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anxiety following split

(10 Posts)
CalpurniaRocks Wed 17-Oct-12 10:05:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedBushedT Wed 17-Oct-12 14:49:54

Didn't want this to remain unanswered.
I'm recently on my own and although I was very anxious about being on my own & coping, I'm finding that the more I do, the easier it gets.
My ex liked to put me down and because of that I struggled for a while with panicking I couldn't do the most basic things. But I can.

Keep reminding yourself of everything you are achieving.
A friend told me to make a written note of each thing I did that made me feel good about myself. It could be anything, from buying car insurance to putting the empty milk bottles out. If it felt like an achievement that day.. I wrote it down.
The anxiety will ease.

cestlavielife Wed 17-Oct-12 15:15:22

plase go to gp and ask for referral for nhs counselling -you will should get six sessions which will really help. it is a kind o bereavement adn counselling talking thru can really really help -= and if you can do CBt type exercises too that will help.

or attend a separated workshop or group - it is sooo useful

like www.drw.org.uk

cestlavielife Wed 17-Oct-12 15:17:01

do a simple exercise now - draw picture of yourself and ds when you were with ex... (he might be in the picture too)

now draw one of you and DS now .

and where do you put ex?

what is the difference?

what is better?
why?

dont feel guilty about working you are providing for ds .

makeminearose Wed 17-Oct-12 17:40:36

I think every mother/mom/mum when they return to work has guilt feelings, i know i did and it hits hard when you split with the person who was supposed to be there to support you (not abuse and belittle) take one day at a time and i am sure you will b great and life from here will begin for you and your ds, good luck x

GetAllTheThings Wed 17-Oct-12 17:50:16

Im working full time and ds is in nursery which I feel incredibly guilty about, Im sure this adds to my feelings of worry and stress

Some day, when your ds is older, he'll realize just how much you did for him on your own. He'll very likely also grow up with a good work ethic because of it.

You're doing a fantastic job in not ideal circumstances.

< pins on medal >

daffydowndilly Wed 17-Oct-12 18:06:48

The anxiety is something I have too. My recommendation is get yourself an emotional support network of people you can talk to (friends, family, people with similar experiences through groups), and think about investing in a little counselling. This has really helped me. My X was financially abusive, emotionally abusive and had MANY issues. And I let myself get slowly into victim mod, which has been difficult to get away from. But now that I am on my own, it is scary that I could let my children down by not doing well enough, but the fact is two fold, staying with him would have let them down a lot more, and I will do fine bringing them up on my own (with help from my support network) I just need to work on my own self esteem.

crackcrackcrak Wed 17-Oct-12 22:27:30

You sound like I felt earlier this year post split. The coping mechanism I developed was to just bloody well get things under control - budget, housework, routine, work - everything. Looking back now it's changed me as a person quite a bit down to now being organised enough to do pack lunches the night before to knowing exactly what I can afford and what I can't. It's been a journey! It's funny though, in the past I thought I was giving myself a break by leaving the washing up or whatever and slobbing, now I find keeping the house nice really empowering. I didn't makeuch effort when I was married there was no point because exp just criticised everything - twat. As if he was that bird from how clean is your house!

Tell you what you could do to balance feeling guilty about ds being at nursery all the time - ask for a parent consultation and learn as much as you can about what he does each day and what the nursery are trying to teach him etc. I have just had one and I learned so much. Pre split I had no room in my brain to absorb anything they told me - I just dropped off dd and hoped for the best. Now I have time, capacity to digest it all I feel like I can get more involved. For example they told me dd was a bit shy then made suggestions how I could help them address it by getting her to bring things in to talk about or photos or whatever. I made her a photo collage the other night of her activities to show everyone - I was more excited than she was taking it in!
When I first separated life just felt like a huge slog but actually it got easier fairly quickly - I've been a line parent 7 months and its working out just fine - I just had to take charge grin

CalpurniaRocks Thu 18-Oct-12 09:36:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daffydowndilly Thu 18-Oct-12 09:58:41

I met a psychotherapist friend recently, and she told me that many therapists will have lower rates for people who really can't afford it, almost that they work on a sliding scale. It could be worth calling around and asking, if your other idea doesn't pan out. I ended up with a years' worth of weekly counselling and to be honest if I hadn't moved away, that would have probably continued. It takes so long to change ingrained, taught emotional reactions. It really was worth it though. I guess the therapist did mostly just listen, some guidance, some direction, but it was mostly about me learning to work it out on my own (so I have the tools to do it now). I loved every minute of it, having someone listen and not tell me I was wrong. It was so empowering.

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