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How much do you keep your ex informed?

(24 Posts)
NoToastWithoutKnickers Sun 16-Sep-12 18:26:58

2.5yo DD's just started at pre-school one day a week. Ex sees her alternate weekends, just for the days and has no involvement in her day-to-day life. He knows she's starting pre-school.

In October she'll be going for an extra day each week due to a course I'll be doing. This is a temporary arrangement just for 3 weeks.

If these were days that she was spending with a friend rather than going to pre-school it wouldn't occur to me to inform him. (It's none of his business what courses I'm doing and I really don't want him to know about this particular course).

Is it different that she'll be at pre-school for those 3 extra days rather than with a friend? I suppose I'm just wanting to know if IABU by not telling him and if he'll have reason to be an arse if he finds out another way.

All gentle opinions appreciated smile

MooncupsAndSaucers Sun 16-Sep-12 19:55:21

Yanbu. Where do you draw the line?You shouldn't have to tell him every change to your routine. UYGFY

citronella Sun 16-Sep-12 19:59:09

No of course you don't have to tell him about any change to your normal routine unless it affects his regular routine with your dd, in which case you only have to agree a change of times. There is no reason you should have to tell him what course etc that's your business.

CuriosityKilledTheCrap Sun 16-Sep-12 20:06:53

You don't have to tell him, but would she be more tired with him as a result? So if she'd need 'extra' TLC then it could be in her interests that her Dad knew?

I'm guessing not though!

Camelsshouldnteatcrisps Sun 16-Sep-12 20:07:00

I don't tell my ex that much re the day to day stuff tbh, he visits every other weekend too. I told him that DC2 was starting nursery but I'm not sure I told him what days he was doing. I tell him if he asks but he is a bit caught up in his own life atm so doesn't seem to be massively interested in the little details.

I really wouldn't worry about telling your ex about the extra day. If he does find out you could just say that the nursery had extra space and that you thought that the extra time there would be good for her. She could well be going for extra hours anyway when she turns 3.

NoToastWithoutKnickers Sun 16-Sep-12 20:17:58

Thanks all. I suspect that someone who works at the pre-school is passing on information to him through a 3rd party so it's kind of a test to see if this gets back to him and I'll have confirmation of what's going on.

I just wanted to check that I'm within my rights here. He still has a way of making me feel like I'm being a bitch for not telling him anything!

Mooncups UYGFY? confused Love your name btw grin

RedHelenB Mon 17-Sep-12 07:51:10

I can't see why you wouldn't tell him tbh.

StewieGriffinsMom Mon 17-Sep-12 07:55:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummystudent Mon 17-Sep-12 08:03:06

If he has parental rights (is on her birth certificate/you have a court arrangement/you were married at the time of birth) then he can contact the nursery independently and ask for your DD's progress/info to do with her life there- at any point, without you first saying that it's Ok. I was told this by my lawyer, as my ExP was hounding me to send all info from DS's nursery in the past. So this '3rd party' could well be the nursery itself telling him aafter he has approached them.

NoToastWithoutKnickers Mon 17-Sep-12 08:45:21

RedHelen I don't want to tell him, partly because it's a temporary thing for three weeks and therefore not particularly relevant, and partly because of my suspicions.

Stewie and mummystudent the informing bit is the tricky bit at the moment. I've already told him I'll give them his email address so he can receive newsletters and they have his details on the registration form (only work address though because he won't give me his home address).

I suspect that the news is getting back to him on an unofficial basis, but it's a small community and it would start getting very awkward if I started making complaints about how information is being fed back. She's only done one day and the information was getting back before she'd even started. It's very much still to do with control and I'm trying to retain a certain amount for myself.

qo Mon 17-Sep-12 08:46:56

I ask him about certain decisions, only if it's something I'd want him to ask me about if the situation were reversed, but I don't keep him informed of her every move - unless he asks.

purpleroses Mon 17-Sep-12 13:01:33

I don't see any reason to tell him.

But if he does find out, from the pre-school - that is not a "massive invasion of privacy" as someone has suggested - he'd be within his rights to ask or to be told because it's his DC.

So you might want just to have some answer prepared if he does ask why she's going more. You don't have to tell him the truth if it's none of his business, or you can of course say it's none of his business. I'd just say I had "some stuff on" in October or something similarly vague.

He has rights to know about his DC - but you don't have any duty to keep him informed other than when it affects his contact time (or for big decisions, which this isn't) But he doesn't have any rights at all to be kept informed of what you do in your life.

purpleroses Mon 17-Sep-12 13:12:46

Also - if you are worried about the preschool passing on information about your private life, then best not to tell them. You don't have to give a reason for asking for some extra sessions.

crackcrackcrak Mon 17-Sep-12 19:44:35

I don't inform exp when dd does extra days at nursery which she does now and then ad hoc. I know he's not happy about it but tough. It doesn't interfere with his contact with her.
That said I would like to be able to inform him in a friendly way about everything dd gets up to so he has a pictures of her life but he cannot be trusted not to interfere or sabotage somehow so that's the way it is.

lolo99 Sat 22-Sep-12 10:57:03

I don't thinnk that being on the birth certificate gives them any rights to call a nursery and ask for info actually. At my school - only the resident parent has rights to do that and as mum /resident parent you can prevent info being given if you have to, nothing to do with a name on a birth certificate.

wannabedomesticgoddess Sat 22-Sep-12 11:12:46

I used to give my ex little updates on DD because he kept banging on about how much he misses her when he doesnt have her and how he wants to be a big part of her life. He takes her two nights a week which is fair enough.

