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Suddenly realised what I'm missing

(19 Posts)
nomoreiloveyous Sun 23-Sep-12 11:10:26

DS's dad and I split when he was a year old - 5 years or so ago. We weren't right for each other and so I don't feel sad that I'm not with him but I've just started to realised what I'mmissing in terms of being with the father of my child.

I saw a family in the park today whilst having a run - a mum, dad and two kids - having a lovely time together and I started to cry. And I see my son's friends dad's getting involved at school and I feel so sad. I will never have a proper family, or witness my child's father really loving him. Never bemother and father of the groom at his wedding, christmas's are split, and birthdays too.

I know that there are hundreds of us in the same situation but for some reason it's just hit me.

I used to think it was pretty good that i had every other weekend to do my own thing, and the rest of the time I was left to parent the way I want without the annoyance of having to consider my partner's opinion like so many of my friends. But now I realise how stupid I was. They have so much more and I'm so envious of it. My oartner and I aren't having the best time of it at the moment and I'm just dreading Christmas with him and no DS.

I want a husband and our children and to be in the kitchen with an apron on and my family all around me sad

Tamoo Sun 23-Sep-12 11:20:04


Have to post as a single mum of a DS who often feels the same as you. I took mine to Disneyland when he was younger and it was the most depressing week ever, I was the only single parent amongst approx 6 kazillion happy nuclear families.

However. Look at it this way. You are primary carer to your son and you have the opportunity to have perhaps the closest family relationship it's ever possible to have.

Also, who says you'll never have the husband and kids situation? It might not be with your current partner, it might be two or five or ten years from now. But you could still have that, right?

As for Christmases etc: even if they are split, there is nothing to stop you having a separate Christmas for you and your DS. He'd be well chuffed to have 2x opening a stocking and 2x Xmas dinners, etc.

And your son's wedding is a long way off yet. You will be there, your son's father will be there, and you'll both be really proud and happy for him.

nomoreiloveyous Sun 23-Sep-12 11:22:42

Thanks for finding supportive things to say, when you feel the same way. I know in many ways you are right.

I may well be with the wrong partner. maybe I will have a family one day... I hope so. I feel so sad about my life at the moment.

UC Sun 23-Sep-12 11:36:50

I sometimes feel like this too, even though I have a lovely DP. That doesn't take away the regret I sometimes feel that my DCs aren't growing up with both their parents with them all the time. I feel regret that it didn't work out, that we couldn't make it work. But we couldn't. I feel this more strongly at some points in time than others - often when feeling a bit low anyway, or there are other things going on in my life, or if I'm honest, at certain points in the month! If you're having a tough time with your partner right now, the pull of the "nuclear family" is probably quite strong. Remind yourself that you and your ex weren't suited. If you were still together, you'd probably be posting about how you weren't suited and you were feeling unhappy. Remind yourself the grass isn't always greener.

As for Disney land, I bet many of those happy nuclear families weren't really. I sometimes go places with my brother and my kids - I expect people think we're a nuclear family!!

nomoreiloveyous Sun 23-Sep-12 13:42:19

True, true. And I know families who appear happy but who really aren't. I don't know any really happy families actually I don't think. God it's a depressing world we live in.

NicknameTaken Mon 24-Sep-12 11:16:48

I know what you mean - I do get a pang when I see happy families with several children, a dog, the works. But I couldn't have had that with DD's father, and if I hadn't got pregnant by him, I wouldn't have had my DD, and DD is the child I want. So sod the circumstances, I've got DD!

<waves triumphant flag>

dishwashingdoll Tue 25-Sep-12 10:10:18

I feel like this too. I feel really sad at imes that my boy has no siblings to run around with its so hard to be the eveything in the house: the painter, decorator, the DIYer, the car cleaner,the breadwinner, the cook, the smiley warm face. Mealtimes with just the two? I do my best to create a happy warm house but what I want is the love of a full family in my home. It is really tough somtimes....I do have a wonderful relationship with my son tho god bless him he's a sweetheart of a boy.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne Tue 25-Sep-12 10:21:30

