to weigh up the pros and cons of what is best for me and my DC.

I really don’t have anyone in RL to discuss this situation with. So I am sorry if this is going to be a lengthy post, but I really do need to get this off my chest.

I really feel that my DH is lazy – he has his own business but only seems to work about three/four hours each day, so not bringing in an enormous wage. I have asked him to work for someone else, as this would bring in more money and also give us more security, but he states that it is too stressful. I then ask him to do things round the house if he has not got a lot of work on such as decorating etc. but his reply is that he can’t do this. Also, if he does start a job like decorating, it never gets finished, which I then decide, it is not worth asking him to even bother doing it in the first place. We have damp issues in the house so I have asked him to organise for someone to come and look at this, but again nothing is done about it. He states that it all costs money, but we have surplus money, but he doesn’t feel that we should be using it on decorating etc. I have said to him that I will ring round and get people to quote, but he always says to leave it to him. As I stated before, he works for himself, so our back garden is like a building site, he never cleans up, and we seem to accumulate other people’s rubbish. Don’t get me started on the untidiness he leaves around the house. There is always some excuse why things can’t be done, which has been going on for five years. So I have now come to the end of my tether with it all - I end up a nagging wife. I don’t want to have people round, as I am too embarrassed with the state of everything. Give him his due; he is very good to me in other ways, and he is very good with our DC, helping with school work, the taking and collecting from school etc.

So the question is would I be happier alone with DC. I am really scared that lone parenting will be extremely tough, especially when my DC is unwell and I am the only carer. Will I run out of energy and get brought down when it is challenging. I really don’t have a lot of friends in RL so I do rely on DH quite a lot; I am scared of being very lonely.

It all keeps coming back to living in a neglected house –v- being single and lonely.

Any help would be much appreciated.

MakeItALarge Wed 17-Oct-12 23:28:53

Hi, lone parents doesnt get much traffic if you moved this to relationships you'd get a much bigger response

I have just laughed all the way through your post, not because its funny but because at one point I could have written it myself!

No good advice, for me nagging, bribing, asking ,begging didnt work; I did a LOT of the work myself and was damn proud of myself for regrouting the bathroom I also hired someone to fix a leaking roof without telling oh. He didnt know it was being done until he came home from work and I told him to pay the man on the roof. Huge row commenced, but it was the last one we had about the leak!

Honestly - if this is the only major issue and he is otherwise a good dad and husband then leaving might be a bit drastic. If he doesnt work much could you get a job, extra money to do the house up?

Halfcups Wed 17-Oct-12 23:39:05

Is it just the lack of motivation to do things around the house ( so annoying) or does your disappointment run deeper???

shouldistayorgo Thu 18-Oct-12 13:08:08

MakeItALarge and Halfcups - Thank you both for your replies.

I do work, but unfortunately I can't do any more hours than what I do at the moment.

I get annoyed that nothing gets done and family and friends seem to be getting on and I am just rotting (probably a too stronger word!) in the house.

Also, as mentioned, I do think my disappointment does run deeper than what I have said. in my post earlier.

GetAllTheThings Thu 18-Oct-12 13:43:34

shouldistayorgo

There are a whole range of scenarios that lone parents find themselves in. And that runs from a lone parent who gets zero support from their XP / XH to those who's XP / XH plays an equal role in parenting and financing.

There may be many advantages in splitting up with your DH but they may or may not be tempered by how supportive ( or not ) he is likely to be post split.

Say for the sake of argument he is supportive, has the dc staying with him for substantial amounts of time and is financially supportive.... then you get the opportunity to fix the damp, deal with the garden, rebuild a social life and do the stuff that he might be holding you back from.

Or he alternatively may decide to mess you about with access leaving you with almost complete responsibility for the dc, offer nothing in the way of child maintenance ( easy to avoid if he's self employed ) and generally cause you grief for the next 20 years.

Or maybe you'd end up somewhere in between those scenarios.

Sadly what I'm saying is that the ease of your hypothetical life as a lone parent will be to a degree dependant on your DH's behaviour and attitude.

And from what you've said about his laziness you may have some problems from him.

But it can work, and does work for some. I'm not wishing to blow my own trumpet, but I ( as the NRP ) happily pay CM, pay for many extras, take time off if dd is ill, offer support to my XP if she's having problems, go shopping for her if she's ill, listen to her advice etc etc.

So for me and my XP it does work fairly well given we weren't happy together as partners.

If you are heading down the lone parent road it obviously pays to be well prepared, and you will get a lot of good advice and support on this board,

best of luck

elastamum Thu 18-Oct-12 13:52:59

Does your H know how you really feel? If he understood that you were at the end of your tether and thinking of leaving would he make the deffort to engage and change? If he did change how would you feel about your relationship? Have you had serious a discussion with you H about how you are feeling?

I am a happily divorced LP who lives apart from my new partner. I think I have the best of all worlds, but single parenting isnt an easy option.

belleshell Thu 18-Oct-12 14:20:04

i think you need to ask yoursel

1. are you in love with him
2. are u lonely in your marriage.

my marriage broke down when i lost faith in my ex, i loved him but wasnt in love, i didnt trust him, he lied about stupid things so how could i trust him on big thing......... but loss of faith was the final straw!!!!

he happy, we only live once........xx

cestlavielife Thu 18-Oct-12 14:54:30

well if you become lone parent you will ahve to organize the damp issue yourself...are you up o that? and why havent you done it anyway?
i think you will you know.

you could take charge now - leaving it to him does not work.
you say you have money to spare so call a handy man and get them to clear out the garden and get what needs done, done.

you could give h a deadline, tell him, ok i've found a handy man. they will come on xx day next month to clear the house and garden and sort the damp.

end of.

how he reacts will tell you if you want him to stay or go.

shouldistayorgo Fri 19-Oct-12 18:59:36

Thank you for all your advice, I am so grateful.

As advised I put this question on the Relationship section.

GATT thank you for taking the time to post a long message. If I do leave then I hope it works like it has for you.

EAM he knows I am fed up, but when I want to discuss it he goes quiet which annoys me and walks off if I go into one!

BS i am not in love with him. I really do trust him.

CLVL I want to leave and for him to stay in the house. He has the spare money.

I have to say he is a great dad to DC. He would rather go shopping and do other things (which i know is rare in a man!) than get down and do the work needed.

ninah Fri 19-Oct-12 19:06:31

If you were a lone parent you could decorate your house and clear your garden yourself (don't get what's stopping you now, actually?)
could you not be a bit more proactive about it and go ahead with the damp course etc, since you have money - why does it have to wait for him? single doesn't mean lonely. I long for time to myself!

ninah Fri 19-Oct-12 19:07:41

oh that's what c'estlavie said, innit blush
ring dampco or whatever, live a little!

colditz Fri 19-Oct-12 19:11:22

If you have spare money to pay someone to sort tithe house and garden, do it. Don't wait for your husband, and don't leave him to sort it out. This is not the nineteen fifties. You say he is good to you and good with other things - if the house and garden were sorted out would you still want to leave?

Katkin13 Fri 19-Oct-12 20:27:14

It's heartbreaking when you realise that you are on the edge of a marriage breakup. Have you tried counselling as a way to stay together for the sake of the children. I am sure he doesn't mean to do what he does. We all know the "Woman are from Venus. Men are from Mars" thing. He probably doesn't realise how much this affects you.

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