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I feel I have made a booboo!

(16 Posts)
Happylander Mon 24-Sep-12 16:21:55

Sorry this is bit of a rant really. Apologise now for the grammer etc

It is my DS birthday in November and basically I wanted to be the better person and put what could be in the best interest of DS by sending a pre invite text to Ex Mother so that I could say to DS when he is older that I did try with Ex's side of family. Never for one minute did I think they say yes.

Bit of back story...Ex walked out for OW last year 3 weeks before DS 2nd birthday. Ex has been difficult since i.e. not sticking to contact, letting me down at the last minute. saying he has no money to see DS then booking weekends away, 5* holidays, buying a new car etc etc. Ex has also tried to take me to court to throw us out the family home he pays nothing towards and did not put any deposit into because he does not want that connection with me...his name is on the mortgage and I can not get a mortgage in my own name just yet. Ex has also reduced his payments for DS by going to the CSA and pays for nothing else at all.

Last thing he did was not turn up to have DS for the week and blamed me and told people I had stopped him and he even tried to tell my mother that but she had seen the text stating he was not bothering to turn up the following day. Obviously these things are annoying and as everything is still pretty new and I have had to change plans, cancel work shifts at last minute and I have had a go at him about how selfish he is and for not putting DS first ever. I then got a text from him saying he wants nothing to do with DS because of my abuse i.e. me telling him it is not acceptable to not bother turning up and I was really angry he was trying to throw us out of our home. Never in front of DS and all by text/email. He has not called or seen DS since beginning of July.

Ex family have had nothing to do with me and have never really called to speak to DS. I had to send a text to get them to call him on Christmas Day. They have backed Ex 100% even in regard to trying to throw us out of our home. I also sent Ex mum a text saying that although Ex does not want contact she is more than welcome to call DS but she then sent Ex the text I sent her but added on 'Happy sent this what would you like me to do I'll do what you prefer' So basically asking his permission GRR! She never called nor did any of his brothers, grandparents or sisters. I basically don't exist in their eyes any more nor does my DS it seems. They refused to come to DS birthday last year despite Ex coming and threw DS another party just for them.

Anyway so I sent this pre invite text expecting them to ignore it or say no. They didn't I can't believe it. My family dislike them due to their behaviour towards me and DS and because they looked down there noses at my family and rarely spoke to any of them or my friends despite my family trying to talk to them when we were together. Not only that but Ex's dad and his wife refused to take sides like my Ex asked them too so Ex no longer speaks to his dad. Ex's dad and his wife despise Ex's mum and 3rd husband due to her behaviour when Ex was growing up and all her affairs.

Plus I asked Ex if he could give some money towards the party and he sent me a text that said 'I have to deal with the pain of not seeing DS because of your abuse and you have only contacted me for money' He's causing himself pain as I have never stopped him seeing DS he doesn't bother bloody calling or seeing him and it was his choice to stop seeing him. I would like to point out that my friends don't think I have actually been that abusive as I have just told him he has been out of order.

It is going to be world war 3 isn't it???? I am crapping myself as I can't tell any one they are coming as no one would turn up!!!!

Aaaaarrghhhh!!

kinkyfuckery Mon 24-Sep-12 16:26:25

I don't get it. You complain that ex's family don't take much to do with your ds, but are complaining that they have accepted your invite to his birthday?

Happylander Mon 24-Sep-12 16:29:06

I am more ranting that it is going to be world war 3 and I never for one minute expected them to say yes.

MissKeithLemon Mon 24-Sep-12 16:33:40

So, basically you have invited your ExMIL over for a party that you don't want her to attend?

You invited her as you thought it would make you look like the bigger person in front of you ds when he is older?

confused

She has now accepted the invitation. Surely its in yor ds's best interests that she is part of his life... and you really are being the bigger person, rather than just making it look like you are hmm

Happylander Mon 24-Sep-12 16:44:08

Yes I know it is in his best interest but I never thought she would say yes as she has never bothered to come and see him since Ex left and has only seen him when Ex took him to her.

I can't stand the woman for a variety of reasons but she is DS Nanny. Actually for the first time ever she has asked to come down and see DS in a few weeks which of course I said yes to despite my feelings towards her and the rest of her family. They are rather selfish and vain she has even asked DS over and over again 'is nanny pretty? do you think nanny is pretty?' why you would want confirmation from a toddler is beyond me. They are racists, homophobic and sly. They call mixed race children niglets?!?!!?

