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Absent father...would you contact his family?

(44 Posts)
Fifi2406 Tue 31-Jul-12 22:17:37

I have no contact with my son's dad, haven't since I was 9 weeks pregnant apart from ONE chance meeting in a car park when I bumped into him in the city he lives when my son was 4 months old (i live near london, he is from Leicester) he doesnt contribute and has seen his son once, should I get in contact with his family? Which would be through facebook but they aren't on my friends list. I dont really know what I am hoping to happen but its on my mind constantly! what would you do?

FlatCapAndAWhippet Tue 31-Jul-12 22:23:44

I wouldnt do anything, I assume they could contact you if they wanted to? Do they even know about your son? sad

Fifi2406 Tue 31-Jul-12 22:26:51

No they have no idea about him! he just cut me out of his life completely. I just feel so terrible that my son doesn't have his and he has 2 older brothers he is never going to know! and grandparents and uncles and aunties and as i don't have any brothers or sisters myself i feel hes missing out!

FlatCapAndAWhippet Tue 31-Jul-12 22:34:06

I think firstly you have to determine what you want from them if you do decide to contact them, also how they will respond to such a big shock and whether or not they are going to complicate things and create upheavel in your life.

I wouldnt i dont think.

corlan Tue 31-Jul-12 22:40:55

I would contact them for 2 reasons. Firstly, because it might give your son a chance to know his wider family, although it's probably quite a slim chance. Secondly, because I could not allow him to get away with denying his child's existence.

You have to be prepared for more rejection though - the family may want nothing to do with you - they may just ignore you completely. Their son may tell them it's all lies and the child is not his. Do you feel strong enough to face that at the moment?.

Have you contacted the CSA to get him to pay child support? He has a child and the law says he should support the child financially (whether he feels like it or not).

Fifi2406 Tue 31-Jul-12 22:43:39

I don't know how they would react! I just hate the whole situation! I struggle money wise and now I am struggling mentally! I have the same dreams over and over that play out me telling them or me being able to contact him, things being the ideal perfect situation everyone dreams of! Every night I wake up a few times thought the night after having a dream about him! Good or bad! And I think I would want to know if I had a grand child out there but not everyone is the same are they just going to turn around and tell me to go away!

Fifi2406 Tue 31-Jul-12 22:46:42

I've tried to contact Csa and the address I had for him he no longer lives at and they said I don't have anything else to go on for them to find him! Although I can tell them his whole families names where his mum lies and his name is unusual there can't be many with the same name in that area so I just gave up trying to get CSA! I don't know if I can't take the rejection again!! But I feel like I should try everything so my son can't think bad of me in the future like I didn't try hard enough

KickTheGuru Tue 31-Jul-12 22:47:45

Random but I recently got in touch with my half siblings and we're just so different. I don't think it will ever be the same as full siblings. Sorry - not "don't think". It won't be. My sisters and I are very close and my have sister and brother and I are just....not. At all. I guess there is occasionally a hope but that's all it is and it comes and goes.

He may want to know them when he gets older but I guess sometimes its easier to get the rejection side (if there is one) over when he is younger. i battled with it when I was older

Fifi2406 Tue 31-Jul-12 22:49:37

Would it be different of you always knew them though was it just that you contacted them so late?

KickTheGuru Tue 31-Jul-12 22:58:38

We always knew that they were there. We had met them a few times very young in life. We lived in different countries though but I recently met up with all three of my half siblings and there really just isn't anything there.

I'm sure if we made more effort younger it would be differnet.

Nothing makes up for real siblings though.

I guess now you have to ask yourself if you want him to know his family. In which case, I would contact the father (if you could) and ask him? Or contact his mother (only her) and ask her if she wants to get to know her grandson

I would (for the sake of propriety) ensure that you can take DNA if she would feel better (if she desperately wants to get to know DS but is uncertain) and that none of this is an attempt to get money.

If you want maintenance, obviously go for that. But both require different tactics.

I would contact the mother though and tell her the story and that if she wants to (because you want to), perhaps meet for coffee and she can meet him?

Women like to be the matriarch so they are the route in. She would ultimately make the decision and I guess, woudl also ultimately be the one to get the son to pay maintenance... smile

KickTheGuru Tue 31-Jul-12 22:59:21

Sorry that meant - contact your DS's father or your DS's fathers mother??

NiceViper Tue 31-Jul-12 23:08:28

Are the 'brothers' you refer to your DS's half siblings? Is that family intact? Do they know about your finished relationship?

For I think you need to look at your motivation here. If you want maintenance, then it's one thing. If you want your DS to know his wider family, that's another; but if you are looking for resumed contact with the father, that's quite another. No matter how many dreams you are having about him, he has left and, with apologies for being blunt, if he didn't want you then he's vanishingly unlikely to want you plus one now. And obsessing about him will not help you forge a future.

