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Can I ask him for more money?

(19 Posts)
Wickerman Mon 08-Oct-12 16:46:46

I should maybe post this in the SN thread - my older DD has a chronic health condition which is a lot worse than when I split from xh 2.5 years ago, and has necessitated me taking a lot of time off work, which has had a massive impact on both my income and my ability to generate income, as I'm self employed. The irony of this is not lost on xh as the reason I left him was that he was a massive workaholic who would not let me get childcare with his income so that I could build my career.

In order to go back to work properly, and thus make up the shortfall in my earnings, I'm going to have to get some really expensive childcare so that my dd is safe and properly looked after on the days when I need to work late.

My feeling is is that this is also his responsibility, and that he should stump up the difference between the old childcare and the new.

Does anyone know if I have any legal or moral high ground I can use to make him stump up the extra cash?
All I want is to be able to work to provide for myself and my family and my future, and make use of my education and talents. It doesn't seem like a ridiculous ask, but it is going to be pretty much impossible if I can't pay for this high quality childcare.

What do people think?

mustbetimetochange Mon 08-Oct-12 16:48:36

You can ask - chances are he is going to say no.

NatashaBee Mon 08-Oct-12 17:01:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whitecherry Mon 08-Oct-12 17:05:53

What is this 'really expensive childcare'?

What's he paying now?

Whitecherry Mon 08-Oct-12 17:06:28

Do you claim DLA for your child?

Wickerman Mon 08-Oct-12 17:07:04

Natasha Bee, no, because I need to have childcare at home, rather than a tax-credit registered childminder, so I've never claimed tax credits for childcare. I actually end up using my whole tax credits entirely for childcare, but that's another story.

I don't think I have a legal case, but maybe a moral one. He pays the set amount.

I think I am angry with him because he is a dick swans about living a glamorous life, whereas mine is severely attenuated by the girls' condition, and my inability to work will have massive impact on my income in later life, plus my ability to help the girls. It's kind of a "NOT FAIR" situation.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 08-Oct-12 17:07:41

He may, as an alternative, offer to care for your DD himself while you work - or secure alternative childcare that he is happy with.

If you want him to contribute to the cost, then morally, he could ask for a say in the selection/choice of care that he is paying for.

Wickerman Mon 08-Oct-12 17:09:02

Whitecherry - no I can't claim DLA because her condition fluctuates so much that I would end up having to refile every 3 months or so. Sometimes she's fine, sometimes she's completely disabled (it's a mental health thing.) Also, from advice I've got from the Tax Credit people, it would ruin my Tax Credits. So I think I have all the help I can get from the state.

Wickerman Mon 08-Oct-12 17:10:45

Ah, Notadisneymum - he would never do that as he is a workaholic with a glittering glamorous career which is why I left him. So my alternatives are either to find a way of making it work completely independently of him - which I would honestly perfer, if I could afford it - or to ask for his help in stumping up.

AmberLeaf Mon 08-Oct-12 17:14:50

You need to seek advice about DLA.

It certainly wouldnt ruin your tax credits, who told you that?

Wickerman Mon 08-Oct-12 17:15:35

The tax credits woman. And the DLA woman.

Whitecherry Mon 08-Oct-12 17:18:00

So what childcare have you found for her?

peanutbear Mon 08-Oct-12 17:19:46

I get more money from tax credits because I claim DLA on behalf of my son. I know that piece of advise was wrong re childcare in my experience morally you are in the right. However legally I don't think you have much hope sad

AmberLeaf Mon 08-Oct-12 17:20:06

Who is the DLA woman?

If you get DLA for your child you get more tax credits [child tax credits] and DLA is not deductable.

AmberLeaf Mon 08-Oct-12 17:20:55

Seek independant advice re DLA ie welfare benefits advisor, look them up in your local area.

2blessed2bstressed Mon 08-Oct-12 17:22:03

Have you looked into self directed support? If you are entitled to it, then it allows you to employ somebody in a "respite" type role, who could care for your dd in your own home. I'm not sure than you can't apply for DLA though, you need to describe the condition as how she is on her worst day, then they may or may not award it, but just because she isn't like that every moment of every day, doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Also, if she is awarded DLA, then you can apply for Carers Allowance.

confusedpixie Mon 08-Oct-12 17:26:02

OP, I can't comment on your situation entirely, but if you need childcare in your home, you CAN pay a nanny through vouchers, not just childminders, they need to be Ofsted registered but it can be done (my employers pay me this way). Just so you know smile

Wickerman Mon 08-Oct-12 17:52:55

Ah, this is all really interesting stuff and goes against everything I've been told so far. Thanks all for the input. I will look into these things.

purpleroses Mon 08-Oct-12 20:35:32

Legally - no you can't ask for any more than CSA amount because of SN.
Morally - maybe, but you'd be appealing to his good will, so depends how much disposable income he feels he has, and how he feels about spending it on childcare. If you point out how your DD would benefit from the childcare you have in mind, or get him involved in helping choose it you might be able to pursuade him.

As others have said, I think you've been misinformed about DLA and tax credits, you can have both - though I think they've recently tightened the rules on DLA. It is also possible to claim the 70% of childcare costs from tax credits for childcare provided in the home (eg a nanny) if they are ofsted registered I think. A specialist nanny who cares for SN children, might well be, so worth asking if she is, or could get registered.

How old is your DD? Is she school age? If not, childcare should get a whole lot easier when she does start school.

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