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spending the night at dads

(5 Posts)
bestmammy Mon 24-Oct-11 20:13:46

hi i had to come on and ask, ok so heres the story,
my boyf and i split about a month agom we have a three yr old lil girl. we lived together but i was the main one, he kind of preffered his own time, for football, playstation rests and spent little time with me and daughter, we solit and decided that he would see her on a saturday and she cud sleep over and drop her up sunday morning, we also said he could see her mon and wed after work frm 5-7. was goin good for first two weeks,

told her daddy doesnt live with us, not that she even noticed as he was never here, but heres the thing, i never left her so much or so long on a saturday and she has started saying now, 'mammy doesnt love me she keeps leaving me' sad

this is seriously distressing me she cudnt even stay ovr the past two weekends she gets so upset going to sleep as she alwyas has me she only has to turn and im there,
now what her little hed is telling her, not that daddy is gone but that mammy keeps leaving me..
im so so so so so upset over this and dont even wann leave her to go to work tommorro i really dont no what to do, she has to have a relationship with her dad but the last thing i want is for her to think that i dont love her, when id give my left limb for her u no,
if anyone can help. give advise would be greatly appreciated

STIDW Mon 24-Oct-11 22:30:45

When adults have traumatic experiences we look for the familiar and constant. IT's the same for children and no matter what the intention for them parents separating maybe traumatic. One parent has left so the survival instinct may kick in with the child clinging onto the other parent because they fear being abandoned. A parent with the majority of care is the constant, the other parent who doesn't live there any more is not. The main carer is there at night and in the morning, the child clings to the constant.

YOu need to give your daughter lots of reassurance that she hasn't been abandoned and although you and your partner don't love each other any more you both love her and won't leave. Reducing the length of time she is away from you at the weekends and/or forgoing overnight stays for several weeks until she feels secure again might help. It's important though to maintain contact little and often though so that your daughter realises Dad hasn't abandoned her even though he doesn't live there any more.

MrGin Tue 25-Oct-11 09:05:33

At some point your dd will realize that she always goes back to mummy's. Give her lots of reassurance , be enthusiastic about her trips to dad's.

If you're on speaking terms with XP it might be an idea to have a chat about night time parenting just to make sure you're both on the same page. Given what you've described he may be a bit clueless about dealing with an upset child at 3am.

When my dd ( 2 years ) started staying with me I did on the odd occasion to start with sleep in her room and gave her loads of reassurance.

That's all you can do really. It's obviously a change for her, but children adapt quickly.

bestmammy Tue 25-Oct-11 22:55:31

thanks for comments feeling a little better, jus don want her t resent me, im jus trying to please her, her dad and everybody but at end of day il do wat makes her happy, thanks guys for all ur comments x

babyocho Wed 26-Oct-11 11:54:49

My 3yo is getting used to staying with her dad and he is getting better at dealing with her upset, which is a lot less now.

Whenever she goes to stay with her dad she always asks whether I will be at home when she gets back, where I am sleeping etc. They need reassurance, one parent has left their home (even if they see the other parent all the time) and want to be sure that the other one will still be there.

Also, since DD's dad moved out she has decided to sleep in my bed! My SIL keeps saying you want to stop that, but if it helps her to feel secure at night then it works for me. ANyway, DD is sleeping in her own bed (her choice) more now that she is feeling more secure.

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