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How to deal with questions about absent father?

(4 Posts)
WhatAFlange Fri 21-Sep-12 08:28:29

Sorry if this turns out to be long.

My dc is 13. The father left me when he found out I was pregnant, came back when dc was born and left again just before dc's first Christmas. He didn't tell me he was leaving me - I spoke to him one lunchtime when he was at work, he said he would call me later, I never heard from him or saw him again.

He was abusive to me, hit me, held a knife to my throat and even bit me.

I have been with my current partner, who is wonderful and has been a great dad to my DC, for almost 11 years. He has never ever even raised his voice to me, let alone his hand.

Dc knows that he is not the biological father. Bio father has never had anything to do with dc - no visits, cards, letters, nothing. Zero contact and not ever paid a penny child support.

Just now, driving dc to school, dc asked if I planned to fall pregnant, if it was an "accident", if bio father was nice or horrible to me and if he ever hit me.

I don't know where this has come from. I was caught on the hop. I just said that my pregnancy was not planned, not an accident but a happy suprise. Made it clear that the minute I found out I was happy, excited etc - its the truth. I was.
I said that as we were on the way to school and almost there we could chat about it another time.

How do I handle it? How much do I say?

Bio dad went on to have 2 dc with another woman, left her and had 1 more dc with someone else. My dc does not know about this.

I'm worried that bio dad has contacted dc via facebook, or that dc has found bio dad on there - or that someone - maybe his other dc - have got in contact with my dc.

Sorry this was long and probably garbled - any advice appreciatede.

MakeItALarge Fri 21-Sep-12 12:16:11

Oh god this bio dad sounds awful! And ive no experience of this but could you tell him about his brothers and sisters? I wouldnt say much about his dads awful behavoiur, i think that might just make your son feel bad.

Sorry ive no advice but bunping for you!

freemanbatch Fri 21-Sep-12 13:05:09

Can you take her out for lunch over weekend or for a coffee so you can talk properly and just tell her that her questions were a surprise as they came when they did, you are willing to answer her questions but you may have to say we'll speak about it later and arrange proper time for the two of you to discuss it properly?

As for how much you tell her that really comes down to what she will be able to handle knowing, don't lie to her and tell her it was all roses because some day when she's an adult you will probably tell her the whole truth and she needs to know you didn't lie but you don't have to tell her everything either just as much as will satisfy the question.

Good luck smile

missymayhemsmum Fri 21-Sep-12 23:18:41

Your dc may have had discussions at school about unplanned pregnancy and (maybe) abusive relationships, and is pieceing things together. You need to talk and be honest with her/ him?. Not making her bio dad out to be an ogre, but explaining that (while you loved each other), when he behaved in ways that were abusive, you ended the relationship to protect yourself and her.
If she eventually needs to know more about this part of her history are there other people who can give her an unbiased view about her bio dad? I know my son has had heart to hearts with his aunt who has been able to give him an objective view about why his dad wasn't living with him.

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