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Supervised Contact Help.......................

(16 Posts)
mumyumi Mon 07-Nov-11 11:45:50

Has anyone ever known of supervised contact having to be stopped?
To cut a long story wrong there was DV inflicted on me and my boys aged 5 yeras and 4 years we fled to refuge, there was a fact finding the father got away with everything - even though there was plenty of evidence, police reports his criminal record for violence he even lost his temper in court thumping table and swearing but the judges did not recognise what a horrible violent man he is and ordered supervised contact.
He never paid any attention to our boys he said he never wanted children, he is on;ly doing this to get back at me.

My eldest boy age 5 refuses to see his dad as he inflicted the vioplence on all of us - there is a child psychiatrist involved to support us. I'm not one of those lying women who create parent alienation just to be mean to the ex. I'm very hurt and have no faith in the British Law sysem at all I hate women that lie as it messes things up for the real cases like me and my kids - I have been painted with the same brush as these liars. All I want to do is protect my children.

My question is if the supervised contact stresses my children out too much will I be forced to force them to see their dad?
Cafcass ensured me that if the children stress out too much it will be stopped but we will try again.
Do any of you have the same experiences as me? how did it work out for you and your children?
Many thansk for reading x

mumyumi Mon 07-Nov-11 12:14:15

Sorry you must excuse the spelling mistakes I try to type fast lol

cestlavielife Mon 07-Nov-11 12:16:40

you need to be speaking to the child psychiatrist - they should listen to profressionals views.

it is likely there will be push to see him supervised yes.
but is it supervised eg contact centre or properly recorded contact?
tehre is a difference

recorded and supervised and observed will result in report smade to court - needs a "proper" contact centre.

jsut supervised run by volunteers etc will only result in record of he turned up or didnt.

you need to ask for properly monitored contact - maybe even get child psychiatrist to do the contact session ro to observe it - cafcass can arrange this espec if judge orders it

Commissioned Child Contact Services:

Child Contact Services offer observation and recording of contact sessions that can help to establish contact. It is a short term intervention that only Cafcass practitioners can refer to.

Supported Contact Centres:

Supported Contact Services offer venues and facilities for Child Contact. It is a short term support, and referrals must meet safety guidelines.

mumyumi Mon 07-Nov-11 15:42:28

it will be supervised by Cafcass and at a contact centre/ agency which is hired by Cafcass. I'm just so worried about my eldest he is terrified of his father no too sure about my youngest boy as he does not remeber much but my eldest does.
The psychiatrist wants to see us when the contact starts so we'll just have to see what happens.
I do not have any faith in what the Judges will order they have not taken anything of what really happened in consideration.
Surely if any of my children are too upset they cannot expect them to have to see their dad is that not abusing them?
Thanks for youy reply

GypsyMoth Mon 07-Nov-11 15:47:55

It's horrible, you have my sympathy ( been there)

However, they HAVE recognised this, hence cafcass/supervised/child psychologist. You have done well so far. The 'contact' will be hard on you, but I guess it needs to be attempted at least, before further decisions are made

mumyumi Mon 07-Nov-11 17:31:57

Thanks for you reply IloveTIFFANY, sorry that you have been through the same, how did it end up for you?
I know an attempt has to be made I don't want to be blamed years later by my children when they are older- they will find ouit themselves what he is like my eldest boy already knows what his Dad is like, I also do not want my children to lose their trust in me by making them go.
I refuse to use physical efforts to get them in there, then I'm worried after all the supervised contact - the dad will be a plastic fantastic Daddy as he is being watched, it's when the unsupervised contact starts - if it does! my eldest boy is so terrified of him - I'm not sure how it will end up!
I'm so worried I just wished the Judges could see my memories or I wish I could have taken a lie detector test - at least they would have had an idea of what we've been through.x

OhWesternWind Mon 07-Nov-11 17:55:39

Mumyumi, so much of what you write strikes a deep chord with me. We are in almost identical circumstances apart from my two are older and we are not as far down the court route yet. My children hate hate hate their abusive father and will not even speak his name. He has done untold damage, one child has threatened suicide, both are having counselling and yet I am told it is likely he will get supervised contact to see them.

