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Aibu to be really fucked off that exH is having another baby?

(18 Posts)
washingonawednesday Thu 20-Sep-12 19:23:14

Posted in aibu, but I think I'll probably be flamed to hell and back! A single mum perspective needed I think!

It's so hard to explain. I categorically do not ever want him back, so this isn't a 'want my family back together' thing.

We have a 20 month old. Exs baby is due next week.

There are so many things about this that piss me off!

Issue 1 is that he can now no longer afford to see his first child so access has dropped right down to less than once a month. That's really the only issue as far as my son goes (apart from minor drop in maintenance which I can cover)

I think my other issues are me being a miserable whiny bitch!

I think children are too important to mess about, so the fact he's knocked up ow so soon (they've only been together 18 months) really annoys me. His dad set up satellite families up and down the country that he never saw once he moved on. He's started to do it to my son and I can see the pattern repeating with this new one.

I am bitter, but why should the ow get support from a partner (albeit a shitty one on my opinion!) with her baby when he fucked off and left me with our son when he was 4 months old?

I will admit that I'm totally jealous! I would love another baby. But I'm still living at home, only work 3 days a week and have only been seeing my partner for a year. I'd love a baby, but not under those circumstances.

I feel really weird about the fact that my son is soon to have a half sister which is nothing to do with me and produced by the ow who unsuprisingly I hate! We live 100s miles apart so it's unlikely I'll ever see this child, but if my baby is going to have siblings, I want them to be mine- do you understand?

I just feel bitter, pissed off, upset, angry, jealous, everything!

Aibu for feeling like this?

avenueone Thu 20-Sep-12 19:28:28

It is a situation that has a lot of ramifications, no wonder your thoughts and emotions are everywhere.
It is a situation you have no control over yet can impact on you and your DS, or it may not. I would feel the same initially.
I am sure, if you can just allow things to unravel they will and it will be ok - concentrate on you and your DS, your new relationship and your future - deal with this and as when it affects you - if it does at all.

CurlyKiwiControl Thu 20-Sep-12 19:31:38

Yanbu.

I posted similar ages ago (I think I was flamed abit).

Hugs to you.

You got the best deal ... And you never know what the future will hold for you x

washingonawednesday Thu 20-Sep-12 19:33:16

Very wise! I know it's not actually going to affect me personally at all- its not my baby!

But it is going to change everything about my sons relationship with his dad and I'm not happy about that (he's made no effort to do anything. First time they'll see each other now is nivber for a quick weekend without the baby and then BAM! He'll go to stay for Christmas after ages without seeing his dad and with no warning there'll by another baby there. Ex thinks he'll take it in his stride 'because he has to' confused.

As for me- I'm all over the place!

washingonawednesday Thu 20-Sep-12 19:33:59

November! (stupid phone)!

Ok, in general I dont think you are being unreasonable. Its pretty shitty that he left you and your son at 4 months. And that he doesnt see him much. Does he pay maintenance?

But, your living situation isnt entirely his fault. Im sure there are a lot of other reasons for it.

18 months isnt really that "soon". And he cant not move on just because he has a child with you.

The feelings about the ow and the siblings not being yours are probably normal despite being irrational. But I think you know that anyway.

Most important is for you to get on with your life now. Make it the best you can and bring up your son. Be happy. You cannot change your ex, but you can control how your life goes from now on!

By the way, Im not flaming you. Im just trying to provide a bit of perspective.

Hope it doesnt sound harsh because it wasnt meant to be.

Camelsshouldnteatcrisps Thu 20-Sep-12 20:50:50

I don't think yabu to be upset about the situation, who in their right mind wouldn't be upset really, you've had it all going on. It's possible that my DC's could have step siblings in the future and if it happens in a few years time I might have time to get used to things and get prepared, but you haven't had much time yet really.

