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Difficulties in finding someone new and feeling lonely.

(21 Posts)
EiePie Thu 11-Oct-12 08:06:21

Well, Tuesday's date (from - first in 6 months) was really nice. I liked him and he liked me....but.....his children were grown up and mine are still at school and he, understandably, wants to be able to be 'spontaneous', disappear to Paris, out for a meal, trekking in the Himalayas etc at the drop of a hat. Deep, deep sigh.

Men my age usually have grown up children and men younger often (I've found) want someone to have children with. It seems a no-win-situation.

I'm 50 with three young children (6,8 and 11) who I love dearly but there has to more to life, doesn't there? I get every other weekend and every Tuesday evening 'off' when they go to their Dad's.

Anyone else out there struggling with being lonely? Everywhere I look, all my friends (even the three 'single sisters' I started out with 2 years ago) are loved up. These friends are fatter, thinner, older, younger, shorter and taller than me - so what's wrong with me?! Weekends without the children are worst, I end up not even speaking to anyone for the whole two days. Money is a bit tight so venturing out isn't really an option. I end up feeling really sorry for myself and drinking too much!

I'm slim-ish, bright-ish and good company but I'm starting to feel invisible, not good enough and I've lost my confidence. sad

Anyone else feeling the same?


cheekydevil Thu 11-Oct-12 11:24:10

How about some volunteering?
You would meet new people and would fill your time doing something that would build your self confidence.
I will say this to you as it has an uncanny way of getting results "you never know what is around the corner". You just need to do something to make it happen.
Good luck.

Jules666 Thu 11-Oct-12 13:56:47

Hi Eiepie,

I'm in the same boat and finding it lonely. I'm 48 with 8 & 10 year olds and having the same problem. I joined Plenty of Fish and the one person who messaged me stopped replying when I mentioned my children. His were grown up.

I'm going to stop with online dating and concentrate on getting a life for myself. I'm going to start going swimming and look into volunteering and hope I make friends that way.

Could you do something similar?

feelingsik Thu 11-Oct-12 18:47:35

8 years single
looks like a life sentence to me

purpleroses Thu 11-Oct-12 19:07:33

Took me 6 years, but last 2 years have been with lovely DP met through internet dating site, so keep trying!

I'm not sure you're right about men your age - plenty of men have kids in their 40s, so there must be others around with similar aged kids to your own, and some with older ones won't mind being with someone with younger kids.

Did you say how old yours are on your profile? Might be worth saying, or suggesting roughly what ages they are as you could find men assume they're older, so you waste time on the wrong men (like this one, so it sounds)

Also worth using the time when you don't have your kids to get out and meet people in real life.

mopsera Thu 11-Oct-12 20:58:52

oh yes i am in this right now! am 43 with a 2.8 yr old, ie a toddler. so totally what i find; men start on p.o.f. site when they are a) looking to have kids or b) kids have nearly all left home. i was very upfront on my details; single mom, toddler, not much energy or time, isolated etc the men who seem intersted are either desperate or too young! im considering joining match as a few ppl have written over last few months. i dont know what the answer is! im lonely too and need to move on from ex

peppapigpants Thu 11-Oct-12 23:59:13

When I was 42, I met my now DP who was 46. My DC were 10 and 12, his DD was not quite 2! We are the other way around, in a way.

You definitely have to kiss reject a lot of frogs, though.

MissPricklePants Fri 12-Oct-12 00:01:48

I'm 26 with a 3.4 year old and have been single just over 3 years and have not met one man. I don't date, don't have time as apart from when I'm at work dd is always with me. It seems that most men do not want to be with me as I have dd therefore they are not worth my time. I am quite happy single and to be honest cannot see myself with a partner for a very long time. Maybe a new activity for when your dc are at your ex's would help you meet new people??

EiePie Fri 12-Oct-12 07:01:17

Thanks for all your answers. I have looked into volunteering but as yet can't find anything that will fit with my time 'off' - still looking though. TBH feeling so down that I'm finding it difficult to motivate myself, getting out of bed is a bit of a feat at the moment sad - I know I need to pull my socks up but that's not always as easy as it sounds. And yes, purpleroses I put that the children are all still at full time school on my profile. Do you go swimming by yourself? I have done that a few times but the costs of the travelling, parking and entrance fees make me think twice. Meeting people in 'real life'? On my own and without much money isn't that easy sad . Feelingsik Fancy sulking (virtually) together?! Hey Mopsera, I was hoping to find someone in similar circumstances to myself so we could moan together! And I totally know what you mean about the 'too young' bit! . I've been contacted by 23 year olds! No ta, I've got enough children already!! Not sure is any better and, in fact, there are far less people on there as they have to pay. Yes, peppapigpants a LOT of frogs! MissPricklePants I was a single parent the first time around at your age then met my ex-p and had 14 years (most good) and three children - you have time on your side, don't give up.

