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Where/when to arrange first contact with H

(16 Posts)
amitooangry Sun 23-Oct-11 19:17:42

I split up with H two weeks ago, and since then communication has only been by text. We arranged to meet in a cafe near my workplace to discuss contact arrangements etc and he cancelled at the last minute. Since then I haven't gone out of my way to make any arrangements, as DS (age 2.5) seems happy, content and has hardly mentioned his dad.

H has a history of passive-aggressive emotional abuse - not turning up, "forgetting" things which are important to me, and no financial support for DS (or bills etc) while we were together.

I don't want to "stage-manage" his relationship with DS so I have really stayed quiet on this and I don't want him to try to use DS to hurt me.

H has only asked how DS is once in 2 weeks.

Now I get a text saying "I really wanna see DS pls even just for a minute pls". I am really pissed off with the emotional blackmail in this text - I haven't stopped him seeing DS, or even speaking to him - I just haven't organised everything for him.

I really want contact to be on neutral territory (i.e. not our house, nor where he is staying) but am slightly concerned that H may try to take DS with him e.g. if we go to the park or something - I am injured at the moment and wouldn't be able to chase them IFYSWIM.

What would you suggest/what is reasonable in these circumstances?

I also need to talk finances etc with H but I don't think this will be easy with DS around.

ChocHobNob Sun 23-Oct-11 19:52:54

Can you not communicate via email and sort out contact arrangements?

If not, you could always try mediation/

TastyMuffins Sun 23-Oct-11 20:03:56

Can you arrange contact at a friend or relative's house or at a contact centre?

It has only been 2 weeks, this is a relatively short time, has he moved out of your home? What is wrong with the place where he is staying? Your ex may have a lot of things to sort out if he has moved out and may be finding it difficult to say how he feels or to know when is a good time for contact.

cestlavielife Sun 23-Oct-11 21:10:28

where would he take him to?
do you mean take and not bring back?
why do you think that?

offer a meeting in a neutral place and take a friend.

Daisy1986 Sun 23-Oct-11 22:28:49

Seek legal advice first 30mins consultation is free with most places. The longer you DS doesnt see his Dad the harder it will be for him to see him/stay with him. He is a young age and will forget soon enough.
Find out where he is living if your worried he'll take him.
Suggest a soft play type area DS will love it. EXH can play with DS while you stay out of the way having a coffee and catching up with a book/mag and/or take someone with you. You could suggest the person you take with you take DS home while you and ex try and sort contact out after the session.

Raeday Mon 24-Oct-11 03:07:53

daisy1986...

the advice you have given is incredibly stupid, wrong and abusive. You quote

... ' the longer your DS doesnt see his Dad the harder it will be for him to see him..'

Shame on you, and good luck to the man that has to fight against this type of controlling abusive behaviour that is so prevailant in so many of todays 'mothers'.

amitooangry Mon 24-Oct-11 07:40:25

I'm not sure why this thread has taken this turn. I am not trying to stop ExH seeing DS at all - just want to make sure it is minimum stress for all of us.

I am worried (although maybe a bit OTT) that he would take DS - he is staying with some friends at the moment, so wouldn't necessary take him there. He is part of a very tight-knit community and I would struggle to get DS back, if they didn't want me to.

Anyway, have arrange to meet in cafe/softplay tomorrow and will see if he turns up.

ThisIsExtremelyVeryNotGood Mon 24-Oct-11 08:52:40

I think that Daisy meant that the longer DS didn't see his Dad the harder it would be on DS, ie at his young age he will forget people quickly and it would be distressing for him should the situation continue for a long period of time and then he be expected to stay with someone who had become a stranger. I saw nothing in her post to suggest that the OP should deliberately obstruct contact hmm

STIDW Mon 24-Oct-11 12:56:48

The sooner a routine of regular contact can be established the better. Although it isn't always obvious apparently toddlers are more affected by their parents separation than older children. Is there any reason why your husband shouldn't soon take your son to the park/play area/Mc Donalds on his own?

It doesn't happen very often but you should be reassured that if push comes to shove and your husband did take your son the courts could order and organise his return to you as the main carer in a matter of a few hours.

amitooangry Tue 25-Oct-11 16:40:12

Ok so he was 15mins late, blaming a puncture and then said he could only have ds for 30mins. So far the worst few mins of my life! Pls tell me this gets easier?

amitooangry Tue 25-Oct-11 16:47:02

Now he is not at agreed pickup. How long do i leave it and what do i do??

GypsyMoth Tue 25-Oct-11 16:51:22

15mins, then text him?

STIDW Tue 25-Oct-11 17:19:12

I would chill out. If you agree to meet him in a park or play area once or twice a week why not just enjoy the time on your own with the child and leave after half an hour or so if he doesn't turn up? The ball is then in his court to take up the contact or not. Keep a contact diary to record any missed contact and receipts for any ice cream or whatever you buy when you are there.

It isn't possible to appease or negotiate/mediate with someone who is being unreasonable. All you can do is set boundaries and look to your own behaviour, for example by not reacting to him.

balia Tue 25-Oct-11 17:23:13

I really hope he turned up, OP. If he contacted you to say he was running late it sounds like he is intending to be there. Let us know how it went.

amitooangry Tue 25-Oct-11 17:28:16

Thanks he came back and DS is now safely home with me.

I will try to chill out in future, this is all very new to me and still very raw from the break-up.

STIDW Tue 25-Oct-11 17:35:10

Chin up, we appreciate how hard it is. smile

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