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Has anyone stopped contact because of low level shitness?

(16 Posts)
colditz Mon 15-Oct-12 22:57:00

I am at the end of my tether with a massive culmination of tiny things

Since ex had a baby, last year, he won't take children if they are ill. Has no qualms about taking them if baby is ill, as clearly by the time they get symptoms they will be back with me

Sometimes does not give maintenance for three weeks at a time

Doesn't take notice of them went they are there, ds two doesn't want to go

Sometimes doesn't bother putting them to bed, makes them out selves to bed aged six and nine

Has made no effort to learn about ds ones sn

Doesn't 'get' ds two at all, barely seems to know him.

Makes them play upstairs so baby cannot touch their toys

Picks up mid afternoon, drops off mid morning next day when he bothers.

Rarely has them at weekend, always school days.

Had them for five overnights during summer holidays, all separate.

Has to be told to feed them balanced meals

Has to be told to supervise basic self care

Has to be told not to send them to school dirty

Argues with gf in front of them, which they find upsetting

Never arranges contact, it is always left to me to ring him, find out his hours and arrange contact around those.

Lies when challenged, informing me that loads of people in playground have told him I am always late for school. I am never late for school.

The only discipline method he uses is raised voices and moaning. There are no consequences, just moaning.

What would you do?

joanofarchitrave Mon 15-Oct-12 23:01:00

God.

I think I'd write to his mum tbh.

'Has to be told to feed them balanced meals
Has to be told to supervise basic self care
Has to be told not to send them to school dirty'

Has he responded to any of those?

crackcrackcrak Mon 15-Oct-12 23:27:58

What a prat.
In all seriousness you are listing neglectful parenting.
Do your dc enjoy contact?
If you have any doubt that they enjoy it I would pull it back and suggest either a routine a schedule or no contact until he can conform to it.

MakeItALarge Tue 16-Oct-12 00:46:50

I wouldnt stop contact, but you can demand he see's them on regular days at regular times. If money is an issue go to the CSA, even if its less it at least stops the arguments between you.

As for the neglect there is not much you can do, you cant force him to be a good dad, maybe shorten the length of time they spend with him?

FannyBazaar Tue 16-Oct-12 08:12:41

My ex is also neglectful. He can not arrange contact in advance so it is usually when DS calls and asks when he's going to see him, that something is arranged or if this hasn't happened for a couple of weeks then sometimes a text from ex to say he misses him and really wants to see him.

He was not providing DS with his own bed to sleep in (he was also sleeping in his clothes, often returned in same clothes, teeth not brushed, face not washed). I have said no to overnight contact unless a bed is provided, there has been no overnight contact for a year now.

Balanced nutritional meals are also a problem. I am reluctant to allow contact over a meal time unless I know someone else is around do that DS gets an appropriate meal.

My ex seems to continually reduce the time he is available anyway, so it is just about waiting for his request for contact,

sheepsgomeeping Tue 16-Oct-12 13:53:29

I wouldn't stop contact but I would stop contacting him to see when he sees his dc next. If he wants to see them that badly then let him be the one to make the effort. If and when he does and he doesn't really sound that arsed does he, then you can lay down boundaries and rules

He sounds like a right twat. What was he like before his gf had the baby. Maybe it's her being a bit precious about her child although if that's the case then he needs to grow up and realise that his kids are all equal.

He sounds like my own twatty ex. Waste of bloody spaces angry

FourFish Tue 16-Oct-12 22:30:07

I would also just stop ringing - politely say to him that you know he is old enough to manage his own time, to please ring you with 2 weeks notice on when he wants his children and you will try and facilitate. If he rings, let them go. If not, then not.