Hi - not a lone parent (yet) but just to say, those families may not be all tehy seem... The dad may be dragged kicking and screaming to teh park on teh one time you happen to be there... You know your boy is in a loving calm supportive and happy envrioment where he can thrive - you don;t know the other circs.... There are familied where teh Dc confidence is more damaged by having a father ho takesno interest in their hobbies etc or has unreal expectations of them - you know your boy's qaulitiesare valued by his family

cestlavielife Tue 25-Sep-12 12:56:23

families come in all shapes - it has taken a while but i feel happy that my family unit is me and dc - ex is like a relative who pops in and out of their lives .
(in other cases the ex may be more involved and hopefully the child feels simply they have two homes equally)

there are "happy families" i know who have all kinds of issues; there are a few i know i really respect and look up to as role models and am happy for them. going to park with you and your son? fantastic one on one time.

you can decide to be (most of the time) happy with the way things are and look on positives - having a husband and an apron may not actually in the end make you happy. op has a partner but isnt happy. if you are relying on others / on having a husband / or on "something" to be happy then you going up the wrong path.... read some stuff about mindfulness / positive thinking etc .

cestlavielife Tue 25-Sep-12 14:07:39

also practice some simple CBT type exercises such as writing down what you DO have in your life - what is positive?
eg are you and your son healthy?
any disabiltiies or special needs to worry about?
family and friends who support you ?
hobbies or interests?

and then write all the negatives - and think of possible solutions to them
(some you can fix; some you cant)

and it is always sobering to go onto say the bereavement threads here and think about things which could be so awfully wrong and sad and appreciate what you do have.... and se how people do manage to carry on with their lives in meaningful away even after great loss - and yes your "loss" of ideal family is akin to a bereavement so go thru the stages of grief and come to acceptance...

(xcept that there is chance that in future you meet someone and have a second chance...)

dishwashingdoll Wed 26-Sep-12 06:30:57

That what it seems to be all about finding the positives and the lessons in your life so you can grow. 'Count your blessings and more will come to you' was the message on a card I picked earlier. wink

cestlavielife Wed 26-Sep-12 10:05:58

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” – Nora Ephron, 1941-2012

brownsaz Wed 26-Sep-12 20:16:49

Life is tough, treasure what you have and seek people to laugh and cry with through local networks (I don't necessarily mean romantic ones).
I sympathise enormously and it has been tough in our household too.
I don't what I would do without my friends.

As to the comparing with others thing. For every seemingly happy family there is often another side that we'll never know. (affairs, workaholics, shady business, unhappy kids etc) In a way - so what? we only get to live our own lives you know? My upbringing was supposedly 'happy' but I never had a decent conversation of any significance with my own father and I gather that is not uncommon.

Wishing you well.

daisybtw Wed 26-Sep-12 20:44:45

There are some really wonderful people around. I love Mumsnet! nomoreiloveyous Today you feel like shit, tomorrow you'll probably feel better! Sometimes I just want to be shacked up with a gorgeous hunk popping out his babies and giving my ds some shiny, white toothed siblings to play with! HOWEVER, most of the time, I feel pretty good about our situation. We're so tremendously close and when we're together I can focus on him and appreciate him while other families sometimes struggle with that (because they've got too many gorgeous children and their handsome, hunky husband wants to shag them all the time)! Don't get bitter like me! Tomorrow will be a lovely day!

belleshell Fri 28-Sep-12 18:17:07

UC are you me? i could have wrote that.... i thought i was the only one that felt like this, and OP i too want the husband and family life.. i loved been married just not to my ex....

decreeabsolute Sun 30-Sep-12 00:45:52

thanks cestlavielife “Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” – Nora Ephron, 1941-2012. Love that woman, sad she has departed from this world, she had a lot more to say I'm sure. Just read Heartburn which was great for me following ex-h's affair...

You really do have to work hard every day to count your blessings. Our domestic situation may not have been our choice or doing, but we're blessed with our kids aren't we?

TodaysAGoodDay Sun 30-Sep-12 01:14:45

I know how you feel. DS has just started in Yr 1 at the local rural school, less than 100 pupils. He's been there since Reception. I don't know another single or divorced parent of any child there, I feel so inadequate.

Having said that, I'm the one who gets to see him grow up, I'm the one who gets all the cuddles, and I'm the one who sees every milestone first. It's wonderful.

RedWallflower Sun 30-Sep-12 23:06:35

I feel the same! I have been struggling with my emotions, and having read this thread I realise its not my ex I miss, but the family life. And I agree about the bereavement analogy. Be good to reach acceptance one day!

laurenamium Wed 03-Oct-12 20:17:23

I feel the same too!

I get pangs of guilt that DD is unlikely to ever meet her father (his choice, I've tried!) and it makes me sad, DD is coming up 2 now and so is hitting the age where strangers kindly ask "will you be having another one now then". And I feel sad to have to say no sad

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