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am i nuts to want to contact the father??

(14 Posts)
loopiloo Sun 09-Oct-11 21:39:47

Hiya all,
I haven't posted for a bit, but wondered if you could give me some opinions. This is kind of going round and around in my head! i had my ds just over a year ago - he's an amazing bundle and i love being his mum. His dad and i were - to put it bluntly not in a long term relationship, we were both in the midst of relocating to other parts of the country for work, and when i found out i was preg i asked what he wanted? he was v honest and said he didn't think he could be involved as he didn't plan on being in the country. so long story short it was my decision to have ds (not a single second of regret), and i've never asked for anything from his father. i did contact him to ask some medical q's but he's never contacted me (i have however changed my mobile since then). he keeps popping into my head and i don't know if it's just me or should i contact him and give him chance to know the little one. i don't want any finances from him - so he doesn't need to worry (i work pt time and it's a bit tight but i do manage and it will get easier as he gets older).

i can't figure out why i want to contact him - because logically if he wanted to know then he would come and look for us even though i have moved and changed fone, but a part of me keeps thinking 'maybe i should give contact him?'. to put it short - would i just be humiliating myself yet again by contacting him ?? i did contact him after ds was born, but he didn't reply so i left it at that

any help cheerfully taken, even if it's a good slap around the chops to tell me to stop dithering about this and just let sleeping dogs lie ! smile

Daisy1986 Sun 09-Oct-11 22:38:37

You probably keep thinking of contacting him because your DS will start asking questions soon, or maybe because he has just had a birthday and it would have been nice for the other parent to have registered something so important to their child.

I would say leave sleeping dogs lie, you gave him a chances to be involved and he wasn't interested. He could probably find you through facebook or friends you have in common if and when he changes his mind. He may well just be scared witless as we all are and by not communicating with you is his way of pretending it never happened.

Financially it is your childs is entitled to be supported by both parents so you could go through the csa for support and put it into a savings account for LO if you don't want the money. It is part of your LO basic Human Rights to be provided for financially by both parents.

loopiloo Mon 10-Oct-11 10:04:14

cheers for the reply. smile

yeah - i guess i know deep down it's best to let sleeping dogs lie and at the end of the day neither of us are teenagers (late 20s both), so his reaction is indicative of the kind of man he is. so i just need to remind myself that it's his choice, he never even asked his name when i let him know of ds birth, and although there has never been any animosity there has never been any positive from him. you are spot on - i think he wants to pretend we don't exist.

re: the csa, it's a valid point, but the father doesn't work in the Uk and csa have no governance where he is, he also moves from country to country lots with work, so the legal route wouldn't be worth it.

i love being a mum and i have friends who ar both lp and in couples nad i really see it's not who is not there but that the people who are present are loving, caring and consistent that makes the difference, so - that and providing the best that i can is the way forward fro me.

thanks again - i know this isn't dire as some peoples situs are, but it has been going round and round - so cheers smile x

Daisy1986 Mon 10-Oct-11 22:27:33

Well it was similar to my situation apart from I let him know and tried to get him involved through pregnancy and after, he wasn't interested and then when my DD was 9months old moved to my area wanting her 3 days a week with overnights but refused to pay any maintenance. As far as he was concerned she was half his so he could come and have her half the time and has caused nothing but problems. You just have to be prepared with how you'll deal with with it if he decides to come swanning back in when his ready.

Just enjoy being a mummy and when your DS starts asking questions just say his dad wasnt ready to be a parent yet but you were and love looking after him.

Loobyloo1902 Mon 10-Oct-11 23:52:07

Similar to my situation and I agree with the advice above. I feel for you though, it's painful and difficult to understand how the father can not want to know this amazing child you have.

My coupled up friends have not infrequently, quietly expressed a little jealousy that I get my daughter all to myself. Then I remember all the good things about being on my own and thank my lucky stars that all the smiles are mine, the hugs and the kisses.

You have opened the door for him and he can let himself in if/when he's ready. By then you'll no doubt have found a super step daddy who will knock spots off the baby father.

girliefriend Tue 11-Oct-11 20:12:52

hello Im in similiar situation and often think about trying to make contact with dds dad (she is now 5yo) I found him on facebook about a year ago and messaged him, kept it really simple just if he wanted contact I would be happy to talk about it and got no reply - infact he blocked his profile page from view and has made it impossible to find him. Its sad really and I really struggle with the fact that he can just ignore us and pretend we don't exist sad

It has got harder as dd gets older as she would love to have a daddy and has to put up with a lot of her friends asking her 'where is your daddy?'

MeMySonAndI Wed 12-Oct-11 16:49:36

An uninterested dad is no better than no dad at all. If you think that having the guy not showing interest to your offers of contact is bad, wait until you have to deal with the heartbreak of your children when dady is mean or keeps failing to appear for agreed contact.

Let the dogs lie, until they are ready (if they are)

loopiloo Wed 12-Oct-11 21:33:42

thanks all- soo much !! smile

it's times like this that this forum really is a god send!!

all your advice is spot on, and perhaps it was the full moon talking - he he he - but i really do get what you are all saying. it may be alien to me that anyone could not want to know my wonderful ds, but that is just the way it is. i can't force someone to be a good person because i want them to be , i learned this a loong time ago and should know better i guess.

i reminded myself that it is better to just have loving positive influences in his life and not someone who is half interested, and the bit about telling him that he wasnt' ready to be a parent but that i was is fantastic (when he gets older and asks re his father), so spot on for me. i will keep it simple as possible and i was brought up to believe in what you have, not what you don't have.

also, more than anything, you guys replies helped to remind me that i'm not alone, that there are probably thousands if not millions of women around the world in the same position, and have probably been since the year dot smile

i seem to have laid this to rest, and no doubt it may pop into my head over the years, buti just need to remind myself of the replies and to not focus what if's but to enjoy the hugs and life in general.

thank you all again xx smile

girliefriend Wed 12-Oct-11 22:08:14

I think its important to feel like you have done everything you could to encourage contact as we will have some difficult questions to answer as dc get older, I am also wondering about putting together some sort of 'daddy book' with all the bits of info I have about him in so dd has something. It is hard not having any contact at all but sadly you can't force someone to be something they are not or can't be.

solidgoldbrass Thu 13-Oct-11 01:24:46

Are you absolutely sure that this man has recieved your messages and is ignoring them? If so, probably best leave it for the moment. If it is possible or likely that your communications are not getting through, it's worth making a determined effort to track him down just in case he is interested, but be prepared for the fact that he might not want to know, no matter what.

girliefriend Thu 13-Oct-11 11:10:49

Thinking about it I feel like periodically I need to keep tryng just incase there is a chance he changes his mind, so every 2 years or so I will try and make contact.

MeMySonAndI Thu 13-Oct-11 12:43:51

I have my doubts about the daddy book... in a way, I think that it is essentila that all information you know/remember about the dad is kept in a safe place in case your child wants to trace him when she is older or if there are any medical emergencies (not like a visit to A&E but more like finding about family medical history if at some point it becomes necessary)

But having a book full of nice things to show the child may get the children to idealise the figure of a dad who, in all honesty, doesn't deserve to be idealised. He abandoned a child. It just make things more difficult for the children.

MeMySonAndI Thu 13-Oct-11 12:44:35

Now, if dad was nice, interested, moved away and longing for more contact with his children, then yes, by all means, have a daddy book.

STIDW Thu 13-Oct-11 13:23:03

Trying to keep in touch and a daddy book are very good ideas. It's very important for children's mental health to grow up with a sense of their identity and know about both parents and their heritage.

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