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Controlling ex husband, causing lots of problems - help

(11 Posts)
Ladybird2004 Sun 17-Jun-12 10:51:31

My children are 8 and 5 and I am really struggling with my ex husband trying to control every single thing the children and I do.
He left us three years ago for another woman and then had a mental breakdown and was off work for a year. He refuses to pay us any money so there are court battles going on in relation to that.
The main problems are the constant way he bullies me and tries to control me. If the children are unwell then he says I have to tell him even if it's a cold then when I do he rings their GP and checks then asks for a printout of the appt details. When I speak to the teachers at the school about tiny things like if they fell over at school he goes mad if he finds out and says he forbids me from talking to the school about anything without consulting him and gaining his approval first. He has never attended a parents evening in his life and shows no interest ever in their education.
I am so terrified of doing anything or saying anything. He rings the school to check they are there weekly.
He has no reason to do any of this, they are healthy and happy children who always go to school but I am now scared to even put in the kids school diaries what we have been doing as he will demand the school give him copies of it.
He is only allowed to see the children once a month supervised as ordered by the court as the children are scared of him and have issues seeing him.
How can I work with the school to gain some confidence as it is becoming a real problem.
Any advice would be really appreciated

bonnieslilsister Sun 17-Jun-12 11:11:03

Do the school know he can only see them once a month supervised? Our school have agreed to speak only to me about the children although he can go to parent evenings with me. I would not tell him anything yourself either. Don't answer his calls and don't volunteer any information. If you are worried about him reacting to this can you get an order that he keeps away from you?

Ladybird2004 Sun 17-Jun-12 12:56:32

The school were good but there is a new headteacher now and my ex seems to have persuaded him to give him information. I am thinking of sending them to private school from September to see if it helps. How did you manage to get the school to only talk to you?

queenofthepirates Sun 17-Jun-12 16:06:36

He sounds like a prize catch!

I doubt you can change him but an assertiveness course would probably do you the power of good. You can say no to him and refuse to play his game but you need a few tricks in your repertoire to help you and do it confidently. You are not doing anything wrong but please do stand up to this man for your own sake.

RandomMess Sun 17-Jun-12 16:13:17

I wonder legally what you can do, these are unreasonable demands. Just refused and let him take you to court if he wants to?

Dee03 Sun 17-Jun-12 16:15:53

I agree with the others, you do need to start standing up for yourself. I wouldnt tell him jack shit personally.

He sounds like a complete control freak and a bully.

Ladybird2004 Sun 17-Jun-12 17:41:10

Thanks everyone, it's really helpful advice. I am normally really assertive and have a high powered job in management but he seems to be able to make me feel completely inadequate and bullies me. Now I think if I say that to the school they will tell him that and he would be thrilled. I think I have made the decision to move them to private school, I am sure he will object and take me to court over it though.

bonnieslilsister Sun 17-Jun-12 20:51:16

I just put it in writing and said he had mental health issues and I wanted them to communicate only with me fortunately he lost interest after persecuting us for a while

If you are going private, if you are the one paying the fees, you will be the one they deal with. Good luck smile

RedHelenB Mon 18-Jun-12 07:12:49

Private school or not as their Dad he can still ask for information & be entitled to see it. What are your main concerns about him gaining information? BTW, you don't have to speak to him, you don't have to comply with his demands - as others have said, stick up for yourself. If he only has contact 1 day a month ho0w does he know about them having colds!!??

cestlavielife Mon 18-Jun-12 15:09:36

with parental repsonsibility he is entitled to info from school and gp - but he can get it from them directly.

try an get yourself on counselling/CBT type therpay tho - ask gp for referal to discuss strategies with a therapist - or go on a group divorced and separated course like www.drw.org.uk to give you more confidence in dealing with this

if kids are healthya dn happy at school dont move them!!

Lola1977 Sun 08-Oct-17 17:16:43

Hi. My first time one here, but I am looking for some help. My ex husband and I don't talk at all after a difficult divorce and difficult contact visits with the children. After an issue last year in a visit with him and his new partner the children aged 12 and 11 refused to visit him again. I encouraged them to but they both said they needed a break and would have a think about it. They were both deeply traumatised. My ex husband rather than apologising or trying to work things out went straight to court. The court agreed more detailed findings were required and CAFCASS got involved. They spoke to both children individually as well as myself and my ex husband. The CAFCASS officer put words into the childrens mouths and promised that if he didn't behave again they wouldn't need to go. This is factually incorrect. Anyway after various court proceedings, core assets supervised visits he won back contact. There were stipulations such as his partner cant be there as she is known to social services and the children cant stay overnight. The children have had 7 contact visits since then and already they are coming home in tears. My youngest has refused to go again and he is threatening to take me back to court. Has anyone got any advice on where I can go to next? I cant keep affording to go back to court as my ex husband hasn't been paying maintenance and is thousands upon thousands of pounds in arrears. CAFCASS seem useless and I just keep getting told he isn't a great parent but its in the kids best interests to see him. I don't agree and neither do the children. Can anyone offer any advice?

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