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about to separate and need tips re birthdays and xmas

(19 Posts)
mrsworsinger Tue 18-Oct-11 20:47:39

DH will be moving out mid november and has asked that he has the DCs over Christmas which would include little girls second birthday - obv this does not sit well with me but do not know how to best suggest we come to agreement over birthdays and special days any suggestions gratefully received.

brehon Tue 18-Oct-11 21:55:19

I think, if it's any help, most couples who can come to an agreement usually sort christmas out by each parent having DCs every other christmas. Regarding your DD birthday. If things are reasonably amicable, would you be able to spend the day together as a 'family' or have a special tea party, failing that, maybe 2 birthday treats one with him and one with you. She is only 2 but maybe you can sort things for the future. It's still very early days yet. I hope you can work it out. Good luck smile

ChocHobNob Tue 18-Oct-11 21:56:44

The norm seems to be either alternating years, so Mum has them one year, Dad the next ... or sharing the day in someway so the child spends some time with both parents on the special occasion.

Daisy1986 Tue 18-Oct-11 22:27:43

I think that as its going to be a very traumatic time as your DH will be moving out into new accomodation that it would be better for them to be at the FMR this first year as christmas is overwhelming for young children at the best of times particularly if your DCs havent stayed there overnight before and start alternating christmas with him next year. Is DDs birthday on Christmas day or just close to it? Perhaps he could have her that day and you have them for christmas.

As Breton says if you can spend part of the day together that would be great perhaps invite him over for christmas dinner/Lunch or after and let them play while you have a couple of hours to chill out in front of the TV or whatever if you have one in another section of the house.

Special days haven't been brought up be my DDs dad yet. I personally think that splinting Christmas isn't the way I would like to go although I would miss her on my year. I think it would be nice to spend the whole day relaxing playing with whatever toys she got, seeing extended family etc not being carted around back and forth only having a little time to play with toys or having to rush dinner etc. I would prefer to have her over New Years or whenever and throw another Christmas with all the trimmings for her then.

GossipWitch Tue 18-Oct-11 22:32:48

We break up the day, one year I'll have ds on xmas eve and xmas dinner, and he has him the rest of xmas day and boxing day, and then vice versa it works out well for us.

hairylights Wed 19-Oct-11 06:42:08

We used to have dsd on Xmas afternoon and night. She'd have the morning and Xmas dinner with her mums side and the afternoon and evening with us.

Purpleroses Wed 19-Oct-11 08:11:39

Would try suggesting you have them this year, and he has them next and see what he says. I always have mine on Christmas (ex has no interest in doing so) but we also have a "mini Christmas" where they get to exchange presents with their Dad and have their choice of special meal. There's always boxing day too, which one of you could have. It probably won't feel the same to you, but they may be very happy to have two Christmases - or at least some sort of celebration with each of you. If you do have them for Christmas, personally think that spending Christmas in the house they're used to only without their Dad may be tough on you all - I went down to my sister's the first year which was definitely the best thing to do. If he does have them, you'll need to find something for yourself to do or you could feel rather low without them - best is probably if you've got some (possibly childless) friends or family to spend it with, or do something completely different from normal.

scotchmeg Thu 20-Oct-11 12:36:46

I think seeing as it the the first one it would be good if you could keep your children's Christmas as near to normal as possible. If you are the main carer (i.e. work less hours etc.) then it seems a bit cruel for them to spend all of Christmas away from you, and birthday.

We work it out that each year we alternate Xmas eve and Christmas morning with Christmas day lunch and afternoon and boxing day. That way we both get the children at some point during the day to open presents together etc and the children can spend time with both families too.

I couldn't bear to not have my DD at all over Christmas. In fact the thought of it is stinging my eyes. Letting her go at lunchtime or having to wait until lunch time for her to arrive is bad enough!

Any way, that's how it works for us. But it only does so because we live relatively close.

origamirose Thu 20-Oct-11 17:31:32

We have a less than conventional situation but it works for the children (and I think that's the main thing). We are lucky enough to live close to my DPs children. For the past 4 years, on xmas morning he goes round to his children's house at about 10:30 and stays until about 4:00. This means that gifts are exchanged and dinner is eaten (often with extended family too). I don't think it's easy for my DP or for his ex but both of them do it for the children. Afterall, it's only a few hours.
Last xmas I asked one of the children (age 9) what was the best thing about xmas day and she said 'having everyone together at lunchtime'.
On birthdays there is usually a birthday tea for DP, his ex and the children.
It's not for everyone but it works well for my DP and his kids.

scotchmeg Fri 21-Oct-11 09:07:50

origami what do you do when he's gone all day? You're a better woman than me.

