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It's just as well I'm pretty thick skinned...

(10 Posts)
bananaistheanswer Tue 25-Sep-12 23:33:43

<sigh>

DD has spent the w/e away with her dad. She doesn't see much of him, but when she does, she loves being with him. She likely won't see him again for weeks, as that's his usual 'pattern'. DD has now decided that her dad is her 'favourite' person in her family. Would invite him to a special day out if she found a golden ticket in a 'wonka bar' grin. He is her favourite parent. All things she told me earlier tonight. He is the true epitomy of a 'disney dad' in that he doesn't do 'parenting' so DD gets all the freedoms she doesn't get with me. I've got to make sure she brushes her teeth, washes her face, tidies her room, does her homework, eats her dinner etc. etc. etc.

It just sucks to know that despite everything I try to do for her, it won't ever measure up to what her dad does, because he can indulge her without dealing with the consequences of that overindulgence.

So, come commiserate with me over how bollocks it is to do have to do all the 'shit' work of being a parent, with none of the 'glory'. I don't even think I'll get my reward in heaven...<wallows some more>

Wetthemogwai Tue 25-Sep-12 23:38:15

I'm in the same boat and it sucks. Dd snt old enough to tell me that though sad I just keep telling myself that in a few years shell see his true colours and make a more informed decision!
Chin up, she loves you no matter what and when she's grown up shell be proud of you for coping as well as you are smile

Ladylou83 Tue 25-Sep-12 23:43:24

I hear you here! The few times stbxh bothers to have dd he shows her off as if he father of the year, yet doesn't bother to brush her hair or teeth, doesn't follow routine, lets her get nappy rash etc etc. it infuriates me that he comes across as a wonderful dad, yet he has no routine in seeing her, puts ow first constantly and uses dd as a batteling tool when it comes to the divorce and making sure he gets what he wants. I'm stupid enough to put up with it because I want dd to have a heathy relationship with her idiot dad sad

bananaistheanswer Tue 25-Sep-12 23:54:49

Apparently, it's all down to his DVD collection. You know, the DVDs that aren't actually appropriate for DD to watch. <sighs a bit more> Trying to find the bright side - DD is secure enough in her relationship with me, to tell me I'm not her favourite parent, knowing I'm not going to kick off, or sulk, or make her feel like shit for having that opinion. hmm

NotaDisneyMum Wed 26-Sep-12 00:26:11

My ex plays DisneyDad and DD is with him for 50% of the time!

He used to be her favourite; he never makes her do chores, takes her on once-in-a-lifetime holidays, buys her loads of high value stuff, arranges his life so she's not inconvenienced by day to day routine - at one point I thought I was going to become a weekend mum, as she heavily favoured him and he would have loved to be full time Dad (not sure her SM would have been as keen though!).
But now she's older, she's beginning to notice that the gifts are conditional and the Disney-lifestyle promotes a superficial relationship between them. She wants him to get to know her, rather than go all out to make her happy.

crackcrackcrak Wed 26-Sep-12 21:32:15

My ex told a friend that post split he felt he could never say no to dd ever again. That's guilt that is. I realised then that as the RP I have rarely felt guilty since the split and that this is a v positive thing. Exp will spoil dd but he will also let her down and therefore need to compensate. I may not get the glory but I know I will always be there for her, hell or high water.

Here is another perspective. I myself have divorced parents. I recall my mum sighing when I came home with another extravagant gift from my dad. It must have been hard on her as she left with the clothes she stood up in and no job. She caught to get me back and won and was incredibly brave. At the time I lived all the presents but as I got older they became irrelevant - my dad spent all that money but was still a lunatic who is v emotionally abusive and bitter. My relationship with my mum which was consistent and safe went from strength to strength and we have a v close bond. Thing with my dad wobbled and strained and eventually broke down irretrievably for years at a time and then indefinitely. He has never seen dd. he couldn't get over himself enough to put our relationship first even though he had made the same mistakes with my older sisters too.

I sincerely hope my exp doesn't end up estranged from dd because he behaves like a dick but I know he's running that risk sad

SageMist Thu 27-Sep-12 07:28:59

I've been there with my exH and again with my DH (who I still live with!). There isn't much you can do about your ex's behaviour but a lot you can do about your own.

The thing I found was that when my exH was doing his Disney dad thing I initially over compensated by not getting stuff for my DS because he had it all from his dad.

This made the problem worse for me, so I tried a different tack which worked for us. I stopped trying to compete in terms of 'things' and put more effort in disciplining consistently and just as important, playing consistently. I couldn't afford to buy the kind of things that exH did, but I could put effort into spending quality time together; picnics, days out, just listening to DS talk about his day.

It wasn't all plain sailing but DS is an adult now in his own home, his dad has calmed down, has other kids and is generally a better parent. More importantly, DS still sees his dad and me - which is the future I hoped for him all along.

EdMcDunnough Thu 27-Sep-12 07:35:31

Mine sees his father about once a month, but didn't see him at all for 6 years. He's great with him when they have their time - very positive, encouraging and so on, very nice for ds but the rest of the time he isn't in touch at all.

It made me upset that ds might prefer being with his dad, but now I've realised that his dad can only sustain this relentless positivity for 2 hours a month and if he had to be here all the time, he wouldn't cope with it.

I sort of resent the way it makes me look so boring and negative.

crackcrackcrak Thu 27-Sep-12 12:26:12

Safe mist - I totally agree about the quality time thing - I too gave calmed down about material stuff because actually dd seems to get so much more out of a craft session or story time or making up a game or whatever. Now exp has regular contact I feel like I have more time for dd because I can use contact time to do noting stuff.

Ed - Yy to the short periods of positivity - I recognise that. Exp makes much more effort with dd because his contact is limited. She was absolutely not getting the equivalent time with her dad one to one when we were together because exp was do obstructive about family time (another rant for another day) so despite reservations and exp whining constantly, dd is getting a better deal by far smile

mummystudent Sat 29-Sep-12 16:21:40

I just dropped off my DS to ExP for the first time in 7 months.. I felt terrible until I read this thread.
I'm going to keep this mantra in my head "You do this 24/7" all weekend.
Glad I read this.
x

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