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Help me work through this - I'm sure there is a down side I've not thought of

(19 Posts)
bananaistheanswer Wed 10-Oct-12 23:44:21

Bit of a long complicated back story which is actually too boring to go into. My dilema is this - 7yr old DD & I have been invited to spend xmas eve at my ex's house, to wake up xmas morning there, DD opens santa's gifts and then he heads off to his fiance's family and me & DD head home to have our dinner. I umm'd and ahh'd, then asked DD what she would like to do - she wants to stay at her dad's on xmas eve.

I'm sure it will go OK, we get on fine enough as long as I ignore much of his twattish behaviour and DD would like to do this. Previous years have varied from him staying at ours on xmas eve 1st year we split, to then me & DD being at my parents xmas eve, xmas day and DD going to ex's on xmas night or boxing day depending on his plans. I did suggest he could come here but he doesn't want to do that.

So, what have I let myself in for? What have I not thought of, or missed that will make me slap my forehead while I channel Homer Simpson...

LFCisTarkaDahl Wed 10-Oct-12 23:47:12

Will his fiancée be there or will he get tanked and try to drool on you after dd is in bed?

Shriek Wed 10-Oct-12 23:50:52

I can't see one - the downside for me would have been spending any of them jointly with either's family, but you have already managed that one ok? Or have i missed something?

Why does it feel different this year?

bananaistheanswer Wed 10-Oct-12 23:59:49

Fiance won't be there. I wouldn't mind if she was she might not feel the same about me but she'll be at home at her mum's where he'll head for his dinner later.

He won't drool on me - we just don't have any interest in each other at all in 'that way'. I might get a bit pissed off with the mess hark at me with my midden of a home as I just get irritated by what he misses when he cleans.

It's different this year as I'd usually be at my parents, and he wouldn't ask us to be at his if that was happening this year. Long story re my 'rents, but if it hadn't been for this invite, me & DD would have had a bit of a sad, lonely xmas, so this at least makes it a bit different I suppose.

He's not keen for me & DD to be baking cookies - that's part of our xmas tradition so he'll have to lump it, or we'll just make the cookies before we get there.

I've just got a nagging feeling I'm missing something or I'll end up regretting this later.

Shriek Thu 11-Oct-12 00:17:41

its good to do the pop in thing with 'baked cookies' gift, stop a while and go? that way you do both get out (not so sad & loneyl ;) dd will see her dad etc. and you'll have a ticket to get out if you wanted. do you have to stay over? (far away etc.)

you could bake int he morning and get there in time for lunch and a bit of after lunch relax and pressy time, and head off before too late/tea?

Bumply Thu 11-Oct-12 01:05:20

I did it one year - invited by ex and his wife.
We're amicable enough for it to be ok.
Just really really surreal. We just act like vague acquaintences rather than people that lived together for 20 years before splitting. I think he had a head transplant as part if his mid life crisis and is somebody different now.

getmorebananas Thu 11-Oct-12 10:36:31

I think you're doing a great thing. Both working for dd's happiness and putting her first.

Have you sorted out what you want him to cook for your breakfast though smile

< applauds >

bananaistheanswer Thu 11-Oct-12 10:53:22

getmore I hadn't thought of that grin will add that to the list of demands suggestions. I've got time off work from the 20th so can do the cookies bit before we get there if necessary.

I think it won't be too bad, but part of me suspects he's just asked so he can get a lift to his fiance's after we are done at his hmm. Will try and focus on this being a good thing as DD will enjoy. Just realised I won't be able to do snow prints on the floor as he has laminate, not carpets. We can still do the Xmas confetti tho.

<thinks positive>

purpleroses Thu 11-Oct-12 19:02:45

Personally, I wouldn't do it. Just find it feels odd being with my ex and the kids, like we're pretending to be some unit that doesn't exist any more. And I would worry with your plan that you'd be sad when leaving to spend the rest of the day with just you and DD whilst he goes off to his new life.

But if you've thought it through and you're happy with it, no reason why not. You're right your DD will probably enjoy it.

Could you invite some friends round to yours in the late afternoon or evening, to give you something fun to head back for?

