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I just hate this so much. (long)

(13 Posts)
iHaveNoIkea Sun 14-Oct-12 10:25:51

I've been single since pregnancy but the father has been involved.

Up until now (DD is 6 months) everything has been 'okay'. He clearly has never respected me despite the fact that I bent over backwards to involve him and his family in my daughters life. They stayed at the hospital all day when I gave birth ffs and I hardly knew them, I hardly saw DD for the first 8 hours of her life!

But he was seeing her every saturday atleast. Has always talked to me rudely or ignored me when I've contacted him regarding DD but I thought hey it's not about me anyway and I wanted to keep things good. He now has a GF and another baby on the way (she is six months preg...DD is 6 months old)

From when DD was 6 wks old we arranged that he'd pay me 30 pounds a week into my bank account for child support. No issues there until a couple of months ago when he changed the amount and changed it to monthly, didn't bother to tell me so I had to ask when I'd get the money (I hate to do this) and he was rude and told me I'd just have to wait. If he'd told me in advance I could have budgeted knowing that money wouldn't be there. I told him this.

Then this month I get nothing. I got to him to ask why he says he can't pay me this month. I ask why he says 'I just can't' and that the money I get from the government will cover it. I try to explain that's not really the point and he is rude to me. I try to discuss it with him the next day and he ignores me, so I told him I will contact the CSA and arrange something through them so we don't need to have any future disagreements.

He then went crazy saying I'm trying to spite him and bankrupt him, he has debts, this will make things worse between us, he's been very generous and given when he could despite his debts (which I never knew about). He then apparently added up all the child support he's paid me and said 'look I've paid this much so far plus the money I gave you for the pram' we went halves on the pram and shared it.

Then came the final blow. He told me he's coming over to take swabs from me and DD for a DNA test. I couldn't believe he would take it this low over having to pay for DD. He's threatened me saying he's coming to take her anyway. I have told him if he wants a DNA test he can do it through the courts and til then DD will stay with me. How can I hand my baby over to him when he's acting like this? And if he doubts she's his he doesn't need to see her does he?

Am I doing the right thing? And he's a prick right?

mama2moo Sun 14-Oct-12 19:40:35

Yep, he sounds like a prick! You are doing the right thing, go to the CAB and get some advice. If it does go to court you should get legal aid to help you out.

This happened to a friend of mine recently. Her ds's met someone else and the money situation changed.

I hope you can sort it out smile

crackcrackcrak Sun 14-Oct-12 20:28:03

I'd let him do the DNA test. Would speed things up maybe if you have to go through Csa. I totally see why you don't want him to havevhercwhen he's being so antagonistic but he is being v unreasonable re money and you need to get this sorted. He may be calling your bluff. He obviously panicked when you mentioned Csa and I'd wager he'd have to pay you more if you went through them. Do you know roughly what his income is?

allthefun Sun 14-Oct-12 21:30:15

If he wants to just "take swabs" to set his mind at rest let him. In order for it to stand up in court or for the CSA it has to be done properly through a recognised testing agency so there is no point other than for his peace of mind.

You hold the cards as the CSA will take money of him (in theory) unless he can prove he's not the father. He is bound to be angry as his back is against the wall really. Ask him for whatever amount is reasonable (bearing in mind his current situation) and tell him that if it goes more than 2 months you will involve the CSA. Contact is a separate issue really. Being the "gatekeeper" is no fun.

iHaveNoIkea Sun 14-Oct-12 21:33:10

He is aggressive and disrespectful to me which is why I don't to agree to him demanding to take swabs off of me and my daughter.

I called CSA already, I didn't know if he'd need to pay more or not but obviously he knows he will or he wouldn't kick off.

MakeItALarge Sun 14-Oct-12 22:38:52

Do not let him take swabs! That is not how any reputable company does DNA testing, does he actually understand hoe hard it is to prevent contamination? And if he's trying to dent being the father do you trust him to send his own DNA?

Well done for ringing the csa, if he requests a test through them it should only take 8-12 weeks in my experience.

With regards to contact its totally up to you but it you have any worries contact is usually supervised with babies so you do not have to let him take your baby

mrsfuzzy Sun 14-Oct-12 23:03:27

swabs shouldn't be taken by an individual, due the steriity reqired it is best to get them done through the csa, if he tries to make you that could border on potential assault, his excuses that he has debt is no good either .why should the tax payer pay for his child ? sorry, i don't what to be nasty but he's got to be made to see he can't walk away from responslblity, if he has that much debt why has he got someone pregnant?? men like this make me sick. you are doing the right thing with the csa, get advice from citizens advice about supervised contact if if you think he might be a problem with your daughter, good luck sweetie hope it sorts out soon, at least your'e well rid of this moron. be a great mum and stay strong for you and your little one.

colditz Mon 15-Oct-12 09:00:35

He owes you what the Csa says he owes you, and his debts are not your daughters problem.

He's being a complete prick. The sad thing is, you could probably 'pay' him to fuck off by dropping a claim to maintenance.

mrsfuzzy Mon 15-Oct-12 09:14:35

don't give up because it is easier to keep the peace, do the right thing for your little girl, don't let him bully you in anyway.

clam Mon 15-Oct-12 09:18:14

Maintenance for his child is not a favour to you. Neither is it optional, with him skipping weeks if he feels like it.
Going through the CSA should regulate things. Tell him that you're happy to have a DNA test done (to prove you right) but only if it is done through the proper channels.

iHaveNoIkea Mon 15-Oct-12 12:52:43

Thanks all so much for responses and support. I've been sick all week with the stress of this. Will def be in contact with citizens advice bureau I knew there were some kind of contact centres out there x

daffydowndilly Mon 15-Oct-12 14:48:13

Agreed that his debts are not your problem. I understand from CAB that when he gets paid, you are the first in line for your child maintenance and his debts come second priority. If he has problems coping because of this, he should have not gone and knocked up someone else!!! If you go through CSA, that takes control away from him, and you get peace of mind knowing when the money is coming in.

mrsfuzzy Mon 15-Oct-12 23:51:42

daffy is right, if you try to arrange between you it could go pear shaped best lrt the csa take the flack.

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