Fifi2406 Tue 31-Jul-12 23:10:18

Ahh I guess you were meeting total stranger adults that's different to meeting other children but not having any siblings, half, step or real myself i know id have loved them when I were young! I'd rather struggle for money and his dad not pay anything but have my son have a good relationship with his family! I feel like he's just going to miss out!

Fifi2406 Tue 31-Jul-12 23:14:43

My dreams are more ideal situation for my son not for me! I do not want a relationship with his father for me! I had such fun with my dad who is now not alive and my son isn't going to have that with any part of that side of his family! That's what I meant by ideal. And I know he is a good father to his other 2 children

Fifi2406 Tue 31-Jul-12 23:19:13

When I bumped in to him apart from being in total shock for seeing him, the only thing I felt was anger that he wasn't involved and how he could carry on with his life knowing he had a child out there and then seeing him! (he seemed over the moon when he saw him) and called me to arrange to see him and my phone cut off and he never called again and the number was private

Fifi2406 Tue 31-Jul-12 23:20:42

My son's dad is no longer with the 2 boys mum! Split before we were together so they are my sons half brothers

MakeItALarge Tue 31-Jul-12 23:42:47

I was in a similar situation, xdp left when i was 14wks pregnant, had no contact until ds was born visited for a few weeks until he got bored then decided he wanted nthing to do with us. His mum had met ds and I once so I rang her to ask if she would like to see him. She immediatly went into a rant about xp's new gf and xgf confused and it took her 5mins just to ask how ds was. On the phone she said she would like to see him, i gave her my number, 2months later she still hasnt got in touch.

I think you should contact them though, be prepared for it not to work and for the risk of rejection but at least you can say you tried!

Fifi2406 Wed 01-Aug-12 17:22:18

I just don't understand how someone can not wanna be involved it's beyond me!

happygolucky0 Wed 01-Aug-12 18:15:40

Yes I think I would. Like you say how would you feel if you had a grandchild and no one told you. Once you have made contact though I don't think that much relationship can take place as you live quite far apart. Maybe cards at Christmas and Birthdays. But on the other hand that is what I have with my ex's family and I just think (not trying to be mean) but my son is 14 and he doesnt know these people but we started something with presents and cards that is quite hard to stop. They now live in France and have the invite to come whenever they visit England but never have. (never enough time).

Sometimes our hearts hurt for the things we want our children to have and it's tough. He/she has you and you have them think about.
It is easier for some peps to walk away and try and forget. I guess we will never understand their reasons... let us know what you decide.

MakeItALarge Wed 01-Aug-12 18:43:39

In a way were lucky as we dont have the usual arguments and hassle that is involved with the ex, but it does break my heart that my sons been rejected! In your position I would want them to know of yout childs existence though, and its only fair they have a choice as to whether they see him.

Could you get hold of their adress? A short letter and a photo may be nicer than a facebook message.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango Wed 01-Aug-12 18:57:20

I'm in a similar situation.

I contacted my sons family via Facebook as that was the only way I knew how. All I said was that I wanted them to feel welcome to play a part in their grandsons life and that the could contact me if they wanted to.

I don't know if they knew about him. They never replied but I can tell my son that I tried and the door was open. That was important to me.

I understand the anger. Ex is not involved at all althought there is a meeting planned next week. I'm not sure if he will turn up though.

maristella Wed 01-Aug-12 19:02:23

I tried so hard to maintain contact with DS' absent father's family but it was so one sided sad

In the end DS asked that they either see him and spend time with him or stop sending him stuff. Their presents served as a reminder of their rejection. While I appreciate that they meant well in sending him stuff (and have not stopped sending him stuff angry ) I wish that I had given up on them much sooner. I used to phone every now and then, but it was never positive as they would always go on about what a great father XP is now, errr no he fucking isn't!

I'm glad I gave them the chance to be DS' family, but I wish I had cut them out sooner, rather than allowing them to reject DS.

MakeItALarge Wed 01-Aug-12 19:14:41

Maristella - the same happened to my friend, the gps wanted to visit once a year on xmas day to bring presents, after a few years my friend lost her temper and told them they couldnt as they werent father fucking christmas grin

cantfindamnnickname Wed 01-Aug-12 19:32:00

I had a very good relationship with my dad's family despite having no contact with him - they didnt see him either.
We dont talk now but that is grown up stuff.
They were very supportive of me and my mum and I was part of the family - I used to stay with my Uncles for weeks at a time.

Snoopersparadise Wed 01-Aug-12 19:55:04

I think you probably should contact them, but be prepared for opening a whole big can of worms!

How would you feel if they then decided they wanted contact regularly. I.e your DS was to go to them without you. Or if they started to ring constantly, etc etc etc.

From what you say, you are kind of living in hope that by getting in touch with his family, that your ex will do the family thing with you and your son.

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