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Lonely

(13 Posts)
AmIthatbad Sat 15-Oct-11 01:13:40

Am almost scared to post, because I feel so ashamed, but......have read loads of great threads tonight and it just hits home how alone I am.

And I know there are loads more of us in the same position, but I just hate this.

Was thinking, when reading posts, about how nice it would be to just have someone there. I'm not looking for much, just a wee hug, an arm around me, or something like that. God help me if I will never get this again. And to all those that post about just getting out there and letting men know you are available, I really have to say......how. if only it were that easy. And I have tried the internet, but only attract a very small number of men, who are all decades older.

Sorry, just feeling very self-pitying tonight. Am still not at the stage where I am happy being single. In fact, I hate it

pinkyp Sat 15-Oct-11 01:16:24

Sending you a virtual hug, we all need a hug sometimes I agree
smile most of my friends meet ppl at work, clubs, drinking, through friends etc

AmIthatbad Sat 15-Oct-11 01:32:25

pinkyp Thank you

onwardandupwards Sat 15-Oct-11 01:33:43

have been single for 5 yrs now. it is lonely but i try to focus on the positive things about being single. i to have only attracted older men or total weirdos!!

JustForThisOne Sat 15-Oct-11 01:52:59

quite simply...it sucks
I can focus as much as I want on the positive...
but I liked all the rest of my life..........I miss it, and why not?
I want some one to love me not because I am their mum!

JustForThisOne Sat 15-Oct-11 01:53:59

AmIthatBad... I'm with you :-) I hate it too

onwardandupwards Sat 15-Oct-11 02:10:23

yeah its shit being alone, i dont get how people just meet someone.

gillybean2 Sat 15-Oct-11 07:12:59

OP how old are your dc? Do you ever get a break (ie they go to their dad's)? Do you have someone who can babysit? If the answer to those last two is no (as it is for me) then it is very hard, until they get older. Even harder still if you are on a limited budget with no money to spare for fun/luxuries/sitters

For me I've simply found over the years that doing things for ds and myself to enjoy is the way to go and if we meet people along the way then great. But I gave up long ago trying to put myself out there or looking for a man.

ds is now 12 and I've only just started to turn the corner of getting out there a bit. And to do that I've joined a local lone parents group (4 years ago) that has a monthly meeting at which ds is welcome. Through that I've met a couple of nice people who we see more often and lots of people we see at the monthly meeting and other social stuff between who are in the same boat as me and understand the difficulties. ds also gets to meet other children in lone parent families so realises he's not the only one.

I went on a local MN meet up. Ok so it was just me and the organiser but if I hadn't of gone would she have bothered making the effort to organise another... Hopefully a few more people will make the next.

I have been away on lone parent holidays where I have met other lone parents who I now keep in touch with via email - a couple of who we are meeting up with in half term and going on an xmas party weekend with in November. One of those lone parents I first met here on MN and we met up a couple of times and then booked to go on holiday together with our dc!
Would add that it's only got to this point after being away a few times on lone parent holidays. Like everything you're not going to find like minded people right away but you will find some eventually.

I was chatting to one of the mum's at school yesterday and saying how we were going away on a xmas party weekend and that we also have a xmas party with the lone parent group coming up. She was saying how lovely to have a social life. And I though, you know she's right, I do have a social life of now!

Now this lady I was chatting to is a married lady with, as it seems to me, loads of friends to call on. So I thought right I'm going to text her and find out which evenings she isn't working and then invite her along with some other ladies I know from PTA, lone parent group, vague friend types who I've tried to organise things with before and nothing has come of it. So I'm going to book a table and ask them to join me and to bring a lovely lady friend if they know anyone else who would like to join us. Hopefully at least 1 person will turn up and join me... And any that can't make it I'm going to tell not to worry as I'm going to try and organise another in December! Because if I don't make the effort then who is going to for me...?

So when people say 'get out there' I think now that perhaps what they meant was be proactive.
I will add it's taken me 12 years to get this far, an increase in my work hours which means I have a little bit more money, ds being a bit more independant, as well as a fair few knock backs over the years.

When I have a bit more money to spare, and can leave ds on his own for an evening, I plan on joining spice

So don't expect miracles overnight. But if you stop looking for a partner and start off by finding a circle of friends and some kind of social interaction then maybe you'll realise that being happy matters more, and that you're not the only lonely person out there.

And once you feel happier in your own life, being on your own but less like billy no mates... then who knows...!

MarshalMum Sat 15-Oct-11 17:48:08

I've been doing this on my own for 6 years now, and for 5 years I have felt fine about being a single parent. I have my own circle of friends, I work during school hours, I go to a dog agility class once a week - not exactly Ibiza but I've outgrown that now! - so I do get out on my own. I am happy with my life, where I am and where I'm going, I'm hugely proud of the balanced happy young man I'm raising.