CardyMow Sat 22-Oct-11 00:58:02

Birthdays we split the actual day with DS1. Whoever has him the night before has him until 1pm, when he is dropped off at the other parent's house, so that we both get to see DS1 on his birthday. Christmas we alternate, this year, DS1 will spend Christmas eve and Christmas Day with his dad, then he will be dropped to me at 6.30pm on Christmas day to be here for Boxing day. Next year it will be the same in reverse.

oliviasmama Sun 23-Oct-11 07:10:57

respect for origami.....a better woman than me too smile

origamirose Sun 23-Oct-11 11:55:22

You ladies are too kind... I have to say that (sad as it is) I enjoy xmas day a whole lot more than DP does.

We have a yummy breakfast together - cooked by him. Then he goes out and I
get comfy in front of the TV - this year I will watch the whole of Downton Abbey as I haven't seen a single episode and hear it's good. I'll have nibbles and wine by my side (if I'm feeling particularly active I will start the traditional xmas jigsaw! sad I know).

Then, when DP gets back and I'm mildly tipsy we open the nice wine and he cooks me dinner - more than likely one of those yummy Charlie Bigham pies from Waitrose. We then crack on with the jigsaw like the sad old gits that we are!

So thank you for being kind - my lonely xmas is in fact a guilty pleasure!

scotchmeg Sun 23-Oct-11 14:17:03

I'm pleased to hear that you enjoy it origami.

oliviasmama Sun 23-Oct-11 21:09:55

that sounds absolutely wonderful Origami....and your a good girl for making sure your DP's children are happy. Good on you smile

singlevillagemum Tue 25-Oct-11 12:02:06

We go halves on Xmas, I have DS Xmas eve and Xmas morning [he likes to do his Church group's nativity show on xmas eve and ex is non-religious]. Then at lunchtime [or whatever time ex finally get's up - last year I think it was about 5.30pm] he collects and has him Xmas afternoon and boxing day.

I have NYE & NYD because ex likes to go clubbing.

As for birthday - I deal with the party on the nearest weekend and ex is invited [although last year was an hour late to the soft play centre], but for the actual birthday itself, it depends on whose 'day' it falls on, his 6th will be on a Thursday so he'll spend it with me, although ex might drop round to say happy birthday and deliver a card. If it fell on a w/e he would probably spend it with his father.

It works well, BUT it has taken us nearly 3 years to get to this point, so don't worry if it doesn't sort itself out immediately.

scotchmeg Tue 25-Oct-11 14:08:17

We also have all New Year's eve and new years day every year both for my own DD and my DSD because mine and DH's ex's would prefer to go out clubbing.
I like to tuck them in and wish them a happy new year.

But if for whatever reason the others decidied they did want to kids, I guess we'd share them.

sparkleshine Tue 25-Oct-11 23:26:24

This is also my first Christmas as a singleton in 10yrs. I live with my parents so have company.

We have decided that DS is spending the day with me (if I get the day off work).
Ex will come to see him in the morning for a bit. His girlfriend is going to church so he has some free time to visit our child shock angry , then he is spending the day with her family and not even bothering to see his own. Its going to be up to me to take DS to see his parents so they can see their grandchild. I don't mind though, his parents are great and have invited me to stay for tea as well.

Sorry for going off tangent. I'm just so angry at him.

It's DS birthday in Dec and I have no idea what is happening yet.

workshy Tue 25-Oct-11 23:38:26

my ex will have the kids on christmas day over my dead body

he ruined the last 2 we were a family by either changing the plans at the last minute so we didn't even get a christmas dinner, or staying in bed all day because he was too stressed to get up!

this will be our second christmas appart and he hasn't asked for them

birthdays if they are at the weekend then whoever's weekend it is has them, if it is a school day then he picks them up from school and takes them out for tea and I will make the weekend nearest when they have their party, their home birthday

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