My ex thinks chocolate is a meal.

deleted203 Tue 16-Oct-12 22:37:24

I would stop contacting him to arrange anything, as the other posters say. Agree with FourFish that politely saying, 'Perhaps you could ring me when you would like to arrange to see the children next' is a good idea. And I think I would also have a word with your kids, TBH. I would say, 'Dad would like you to go to his house on Wed. Would you like to?' or something casual along those lines, rather than telling them they are going to his house. If ds2 doesn't want to go (or ds1 for that matter) I don't honestly see why they should be forced to. I'd be really unhappy about making a 6 year old go somewhere he didn't want to go and where he felt unwanted/unloved and was missing me. I would let the children decide. And I would quite happily say to my ex, 'I'm sorry but DS2 doesn't want to come on Wed. Perhaps next time'.

Meglet Tue 16-Oct-12 22:44:45

I would stop contacting him for a bit and see if he bucks his ideas up. If he messes you around then march him off to mediation. I know I sound like a mardy cow but I'm a bit zero tolerance on this sort of thing, he either does it properly or stops messing his kids around and keeps away. Being a parent doesn't give him a right to see his DC's and treat them badly sad.

If your DS is starting to not want to go and your X isn't making any effort then I'd cross my fingers it tails off.

colditz Wed 17-Oct-12 00:39:54

I haven't sent the children against their will for about six months now. If They don't want to go they are welcome to stay with me. I'm just angry about him not bothering to make an effort to get them to WANT to go.

TheDogsRolex Wed 17-Oct-12 03:37:33

I wouldn't stop contact over that. Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying what he does is fine and sending them to school dirty is just not on, there's no excuse for that.

He sounds like an arse, as is my son's dad. But I pick my battles. He's strict and shouty, can't seem to speak nicely to anyone. He pays me next to nothing and only because I went to csa and he realised he was better off if I cancelled it so he could pay less. (Works for me, he paid sweet fa before).

He has no clue about ds sen, and couldn't care less about his education. He wont take him if he has a cold. He picks him up and drops him off when it suits him. I've had to cancel so many appointments/outings because he is always <always> fucking late...so then I get dd crying her eyes up because we cant go somewhere I promised because i'm waiting in for ds.

But he could be worse, he could be her dad. That bloke is seriously a nasty piece of work and she hasn't seen him for years.

It's kinda like banging your head against a brick wall at times isn't it?

Halfcups Wed 17-Oct-12 12:54:37

Hi there. Sounds difficult. I got lots of good advice from Relate about being clear on what is acceptable and setting clear boundaries that protect you and your children s well being. I would not allow my ex to have our children overnight until he had shown that he was set up and able to meet their needs. It took a while, despite me being desperate for a break, to get it organised but eventually he took it seriously and things are greatly improved. However if it slips I have no hesitation in reducing contact to a couple of hours a week. If I could suggest that you sit and plan what you and your children need and then present it to him only when you are clear. I used to just wish my ex was different but I soon had to 'wise up' and work with what I actually had. Hold your nerve.

colditz Wed 17-Oct-12 13:01:18

Currently, he is on a promise not to argue with his girlfriend, and to devote the three of four waking hours he has them per week to them. From what the children said last time they both went, this happened. I've told him if he ever allows either of my children to leave the house unwashed again, he will have to bring them back here at 6 pm instead of overnights, and as he lives two miles away and there are no evening buses, he's not keen on that idea.

He's picking them up tonight, and they were both keen for that, but trust me, the option to stay here is there for them.

Halfcups Thu 18-Oct-12 00:28:56

My counsellor used to remind me to "firm up my boundaries(!)" whenever ex started to slip back into bad habits. Be clear, be consistent and don t take any shit! X

RedHelenB Thu 18-Oct-12 07:27:57

Two weeks notice!!?? They are his kids too & it really is not the end of the world if they put themselves to bed or eat junk food every now & then. I think you are beinbg bit harsh & trying to control. As others have said, step back & let him contact you to arrange access. Really, an unwashed face is nit a big deal!!!

colditz Thu 18-Oct-12 09:10:45

Yes it is! When it's last nights dinner!

Ds1 doesn't put himself to bed, that's the issue. As I mentioned earlier he's got sn which stbex refuses to educate himself on.he NEEDS help and support for the most basic things. If he's not put into bed he won't use his inhalers, or brush his teeth, or wash, because all these t gs happen at bedtime.

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