ParsleyTheLioness Sat 13-Oct-12 22:48:53

Eie I am 51 and have just joined MatchAffinity. I think I need to grow a thicker skin. Two men have dissapeared after they have seen my photo! It isn't even a horrible passport type one, its a proffessionally taken one for a work thing, actually quite flattering. So if they saw me in the street, would they run off screaming? It's difficult...

Prforone Sat 13-Oct-12 23:13:30

EiePie, I'm in exactly the same boat as you, so can sympathise!

My DD goes to her dad's every other weekend and every Weds night and I usually find myself just sitting indoors, wishing I was using my "me" time to be more sociable. But like you say, blokes either seem to have done the "kids" bit OR they're looking for someone to have kids with. Which leaves the likes of me floating in the ether!!!

You're not alone in feeling this way, hun!

EiePie Sun 14-Oct-12 08:28:45

Parsley You definitely need a thick skin to participate in OD! As well as a good sense of humour and a pretty honed idiot/perv filter! One guy I know met a bright, successful, pretty woman but.....she was a size 14. She told him she was on a diet. He said that she should re-contact him when she got to a size 10!!! Lots of shallow men on there - but there are some nice ones, I just haven't met the 'right' one yet - and I'm not sure I have the energy to keep looking.

Prforone Thanks! It's nice to know I'm not alone! I don't know about you but I really don't want to bother my 'coupled up' friends when I'm on my own - and you certainly don't get as many invites as a single! There's another thread on here called Sofas and Slankets which is all about lone parents dating. It's good fun and supportive. Good luck!

bochead Sun 14-Oct-12 09:41:37

Just dipping my toe in online dating, mostly cos after 8 years alone I'd actually really like a shot at having another sprog before the sandtimer runs out at 41.

Oh dear! POF is not going too well. The number of messages from men fleeing family life and embracing their right to climb everest now their kids have left home is amusing. I now have written on my profile that I'd make a terrible cougar as I really don't want someone in their early 20's (same age as my stepson = eeew!).

I have a primary aged child with ASD - that right there is another turn off for many men.

I definately understand what you mean about trying to build a decent social life with no money too.

Athendof Sun 14-Oct-12 17:58:07

I put a profile in POF years ago saying I was only looking for friends (plain friends) to go for a coffee, the cinema or talk of books as Most of my friends were busy with their families at the time I could go out when ds was with his dad.

... I got 100+ messages on the first weekend, had coffee with seven lovely men and walked out of POF 5 weeks later with the person who was my partner for the following 3 years.

I'm not pretty, I'm slightly overweight, but I am good company and conduct myself with respect. Believe me, the same way there are a lot of single mums not knowing what to do with their free time, there are a lot of single dads feeling lonely in alternate weekends.

ParsleyTheLioness Sun 14-Oct-12 21:18:44

That's interesting Athen I sometimes am very loose endy when dd is with fwit, and a friend for coffee would be lovely. Never thought of that!

Athendof Sun 14-Oct-12 21:54:03

I have made some good friends out of that "coffee no strings" policy, some of them are like family now, and when we happen to have the children at the same time we often end up going swimming, bowling or for walks together. So we all have a good time, as friends.

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 15-Oct-12 08:28:35

That is really heartening, Athen all I generally hear about POF is there are lots of sleazeballs who send you willy pics! Thanks for sharing.

Athendof Mon 15-Oct-12 20:15:18

I have never had any problems with people sending me willy pictures or being downright rude which I understand it is quite exceptional for POF. I don't know if that is because I have been lucky or because I don't engage in innuendo or have "sexy" pictures of myself in my profile. And another thing... My response to two worded messages like how's yous and hiya sexy is the same... Just hit the delete button.

Athendof Mon 15-Oct-12 20:17:10

... If they are really worth meeting tgey better give some indication of it from the first message. :-)

Meglet Mon 15-Oct-12 20:25:31

oh, same here. 4 years in and I hardly even have a chance to talk to a man, let alone date one! There are a few much older, married men at work who I wouldn't touch with a barge pole anyway, and that's it!

I don't have many babysitters so there's no chance of going out in the evening.

I do keep my bikini line waxed though, I'm not turning into a cavewoman just yet grin.

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 15-Oct-12 20:26:08

All worth knowing!

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