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So disappointed for my daughter

(5 Posts)
Wetthemogwai Mon 01-Oct-12 10:49:19

Dd is 18 months, she sees her dad once a week on a Monday. Her dad has married and had another baby since we split up.

He is never on time despite warnings and 'punishment' (I hate that word as it sounds like I'm using her as a weapon but I can't think of another word!)

I got her up this morning despite her being poorly and really needing to sleep but hes missed his last 2 weeks with her due to him not organising or turning up patheticly late and me turning him away (I know, I know, but he needs to learn that his actions have consequences does he?) I warned him after his hissy fit last week that he needed to be here at 10 and if he was going to be late then he should next me and if he wasn't here by half past without a text then he needn't bother coming.

I know it sounds harsh but I've fought and fought for over 2 years for him to take a role in Dds life and it seemed to be going ok but our relationship is so on a knife edge that it takes the tiniest thing to tip it over again.
This time it was me telling him that dd has night terrors after seeing him, these are confirmed by the doctor and health visitor. I explained really calmly what the doctor had said and asked him if any of the examples he gave fit Dds typical day with him, he got all defensive and said she's well looked after with him etc etc to which I said of course she is, I'm not implying anything it's just that throwing a small toddler who's used to the quiet life in a room with a DVD and a rabble of feral boisterous 3/4 year olds is likely to be the cause of them so can he just for one week make the effort to have a quiet day without his step daughter and all her cousins and friends. It took a few weeks but he finally gave it a go and turns out I was right.

The utter moment of realisation though came yesterday when I was talking to my friend. Dd had to go to A&E with a meningitis scare (she's fine thank goodness, it's just a virus) and when we got to A&E I text him explaining everything and told him exactly how it was, it was plain clear that I was terrified and he text me simply saying 'keep me posted'. I thought...ok, bit rude but if he's worried then he might have forgotten the please and thought nothing more of it. Yesterday I was telling my friend about it and she asked why the hell he wasn't there?! Because if it was her son that was in that situation with another person then shed be straight there as soon as she could. When she said that, it occurred to me that most parents would do that unless there was a really good reason like having to look after siblings or some thing like that. It occurred to me that I'm so used to him being a useless shit that it never even crossed my mind that he'd come so at the time I wasn't upset or angry because I never considered it as an option. Isn't that sad?

I'm so so sad for dd that she's got a useless shit of a dad and I'm just exhausted with fighting for him to take an interest and fighting with him when he doesn't get his way.

The rules are quite simple and they've been the same from the start. He can have dd has much as he wants, all I want is a decent amount if notice before he arrives and for him to be on time. That's all I want.

I you've read it all, thankyou. I just needed to get it out and write it all down. I don't really like talking about it with my friends a)because it sounds like bitching and b) because dd is with me 9 times out of 10 so I don't want her hearing all this.

And breathe....

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers Mon 01-Oct-12 10:59:07

You are right to be this angry. I would be too. Stay strong.

Wetthemogwai Mon 01-Oct-12 11:09:06

Thanks zombie , when there's so much to think about and remember you get swept up in it don't you and sometimes lose sight of what's reasonable and what's not.
We're leaving soon and moving back to my mums so this has just reinforced my want to leave

DoubleYew Tue 02-Oct-12 18:21:20

I know exactly what you mean. All I can say is keep going in the knowledge you are right and when dd asks about it when she is older you can say you did xyz to help her have a reliable relationship with him.

Wetthemogwai Wed 03-Oct-12 12:09:09

I will always encourage them to have a relationship and I hope when she's old enough shell see my reasons for leaving and not think badly of me.
I've got a little action plan in my head for ways I can encourage it when she's old enough to understand eg having his phone number on the fridge so she can ring him anytime or maybe giving her an old mobile with his number in and making sure it has credit, having a sofa bed which is 'daddy's bed' etc she knows how to use Skype so if he gets it ill encourage her to do it as often as she wants.

Hopefully he'll see that everything will be on HER terms not ours as its her feelings I want to protect.

It's the same old story isn't it. As long as I always do what's best for her then I know I'm right. I just need to convince him of that

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