(And I would tell him to make his own way round to his fiance's!)

avenueone Thu 11-Oct-12 20:43:10

I think it really mature behaviour ...have a great time.

getmorebananas Fri 12-Oct-12 09:18:24

Personally, I wouldn't do it. Just find it feels odd being with my ex and the kids, like we're pretending to be some unit that doesn't exist any more.

I think each case merits it's own plan of action. But me personally and my XP have worked fairly hard to get to a point where we get on and can be mutually supportive. It's good for dd too to see mum and dad getting on IMO.

I wouldn't necessarily tell him to make his own way to his fiancée's, I'd wait and see how god breakfast is first grin

Completely understand it's no feasible for some to spend time with XP's and dc though.

getmorebananas Fri 12-Oct-12 09:19:00

god - good ( obviously )

Shriek Fri 12-Oct-12 20:50:00

have to agree with many different views here (depending on the situation). If it can be done well for the benefit of dc then should be done I reckon, especially if it gives the rp/dc an 'out' of potentially 'sad & lonely' scenario. The lift thing, well, if you WANT to give a lift, then do, but see no need to do that.

On the other hand (OTOH?) any animosity harboured or bitterness, etc. is only going create tensions - doh, obviously! so then defo not worth doing, unless an hour or two or three can be endured of keeping it under wraps.

smile

bananaistheanswer Fri 12-Oct-12 23:09:57

I've just thought of another plus - I'm pretty skint this year so my gifts, along with ex's, will look a lot better together than the small bundle ill be giving DD alone. smile

Athendof Fri 12-Oct-12 23:21:11

I did it with my ex once. It was the best Christmas we ever had before or after the split. But then we were friendly to each other, had no attraction between us left whatsoever and he had not yet met madly dominant jealous woman he is now living with.

Shriek Fri 12-Oct-12 23:49:52

ATHENDOF you make a point that I keep noticing; how soon the ex ptnr/husband is hooked up with another woman.

.. and struck a chord for me too in how mad and seemingly 'jealous' ?!?!?! just crazy

Athendof Sat 13-Oct-12 11:08:12

Oh yes, frankly I wouldn't have taken my ex back no matter how friendly we were at the time. But within months of starting with mad woman he become convinced that I wanted him back and wanted to ruin their relationship... He started mistreating ds, became abusive to me and at some point he just came to say he wanted 80% of the assets and that the government would take care of us. Which turned out true, my son who was attending private school until the year mad woman appeared, was entitled to free school dinners on the next.

He doesn't see DS anymore, pays far less than the CSA specifies in child maintenance,, would have succeeded in leaving us homeless had it not be for my family and friends who put money together to help us stay put, but somehow... He perceives himself as the victim. (hmm)

Shriek Sat 13-Oct-12 19:57:40

mmmm.... indeed! the money doesn't belong to his child/ren any more to keep them the way he used to, it is now 'demanded' by the crazy new women for them and their children (even though they too have their own dad, who pays too!) and CSA make a deduction from the father's child maintenance simmply because he moves in with someone who alrady has kids that have a father that pays too. and yep, he's the victim!!!! The socially mobile, work flexible, financially secure, and meeting new partners male who cancels cos dc might stop him working overtime, or prevent an opportunity for a good night out/shag - drinking, actually whether dc with or no, despite promising never to when dc around. Well tbh his promises never meant anything anyway.

Athendof Sat 13-Oct-12 20:41:08

TBH, we both moved on quite quckly but I met very reasonable people and it never occurred to me to do anything that could create a distance between the children and their dads.

My first partner after the split took his protective role very seriously, when exh stopped paying he offered to pick up the bill. Second partner had many problems including an overbearing ex wife. We are no longer together but he continues to be a dad to my son, ds calls him "kind dad". And his real dad? The only contact they have is a string of letters exh sends twice a month telling DS how wonderful his stepson is.... hmm

Ok, i think we have hijacked the thread and i'm sorry for that, but going back to the original issue: If things are friendly enough between you go ahead with the christmas plans, if you need to give him a lift to keep the good will, do. Because at the end of the day the best that both of you can do for your child is to keep communicating with each other in order to present a united front to raise her up. She will know you are a team rising her up.

Thinking about this, my first partner after the split didn't like to spend any time with his ex but they both made the effort to meet for coffee and cake once a month with the children. It certainly has paid of, now that the differences have been almost forgotten they are again in friendly terms and are raising to wonderful children together, but happily separated smile

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