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Sorry.... a Christmas one

(4 Posts)

ExP is being an arse about contact - I have a previous thread about it on this board.

I am trying to set up a regular contact routine - little and often. DS is only 10 months old and has not faired well over the last couple of months with ExP's sporadic contact at times when it fits in with his social life!

Anyway, I have taken some legal advice and am drawing up a letter which talks through when DS will be available for contact - working round my work, DS's childcare arrangements, DS's activities and his medical appts. I did ask ExP to discuss this with me prior to setting my work days so this could be mutually convenient but so far he has refused to discuss it and then accuses me of making it difficult for him to see DS and threatens court.

Anyway, we had agreed that for Xmas he would have DS on boking day afternoon. He works shifts and is working nights the week before xmas with his last shift on xmas day night.

So anyway he has decided to change his mind (a recurring theme - just as we seem to meet an agreement he changes his mind!). He has asked to have DS sometime during the day on xmas day.

Now both my mother and Nan were unwell and in hospital last xmas, and my sis has a 6mo DD so we have been planning to make this xmas a big special celebration including the kids (hence the early discussion with XP about this).

So...... we have made arrangements with the extended family already, which means the day is pretty packed. Would I be totally awful if I told XP he could see DS at my house so it enables us to fit it in the day without it having to mess everyone else around???

Sorry that was so long. Didn't want to drip feed.

WhoWhoWhoWho Tue 18-Oct-11 13:31:00

I would say he is welcome to come and visit DS on the day if he wants to along with other relatives if you feel you would all be able to be civil and polite. Explain you have already made arrangements since you last spoke and agreed on xmas arrangements.

I read your other thread but didn't post - I think you are doing the right thing offering certain days, he is messing you and your little DS about!

For xmas I have the same routine every year with my ex, it saves arguments every year and means DS knows what will be happening too. Our arrangement is that ex picks DS up from mine at tea time xmas day, and brings him back around lunch time on boxing day. It doesn't matter when, but it does matter that it is arranged and kept to.

For birthdays ex is invited around along with the rest of the family (mine and his) for a bit of food and cake. If anyone were to be impolite they would be asked to leave.

I remember from your other shift your ex could ask for family friendly hours but hasn't, he could be having set regular contact and he is choosing not to.

Thanks WhoWho.

I personally think we all can be polite and civil. EXP has previously refused to see DS at home because he thinks it would be 'too awkward'.

I'm just so reluctant to change the plans of 12 other people so we can fit in because XP has changed his mind. To be honest I don't think he will be in much of a mood to play with him given he will have worked the previous 6 nights on 12 hour shifts and will have to do another one that night.

I like your arrangement. I think I might suggest that for future years.

WhoWhoWhoWho Tue 18-Oct-11 17:46:45

I wouldn't be reluctant, I'd be completely against even considering changing everyone else's plans! Just tell him you have already arranged things since you previously made an agreement on what would happen but he is welcome to pop round as well as seeing him as arranged. I bet he finds he's knackered and cancels TBH, or just pops for a short while.

I like our xmas arrangements as I know I would be devastated at not being able to see DS on xmas day, so this seems like a nice compromise. Ex already did these timings with his two older boys while we were together too so it made sense.

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