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If your exh lives in bedsit so can't have kids overnight

(12 Posts)
appleton Sat 06-Oct-12 08:18:33

Does he attempt to make up for this by giving you a decent break at weekends?

My exH moved out last weekend, we have 2 DC (4 and almost 2).

The younger DC has never slept through, and is usually up around 4 times in the night (was about 8 times last night). I work 4.5 days a week in a full-on job. So, I am absolutely shattered doing all night wakings, childminder and nursery run (oldest has just started school), doing all cooking for them, and most bath/bedtimes (ex came round in the evening for last 2 nights).

Ex agreed a few days ago that he would take kids on Sat morning as he is playing football in the afternoon and may be working tomorrow (so is only time he will see them all weekend). When I asked him about it last night, this changed to "I'll see if I can make it" so I have no idea if he will or not. He has been off work most of the week, and has spent about 4 hours total with the kids. I have had a frantic week at work and am getting no break all weekend. Also, he works shifts so this is one of the few weekend days he has off in the next few weeks.

I know it's going to be different now we're not together, but their still his kids too - why does he get to pick and choose when it's convenient to see them, when I have no choice and have to just put up with his rubbish-ness.

He seems to be trying to punish me for us splitting up, as once when we argued I said I could manage without him - he has brought this up whenever I ask him to help with something, even when he was still living here (can you see why he's ex?!)

Sorry, I'm rambling - I just don't really know how I'm going to cope as I don't have any family nearby, few friends (only really 1 who I could ask to help occasionally). I hate thinking about my kids in terms of how much work they are, but it's hard to enjoy them when I am never going to get a break.

baabaapinksheep Sat 06-Oct-12 08:26:56

You need to get a proper contact arrangement sorted out, that way you will know where you stand and will get a regular break.

pinkyp Sat 06-Oct-12 08:29:42

Things will prob be a mess to begin with he only moved out last weekend

appleton Sat 06-Oct-12 08:38:52

He won't talk about a contact arrangement, and as he's doing shift work (and only just started job so on some kind of emergency cover rota, so only finds out a few days in advance what shifts he's on) he can't take them at the same time each week. But he obviously won't go out of his way to do anything other than just come and see them - he could have done nursery runs this week as he was off most of it, but he didn't even get in touch until Weds, after leaving on Sunday.

I know it's all still too new - I think once I've done a few weekends without a break it won't seem so big - I did plenty of them while we were together. I just feel sad that I'm dreading the weekends now.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Sat 06-Oct-12 17:33:44

you will get used to the new routine and work out ways to make life easier on yourself. you have suddenly been pitched into doing everything that you did between you by yourself. things may not be done to such a high standard, meals get quicker/easier, you find shortcuts to things.

give yourself a break when you can. try not to do too much extras. the resentment does get easier, honest, though it pops up every now and again

legohouse Sat 06-Oct-12 18:46:14

i'm nearly 2 years post split,divorced now etc...and my boys dad still can't have them overnight for varying reasons..the main one is that his partner is not allowed to have him or his boys at her house due to her divorce (something to do with her ex paying the mortgage?) i don't understand it but he does stay there,the kids are not allowed.

He has always told me when he can have the boys,never asks what i would like to happen,he fits them in around his work and social life.

Unfortunately we cannot make our kid's dad's have their kids...i too would like something formal and structured (and also to be able to have a break,travel to stay with my dd) but it's never going to happen,the truth is he doesn't want to be a proper dad to them,i have to get over the anger this makes me feel (still trying!)

Early days for you,it won't be easy but will bcome easier as time goes on,i wish you well x

Squeegle Sat 06-Oct-12 18:59:24

My ex is sharing a flat so can't have the kids either.
He usually comes over on s Saturday pm, and will on a Sunday also. It is very much less than ideal as I am always at his mercy as to whether he will come or not. Also of course this is my home and so unless I go out, which I try and do as much as poss, he and I are thrown together again.

I would like to arrange something more consistent, but he won't talk to me! In reality he is angry for me being here in what he sees should be his home, so doesn't work towards making my life easier!

In the end we will have to sell- I'm reluctant to do this now as its secondary school application time.

I am sorry you're having a hard time, I am sure it will get better- despite everything it's still a lot easier for me than when he was here.

itsnottheend Sat 06-Oct-12 20:22:53

ExP has never had the dc overnight in 5 years, initially that was because he was in a bedsit although he has a flat now. He has always had infrequent contact and I stopped expecting much help from him as soon as we split (well, earlier than that if I'm honest). I've managed pretty well though, you'll just learn to juggle better as time goes on, and drop the less important tasks. These days I'm happier that there's little contact, as frankly I enjoy the quality time I spend with the dc and would hate for it to be halved to allow him contact (which wouldn't really be quality time with him, just watching TV at his tiny flat) and splitting things like Christmas. And the dc wouldn't be able to do their weekly activities which they really so I think they're happier this way too.

appleton Sat 06-Oct-12 20:30:50

Thanks everyone - I am feeling a bit better about it all. Of course, no word from him today so I guess I'm being punished for getting shirty when he said he didn't know if he'd be coming this morning or not (I may have said don't bother blush ) I feel so sad for my kids that he's going to use them for point scoring, but given his immaturity throughout our marriage I shouldn't be surprised!

I will work on upping my support network here - am slowly getting to know other mums, but it's hard when I don't have anyone to take the kids of an evening so the only time I see people I am chasing after the kids!

appleton Sat 06-Oct-12 20:35:11

What really pisses me off is that most of our rows were about him taking more responsibility (when it wasn't about him chasing other women) and now he gets to walk away scot free while I do it all. Though I think I may come round to your way of thinking itsnottheend and see his lack of involvement as a positive.

legohouse Sat 06-Oct-12 20:55:59

itsnottheend i want to get to where you are : )

ParsleyTheLioness Sat 06-Oct-12 22:17:41

Apple I take it there is no family locally who could give you a break...maybe you could put something on MN local, establish a network, and you could maybe sit for each others kids? Unfortunatley you are nowhere near me.

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