Be kind to yourself and keep looking to ways to make the future better (and bringing our boys up with a sense of responsibility and a good attitude towards woman).

ringodingo Thu 20-Sep-12 21:25:40

Washing, it,s kind of a raw feeling, one that hits you in the guts. The ramifications is what is hard to get your head around.your mind races through a thousand scenarios. you aren,t being miserable or whiney its just that you are trying and finding it hard to process this.
your,e not jealous, he walked out on you and 4 mth old baby. His dad has satellite family,pattern being repeated. you have had a lucky escape. I wouldn,t bother hateting the ow it,s not her fault as she has what you have been through with him all to come.
In an ideal world it would be lovely for our kids not to have half brothers and sisters I totally see where your coming from on that one, you have another chance of a future with somebodyelse, a new family. your relationship with him is gone but you got a beautiful child out of it, be happy with that and let go of the past. I know easier said than done, take a step back look at what you have got and not at what you wanted. Hugs to you.

crackcrackcrak Sat 22-Sep-12 09:55:30

Yanbu. I really hope my idiot exp has the sense to at least wait a few years. Dd's will have been so much. I want them to stay the centre of his world no matter what sad

susiedaisy Sat 22-Sep-12 09:56:41

YANBU

WildWorld2004 Sat 22-Sep-12 20:27:54

I was in a similar situation. Ex's new partner gave birth to their first child less than a year after we split. I was pissed off because my dd ended up at the bottom of his priority list. Five years later after much coming & a lot of disappearing by ex, dd doesnt see her dad as he doesnt bother. My dd is much better off now as shes no longer left wondering when or if he is going to visit her.

LouP19 Mon 24-Sep-12 13:54:34

I don't think YABU at all. I can understand all the hurt and frustration you have described and think it sounds a perfectly normal way to feel.

I'm 14 weeks pregnant. My husband left suddenly on the 1st August. I've since discovered he has been having an affair and his 'knock off' is expecting a child in early December. All of this has been a massive shock. We had been trying to conceive for 3 years. I had no idea he was having an affair, let alone that he'd got someone else pregnant. AND he carried on trying to conceive with me.

I am devastated that he's having a child with someone else before I will give birth to mine. And I know that my child will either not figure at all in his priorities or definitely be at the bottom of the list. sad

allthefun Mon 24-Sep-12 22:32:22

I think you have every right washingonawednesday. I am also shock at LouP's charming husband.

I went through similar and all I can say is that you have no idea how the future will pan out however it appears now.

I thought my ex would be happy with his perfect family (they were so happy and right for each other). Meanwhile I was a poor single mum living in a homeless hostel. In fact I met a fantastic (and well off!) man 9 months after having my DC and I know that other woman and ex have split up.

Keep the faith and good luck

LouP19 Tue 25-Sep-12 09:14:05

Nice story allthefun, glad it worked out for you. You do tend to feel a bit jealous of the fact that they've got someone else and it all appears rosey, but it's nice to know it doesn't always work out like that! smile

washingonawednesday Thu 27-Sep-12 17:52:10

Well she's born. Fucker picked my (theoretical) girls baby name. Wonder if ow knows that.

I feel just a shit as I thought I would sigh

carlywurly Thu 27-Sep-12 19:57:26

I feel for you, same thing happened to me earlier in the year. It really does sting but you do get used to it.

I had to meet OW and the baby the other week. That was awkward. They picked a horrific name for their dd though, which makes me grin. I can imagine how you feel about them using your theoretical girl's name, that's very insensitive of your ex to do that.

allthefun Thu 27-Sep-12 21:57:30

Oh poor you.

I think you should focus on how hard it will be for both of them. TBH if they only have been together 18 months they will have a steep learning curve. The honeymoon period will be just about wearing off and with the pressure of a newborn ...ha ha ha. Certainly won't be any fun with those night feeds, the "taking turns" (which never quite adds up) and all the other baby niggles.

It's not good to wish ill of anyone especially as there is an innocent child now in the mix, so try not to go down that route. Focus on the up sides of single parenting - you can do everything your way and no one else to think about. Know that you and your child can have a happy future and look forward.

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