But the updates were "stressing him out" and I was "harrassing" him apparently hmm so now I see him at weekend pickup/dropoff and thats it. I share no info whatsoever.

He is just as involved with her preschool as me so I assume he will just ask them if he decides to care. Right now he doesnt even keep the pics and drawings she takes home on his days.

You dont have to tell him anything. He wont even give you his home address shock so why would you?

If you dont want the nursery passing things on then you need to find out where you stand legally and take it from there.

NotaDisneyMum Sat 22-Sep-12 17:39:40

lolo i appreciate that is your opinion but I'd hate anyone to think its a simple as that!

In the UK, a father named on the birth certificate gives him parental responsibility which can only be removed by a court and is not affected in any significant way by a residence order.

A parent with PR is entitled to be involved and informed about a childs schooling, medical care and similar significant issues and retains responsibility for them. If parents with PR cannot agree on particular issues, such as which school a child attends, whether or not to be vaccinated - they can object and seek a specific issue or prohibited steps order which places the decision in the hands of a court.

On a practical level - a NRP can (and IMO, should) request that a school seek their independent permission for activities etc alongside that of the RP, and NRP can take their child to the Dr, dentist etc and consent to treatment independently of the RP.

The fact that there is a RP does not absolve the NRP from responsibility for those decisions - and if a RP excludes the NRP, they are not only failing their DCs, but they are leaving themselves vulnerable to accusations of alienation should the NRP pursue it.

OptimisticPessimist Sat 22-Sep-12 17:55:31

How does that apply to childcare settings like nurseries and childminders NADM, who are generally under contract with only one parent? Do they have to follow the same rules as schools?

Also, I had a nanny for a while, she was my employee - would she also have been answerable to XP should he have wanted to contact her (he did at one point suggest he would do so) and would she have been legally obliged to give them into his care if he requested it (as schools are), or did her employment contract with me override his PRRs? Just curious - doesn't really affect me personally now.

In answer to the OP, my XP doesn't have an active part in the children's lives so I only inform him of big things such as when DS1 was diagnosed with ASD (he actually doesn't have PRRs for him as he was born before the law changed here). I didn't tell him about DS2 starting school/DD starting nursery, although they told him and it was obvious they would continue to attend at the school we were already using, I haven't told him that DS2 is getting speech therapy, I copied him the school reports the first year but didn't this year, I haven't sent him copies of any of the reports on DS1. Last year I sent him a copy of the boys' school photo but I won't be this year.

In answer to your question, I don't think your DD having some extra sessions at nursery is something you necessarily need to inform him of. I wouldn't, personally.

NotaDisneyMum Sat 22-Sep-12 18:03:30

I'm not sure if a case involving a nanny had ever gone to court - but in terms of pre-school/nursery and CM, they are ( (or were last time I checked) subject to the same guidance (from OFSTED & various professional bodies) as the DfE gives to schools - which basically says, when in doubt, deal with both parents.

My understanding is that there is no legal requirement for schools and nurseries to seek both parents permission etc, but it is strongly advisable as there is a risk of litigation should something go wrong - the school (or GP, or nursery) should not assume that parents are in agreement.

When my DD went on a school residential trip, the coach company which was transporting them required signed parental permission, provided through the school - and the school requested that both me and DDs Dad sign!

NotaDisneyMum Sat 22-Sep-12 18:05:44

As for your Nanny handing your DD over to her Dad - anyone without PR (even a grandparent) can be considered to have kidnapped a child if they refuse to hand that child over to a parent, even a NRP, with PR.

STIDW Sat 22-Sep-12 18:34:10

If you are talking about PPR presumably you are in Scotland and the law is different.

In England & Wales if both parents have Parental Responsibility they have equal responsibility and rights to carry out those responsibilities. That means agreement or permission from the court needs to be sought about important matters such as changing a child's name, moving abroad to live and important educational or medical decisions such as changing school or whether to vaccinate or not.

However, where more than one person has PR each of them may act unilaterally on day-today matters and delegate child care to someone else - see s2 (7) Children Act 1989.

The current guidance for schools is here;

Schools must give parents certain information by law such as annual reports and a NRP is just as entitled to that information as the parent with the majority of care. Nurseries aren't bound by the same law.

Although parents are entitled to information about their children they aren't entitled to information about third parties. That means schools and doctors may give information about the number of attendances a child has had but they have to be careful not to divulge information about children's attendance at certain times if it gives information about a parent's whereabouts.

NotaDisneyMum Sat 22-Sep-12 18:37:44

Thanks S - I keep forgetting that it's totally different in Scotland blush

OptimisticPessimist Sat 22-Sep-12 19:07:46

Yes I am, sorry blush I had thought that PR/PRRs were pretty much the equivalent of each other, although the solicitor I spoke to ex

OptimisticPessimist Sat 22-Sep-12 19:12:26

Gah, hit post too soon blush

She explained that in Scotland it's not a straightforward application for PRR, the applicant has to apply for each Right/Responsibility separately and give a good argument as to why them having it would be in the best interests of the child.

Thanks for the info NADM smile I guess nannies are a hard one - some are registered with OFSTED/the Care Inspectorate, but they aren't bound by the same rules that CMs are and aren't subject to inspections... Certainly in my situation I asked her not to engage with him (he had decided he was going to approach her to arrange contact rather than me, although he didn't have her contact details so never actually followed through with it) and she said that as far as she was concerned I was her employer and he was nothing to do with her <shrug>

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