So why then have I spent the last 12 months ish feeling incredibly lonely? I really feel where your'e coming from hon.

I do the socializing, and I'm lucky enough to have my mum close by to take care of my fella if I want to go to the pub/cinema occasionally, which I do.
But it's no substitute for having someone put their arm around you on the sofa in the evening's or offer to make you a cuppa. The worst bit for me is going to bed alone. I've done it for years with no regrets at all, it's been great to have a double bed and electric blanket to myself! But recently it's been really painful to know that there's nobody waiting for me.

Sorry if I'm getting depressing! I just know how it can hurt. You may be alone, but your'e not on your'e own. There are plenty of single parents here, even if it's just for a chat, it can help to know your'e not the only one.

Much love x

AmIthatbad Sat 15-Oct-11 20:54:01

Wow, thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. Was feeling very, very low last night for some reason. My DD is 12 and has SN, which means that babysitter opportunties are quite limited, but I do have a relatively decent social life. Even together, we go to a couple of SN groups/clubs and meet others, but invariably they have lots of couples, which sometimes makes me feel a bit "odd woman out", and when DD is being looked after usually by her GPs (as my ExP is so disinterested in her and sees her so seldom that it breaks my heart)I do go out, possibly once every couple of months. And I am away to start again with a quiz league, that I used to play in, but gave up for a few years to concentrate on DD. I also work FT, so I do go out and do things, and I haven't been actively looking for a man, being very aware of the fact that people think that you will meet someone when you're not looking!!! The sad fact is that I don't even attract a first glance, let alone a second. No-one seems interested, and now that I am in my 40s, it's like I am invisible. And i do appreciate all the good bits about being a LP, but would at least like someone to share part of my life. ExP was a prat, but at least there was never any issue with getting dropped off for nights out - now I have to pack bags, drive DD to GPs, take car home, then walk to local bus stop, bus into town, etc, etc - and if I fancied a lie in, he would get up to see to the baby. Plus household chores were shared. Now they may not have been equally shared, but at least I didn't have to do absolutely everything. Anyway, it's lovely to have MN to come on and vent. Not feeling so bad tonight, but it's early yet smile

humptydidit Sun 16-Oct-11 12:26:37

amIthat I think we can all identify with you.

It's so hard, without the complications of babysitters and limited funds, there's still the brick wall stumbling block of actually meeting somebody!!!

I joined a couple of dating websites for a bit of a laugh but it was just depressing when I read other profiles, which I realise are probably mostly made up, but even so, how could I, 3 kids, single, living on benefits, size 16/18, average looking compare with no kids, high paid job, lovely house/car/whatever, size 8, model looking type who enjoys clubbing, ibiza and trekking the himalayas????

I'm sorry to say I only got 2 messages both from chancers with names like "bigblackboy" saying "alright gorgeous".... Talk about desparate times!!!

I have been introduced by a friend to her neighbour and seeing where that goes... Funny part is tho, that he is a single dad with 2 kids with him full time and he said all the same stuff that I just said! So I think that there must be loads of men and women in the same boat here, but it's just a case of meeting them.

We are still at the chatting stage, and I am aching worse than ever for a big of physical action, not necessarily getting my leg over, just a snuggle. Actually what was a dull ache is now getting worse each day as I hope it might actually happen.

Hang on in there, as a wise woman said, your time will come and when it does it will be worth every second that you waited for it... in other words, the longer you wait, the more it will be worth it... Well here's hoping anyway!!!

xx

toptramp Sun 16-Oct-11 17:46:42

Just thank your lucky stars that your not with an abusive arsehole or a cheater. Read the relationship threads on here; they are normally enough to make me see that the grass isn't always greener (although sadly they also make me cynical).

teahouse Tue 18-Oct-11 20:08:21

I've been a lone parent for over a decade and not really had much of a relationship for 6 years or more.

I'm not sure what has happened recently but I have really accepted my single status recently (gone all middle-aged I guess). I do miss being wanted by someone, being cuddled and having someone to moan to. But there is plenty I don't miss and I'm not convinced I'd give up what I have for just anyone - and there plenty of just-anyones out there.

I'm working on a social life (go to the pub with work colleagues occasionally but that's about it currently), and agree with GB2 - being happy is more important than being with someone and there really isn't much worse than being in an unfulfilling relationship.

I do feel for you - it's taken me 11 years to get to this point, and I have gone through a lot of mental self-abuse in that time, but being alone doesn't mean you aren't good enough - work on sorting yourself out to be content as you are and then, yes...who knows

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