If I let people know they are coming most people won't turn up. Life shouldn't be this tricky!

MakeItALarge Mon 24-Sep-12 16:48:03

Oh i feel your pain!! But you are doing the right thing for your ds!

Tell them the timeslightly wrong, get them to turn up jyst before the partyends and ply your more volatile family members with alcohol grin will they really turn up? I imagine it will be more arkward for them than you!

Shellywelly1973 Mon 24-Sep-12 16:50:14

You need to stop playing games...as you have found out,they tend to back fire!

kinkyfuckery Mon 24-Sep-12 16:51:26

It really isn't important why you dislike her/them. The fact is that you extended her an invitation, and are now having seconds thoughts because she accepted it!

Happylander Mon 24-Sep-12 16:52:35

I have already told them the time. It will be my family, friends and Ex's dad's family on one side and them on the other. Plus they always try and keep DS to themselves and stop him from running about with others.

I am going to get an ear bashing from everybody after the party.

Happylander Mon 24-Sep-12 16:56:04

I sent it without thinking it through properly and because I don't want my DS hating me when he is older for not inviting them. I honestly did not think they would come as they have had nothing to do with me.

Sorry I am not perfect

MakeItALarge Mon 24-Sep-12 19:15:10

Youve invited them cos its the morally right thing to do, you dont have to like it sounds like exactly the sort of thing id do

Could you now invite everyone youve ever met, advertise on twitter, facebook, invite all of mn and turn it into a street party? grin make it a big enough party they might never find you!

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour Mon 24-Sep-12 19:24:56

Why did you invite them?!

Still it's done now, and if they've decided to come it might be because they've decided to turn over a new leaf and make more effort with your ds, so it might all be fine anyway

It might even guilt ds' dad into trying to behave like a normal decent human being and try harder with your ds? Though although he sounds like an utter arse I do think it's a bit off for you to ask for money if he is paying regular child maintenance through the CSA, not that that excuses his awful behaviour in ignoring his son

I hope that the day goes well and is as stress free as possible smile

Happylander Mon 24-Sep-12 21:37:17

It was a moment of madness but I do know DS would like seeing them there if they aren't all murdering each other LOL.

CSA doesn't cover birthday parties and I am working extra shifts to pay for it and so I don't think it was unreasonable to ask him for a bit towards it as he is his father. This is a man with a disposable income of about £1200 a month! In fact even more now he wants no contact with DS. That is only slightly less than I earn a month.

It won't guilt trip him as he does not think he is doing anything wrong. Never has done and is also one of those people that never says sorry and once he has said something that's it he doesn't go back on his word. Also DS gets in the way of his life with OW as they can't go away or be out drinking all the time if he has him at the weekend. Maybe one day he will wake up to himself but I am not holding my breath.

RedHelenB Tue 25-Sep-12 07:28:05

Might go better than you think but the main thing is that your boy enjoys his party. FWIW, I was prepared to let ex MIL carry on with the things she did regularly with my children but she took ex's side openly so now only sees them when he visits her with them. Her choice but I think if my ds ever did anything like it I would say I love you but I respect the mother of your children & love my grandchildren so I won't cut off from them just to please you.

Bluebell99 Tue 25-Sep-12 07:47:28

Uninvite them. Your ds won't remember his third birthday anyway, and most childcare books reccomend not having huge parties for small children as they find them overwhelming. Better to have a small tea party with 3 friends. Maybe just say you have decided to have a small celebration instead?

Happylander Mon 01-Oct-12 22:54:15

My DS loves a party and certainly wouldn't find one overwhelming and never has. Plus it isn't exactly huge about 10 kiddies and the grandparents, aunts, uncles and godparents. That's a normal size party to me and can't say I have ever been to a kids party that has been a small tea party.

I told her that her ex and his wife were coming so she has declined and asked to see DS the weekend after so they can have their own celebration. I am thankful they aren't coming but only because it would have been strained between them and everyone else and them it is sad for DS that Ex's parents can't put their differences aside for one day though. Mind you it would have been strained for everyone as no one liked them as they never made an effort with my family or friends.

I asked her if she wanted to have DS overnight that weekend and she seemed pleased by that and actually said yes. So everyone is happy and their will be no bun fight!

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