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torn between relief and guilt

(15 Posts)
oscarthegrouch Wed 10-Oct-12 20:56:48

long story short, my exp was responsible for ds this weekend and i received a phone call from his current dp saying they had argued and he had taken our ds away in the car when he was drunk. I located him at his friends where he refused to hand our child over even though he was incoherent and staggering with him in his care. I was forced to leave my ds there while i went to contact another of his family members to help me make him see sense and in the mean time received another call from his dp saying he was attempting to kick her front door down (dp had been left at his friends). When her dad arrived to confront him (arrived before the police) he beat her dad up and got arrested and locked up. I had to then go to the friends again to collect my ds, who was ok thankfully - the friend had no idea exp had been off the premises, let alone locked up.

He doesnt think hes done anything wrong, ds is fine and im blowing everything out of proportion. This is not the first time something along these lines has happened and i dont feel that my ds is safe with him. Is (now ex) dp has made a statement against him and informed the police that he drove with ds in the car under the influence.

I felt I had no choice but to inform ds's school (where I also work) because his behaviour has been deteriorating lately and i just dont know what hes being subjected to at his dads. The headteacher had no choice but involve childrens services and I feel relieved because I want ds to be cared for properly by his dad, but I also dont want him to not see him. Have I done the right thing? We already have a reasonable contact order in place but surely that only applies where i know my child is being responsibly cared for.

My head is all over the place, I just feel so worried

Worley Wed 10-Oct-12 21:09:25

of course you've done the right thing. you yourself know you have too! I understand it must have been a hard thing to do but for the safety of your ds it was the best thing.
has your ex dp always behaved like that?

HenriettaChicken Wed 10-Oct-12 21:10:22

You've done the right thing. Of course you have - DS has to be your priority. XP may try & make you feel guilty but you can't take a chance like that with your child. Think of the guilt you'd feel then..

Well done for acting so calmly.

oscarthegrouch Wed 10-Oct-12 21:16:53

I dont really get to find out much of what goes on when ds is there but he is in trouble with the police a lot. His parents are usually around, which offers me a bit security but they were on holiday at the weekend so he was solely responsible for ds

ivykaty44 Wed 10-Oct-12 21:19:44

If he says you have blown it up out of proportion - then say well everything will be fine then as children services will soon see that if that is the case, so it will not be an issue for you.

oscarthegrouch Wed 10-Oct-12 21:27:16

i just keep thinking what if they had crashed. Maybe this is going to be the shock he needs to sort himself out. He is going to court because of it on nov 11th so childrens services have proof he was locked up when caring for ds, and also he left threatening and violent messages on his exs voicemail. i forgot to mention that his ex also has a 6 year old ds who witnessed all of this and is very shaken up

Worley Wed 10-Oct-12 21:47:10

what is he being charge with ? attacking the other girlfriends dad? children's services would take all That in to account won't they? and if they didn't you will be able to use it in a new case against him.
it's sad that you have to rely on his parents being about to ensure he looks after his own son to an adequate standard.

oscarthegrouch Wed 10-Oct-12 21:54:34

hes being charged with forced entry, assault and domestic violence. although his gf informed them that he had taken ds in the car whilst drunk, no one can actually prove this as he wasnt caught in the act. i also had no choice to do this because the police have it in her statement that she had informed them so what kind of mother would i look like to them if I had kept quiet - that would make me as bad as him sad

oscarthegrouch Wed 10-Oct-12 22:37:10

thank u for the responses so far, feel slightly better, hopefully be able to sleep better tonight

Worley Thu 11-Oct-12 07:35:38

I hope you slept well Oscar. I think when it comes to our children we can't afford to mess around. and his behaviour is not something you would want your ds exposed to. do you think the legal action would bring him to his senses and make him realise what he's doing?

ToothbrushThief Thu 11-Oct-12 07:48:22

You have done the right thing!

I feel slightly concerned that you worry you haven't. He's brain washed you to accept unacceptable behaviour?

Your DS safety is number 1 priority. Would you drive with him whilst drunk?

My ex would have contact severed immediately following this until a full assessment had been performed into his ability to parent properly

birdofthenorth Thu 11-Oct-12 07:58:41

Of course you have done the right thing. Any parent who drunk drives with a child on board needs help. I can't bear to think what could have happened. Your ex was clearl young through relationship breakdown and hopefully will be fit to parent without external support/intervention one day but for now you are absolutely right to alert SS to the known and unknown threats to your DS.

Snorbs Thu 11-Oct-12 08:01:06

You have must definitely done the right thing. As a social worker suggested to me (I was in a similar situation to you), imagine it wasn't your DS's dad but a child minder. If you knew a child minder was drunk and putting his/her charges at risk, would you think twice about reporting him/her?

You have a duty of care towards your DS. You have very good reason to believe that you're son is at serious risk of coming to harm in his father's care. I think unsupervised contract should cease until social services have investigated.

oscarthegrouch Thu 11-Oct-12 08:18:37

i know ive done the right thing, i just need to hear it from other people for some reason cos im going to get a lot of abuse from his family i think, who will think i have screwed him over somehow. if im honest im scared of him, even though he has never physically hurt me he is very intimidating and aggressive. i would never live with myself if something happened to ds and i had just turned a blind eye, he is only 5 years old and far too young (as is ANY age) to see any of this going on

zzzexhaustedzzz Thu 11-Oct-12 10:25:30

I have been through a similar situation. When you realise that your child/ren have been put in serious danger you cannot choose to let it carry on can you? And I too thought that they should ALWAYS have contact with their father no matter what. But then examples came to light where he had put them at serious risk. From that point, I only care about the childrens welfare. I guess before I was still under his influence as I had cared about him as a partner and really wanted to think the best of him ie. that he would look after our children properly. It was a total change in the way I saw things. Now I see my ex for what he is: a useless, pathetic person who is too selfish to put those he claims to love above his own self-destructive behaviour.
You can't predict what someone who abuses drink etc will do and maybe you need to ask yourself whether his needs supervision eg maybe his parents are able to ensure your son is safe (as You can't trust him).
See a solicitor for a free 1/2 hour?
A friends ex-partner drove himself into a wall when drunk after leaving his toddlers home alone.

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