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Taking back control of my life!

(6 Posts)
NotaDisneyMum Mon 10-Oct-11 09:34:17

I need some MN support today - I've spent the whole weekend soul searching and have decided to take my life back.

Despite being incredibly reasonable since exH and I separated, he has always taken that for grated an pushed for more and more. We have a 50:50 care arrangement, no Child Support payments, I claim CB and he gets the WFTC, I've always agreed to his requests for extra time etc etc etc.

But, this weekend was the final straw. After we disagreed about an issue involving DD, exH stated that he would withhold information about arrangements for her that I had asked for, until I did what he wanted me to. I finally realised just how much I have been letting DD down; instead of standing up to exH when he gets pushy, I have withdrawn and left him to make all the decisions and take the lead.

No more. I will no longer "go the extra mile" for him; I will ensure that I play an equal role in DD life and I will show her that bullies don't get what they want.

CardyMow Mon 10-Oct-11 14:40:26

If you claim the CB, yet he gets the WFTC and, obviously, the CTC - he is committing fraud, technically - it is meant to be paid to whoever receives the CB. He is not allowed to 'withold' information - you can go directly to the source and request that information as you both have PR.

You definately need to set some boundaries - I could maybe advise you better on how to get around him trying to 'withold' information from you if you tell me what sort of area it is - is it about your DD at Nursery / school, something medical, or her general day-to-day stuff.

And no, do not 'withdraw' and let him take the lead - you should be EQUAL parents to your DD, and he should not give you ultimatums about what he won't do unless you do what he wants!

Whatever he is trying to withold - go direct to the source, explain that your ex is refusing to give you the information, you have a legal right to this information as you have Parental Responsibility too, and they (legally) have to tell you, or inform you in writing.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 10-Oct-11 20:17:33

The CTC thing is all above board - I had to sign to say I agreed, but at the time it made sense as his household (not individual) income was lower than mine. When I was made redundant and sent him an email asking if we could revisit it, he ignored me - but I can go ahead with a new application without his agreement, because I get CB.

The source of the info is him; he wants DD to go to the secondary school in his area and I asked whether he would explain his plans for her transport/after school arrangements so I could consider the option in light of that. That school is 20 mins walk from his home; He lives 1/2 hour drive away from me (and DDs current school) but works nearby so at the moment DD comes to me after school every afternoon and on his weeks he picks her up on the way home from work.
I wanted to know if he planned on DD being home alone after school or taking a bus journey every afternoon after school to meet him at work (by the time she got here it would be time to go again!) He will only tell me if I agree to talk to him on his schedule - preferably face to face, but if not, he'll accept a telephone call.

It doesn't actually matter; if he won't tell me, I'll just put the local school down on the form; but it was the last straw in terms if him pushing me around - I WILL be an equal in DDs life.

Tyr Mon 10-Oct-11 20:26:11

It is completely unreasonable to withold that information from you but it would be a shame if you cannot resolve it, considering that you have agreed on so much else. Does your daughter have a preference of school and which is the better academically etc?
Is there a family member or mutual acquaintance that could act as an intermediary?

CardyMow Mon 10-Oct-11 21:43:54

YOU get to fill the form in - I remember another thread by you now! You have the form, the application goes on the Child Benefit recipient's address, DON'T be swayed by him - do what is best for your DD, and that includes not making her travel awful when she is at your house.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 10-Oct-11 22:36:17

Tyr - that's the point though, it's only been amicable because I've backed down rather than stood up for my own opinions - ironic when one of the reasons are marriage ended was because I became a far more confident, assertive woman that he disliked!
The agreement between us in the past hasn't been reached through compromise on both sides, it's been reached through him demanding his way and me giving in!

No more!

I'm finding it is helping me remain determined by changing the way I think about the care arrangement for DD - rather than thinking of it as 50:50 care, I now consider that she lives with me (she comes here every afternoon after school) and spends 7 consecutive nights and EOW with her Dad, fitting around his work commitments.

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