Like you say, to try and get them to see him feels like a betrayal of their trust. Since I found out about the abuse I have moved heaven and earth to keep them safe. There is no way I can force them to see him and I would not physically lay hands on them to force them into the car or anything like that. Does anyone know what happens if the children refuse to go to the contact meeting? I would seriously like some advice on this as I think this is very likely to happen with us.

cestlavielife Mon 07-Nov-11 22:14:21

the decision has been taken out of your hands and you have to hope that whatever happens is properly recorded and witnessed.

if it goes well - well all well and good but try and drag out the supervised as long as possible - so the dc are older
one presumes that your ex has presented to judge as loving dad who just wants to see his children...well unless there substantial proven grounds they are almost obliged to follow the supervised contact route...certainly i ahd judges who gave impression they thought any stress/mh issues on part of my ex were due to separation etc - they really didnt get that his issues were long standing - infact have just gotten worse and in any case began long before separation!

next step after contact centre would be supervised by an agreed adult outside contact centre - again you can try and drag this out as long as possible.

so you could be 12 months down the line before unsupervised happens and- but for dc to build up trust may take some time.

in mean time keep speaking to psychologist.

let's say actually it goes well and dc begin to trust him - well if it then does go wrong they will be able to tell you as so much older and hopefully then would be listened too.

we moved from contact centre in 2009 to supervised outside contact centre thru 2010 - then unsupervised - but oct 2010 he flipped and there has been limited supervised contact since - however he has not had wherewithal to take me back to court...tho in any case i have support of SS etc - and dds now at age where they would be listened to.

cestlavielife Mon 07-Nov-11 22:16:31

it did help me to follow advice and know that i had done what i could presented case etc - whatever judge decided was out of my hands.

somedayillbesaturdaynite Mon 07-Nov-11 22:25:55

i am about 6 months into contact centre contact and another mner who could have written your op. tbh, it's not going all that great as xp has failed to attend twice which triggered a negative reaction in dc1 about 3 months ago. the only real advice i've been given is to keep a behaviour diary, and today i have to write about dc1 5.9yrs stealing & bullying in school sad I have NEVER had issues with behaviour from either dc before.

somedayillbesaturdaynite Mon 07-Nov-11 22:30:10

ATM we are due back in court for the next hearing next month and cafcass have advised a least another 6 months before current arrangement is reviewed.

XP also has other children by multiple OW (including some who are now adults) and is not allowed to see any of the younger ones unsupervised, so there may be issues with his other dc that Data Protection prevents me from knowing about, but that affect my dc's case.

mumyumi Tue 08-Nov-11 11:08:20

wow thanks for all your replies, I don't feel so alone knowing there are other poor mothers and children going through this awful situation. Cafcass's motto is "putting children first" so we will see the supervised contact starts soon so I will keep you posted in how it goes, many thanks all xx

mumyumi Mon 02-Jan-12 09:36:22

Hi all Hppy New Year to you all I hope we all have a great 2012.
Just an update the supervised contact is not going that good my little boy is going to see dad with encouragement however my eldest is still refusing to go. I have been blamed for poisoning my littleboy's mind! Like he doesn't have a memory! we still have to keep trying to encourage him to see his dad but he refuses point blank. My question is does anyone have any experience with supervised contact what happens after all the sessions have been completed? surely it cannot go straight to unsupervised? my boys haven't seen their dad;s family for such a long time they will not know who they are - and what about my eldest boy? surely the courts cannot make him see his dad? we have an appointment with the psychiatrist soon, I have asked for a statement from the psychiatrist about my boys the psychiatrist said he cannot write a report!!!! so what is his role then? i'm so worried for my boys especially my eldest what effect will all this have on him he is already showing signs of bad behaviour again - ha broke a window in a temper by throwing a toy at it - it's like we are taking a step backwards, he had progressed so much and now he is going back to they way he was.
Sorry to moan but I really could do with some advice on this i have looked on the internet but found nothing that would tell me what happens after the supervised conatct.
thanks for listening xxxx

cestlavielife Mon 02-Jan-12 23:34:10

Report everything eg go to gp about ds behaviour.
After contact centre it should be review and cafcass recommendation. If has gone well then supervised outside contact centre. We had "by an adult agreed to by both parties "

Staceyj1991 Sun 09-Feb-14 15:10:34

Hi, I know your posts were a while ago now but just wondered how things have ended up?
I'm going through a similar situation and have been going through court for over 2 years and the father has been given supervised contact as the courts haven't beloved a word I have said either as nothing can be proven, he also has a criminal record as long as your arm and been in and out of prison. My child is 3 now and hasn't ever met him and we have moved 300 miles away but I am waiting for a date of the first meeting and I am so worried as she won't even know who this man is.

Jacll Wed 19-Mar-14 17:36:08

Similar situation here. The Court don't seem to put the well being of the child first. The Court did accept that father was a fantasist and potential groomer but still made an order resulting in supervised session last week. However, child refused to leave mother. The 'supervisor' tried to entice child with a teddy bear! It's crazy to expect a young child to be expected to leave the security of its mother and go with a complete stranger to have contact with the father who is also a complete stranger as he hasn't ever had any meaningful contact. It may be in the long term best interests of a child to have contact with the absent parent but not at the cost of psychological damage and potential abuse.

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