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sorry, realise it's been done a thousand times, but when to introduce kids to new dp?

(14 Posts)
humptydidit Sat 08-Oct-11 08:00:41

Am feeling a bit confused. Until recently I always said that I would wait months and months before introducing my kids to any new partner of mine, but now that I actually have a new partner, I'm wondering....

New man has 2 kids who live with him 100% of the time and my kids live 100% with me.

New man is proposing taking kids out to park together next weekend in a casual way and getting some lunch... I guess I would introduce him as a friend and his kids the same.

I have read threads on here about ladies who spend time with their partners while kids are with their ex and it's great, but it's just not an option at all in my situation.

OMG, am so confused.... Still stuck in the mindset of you can hurt me but god forbid you mess my kids about, after years of an abusive relationship where my instinct was to protect them from their father.

Wonder if I;m blowing this all out of proportion? I'm talking about a day out in the park with a friend with their kids, not having new man move in or stay the night????

Help/advise please!!!

hairylights Sat 08-Oct-11 08:50:59

How d are your children and how long have you been with your new partner?

My comment would be that children pick up on all sorts - including when you aren't telling the while truth - and Rhiannon isn't just a friend. You run the risk if emotionally confusing your kids.

hairylights Sat 08-Oct-11 08:51:57

Blooming iPhone sad rhiannon was meant to be "this"!

weevilswobble Sat 08-Oct-11 09:19:30

If hes right for you hes right for your kids. Is he right for you? Its easier if he has his kids all the time because sometimes dads who have their kids just every other weekend resent that you have yours all the time. Iyswim
The park sound great idea, friends sounds good. I think you've already got it sussed. He sounds lovely too. Good luck.

humptydidit Sat 08-Oct-11 10:33:29

not known him v long, so probably jumping the gun a bit!!

I agree, if he's right for me then he is right for the kids, but I guess I am interested to see how he is around kids...

His kids are 14 and 10 and probably have a pretty good idea of what's going on, they know we chat on the phone lots and that we have met up.

My kids are younger, 6 and 5 and 1. They have commented that I seem very happy and smily at the moment, but I mostly speak to him when they are in bed, so they don't know about "him" specifically, but like you said, they know something is going on!

I think the park idea will be a good one when the time is right and take it from there. I am aware, that I don't want to introduce my kids to somebody and then it all goes sour and they never see him again... But on the plus side, he is very cautious that way too.

Guess I will just have to wait and see how it feels.

It's hard tho cos I am so very very very cautious after such crap I went thru in the past, but he understands that.

Ooooerrrr, it's all very exciting, I feel like a teenager again grin

hairylights Sat 08-Oct-11 13:58:36

"I agree, if he's right for me then he is right for the kids.. "

Terribly irresponsible and rose-tinted viewpoint.

Plus, if it's early days you are possibly looking at it rose-tinted as you are in the exciting romantic phase, not the practical sensible one.

MeMySonAndI Sat 08-Oct-11 14:03:16

I think his idea is good, just go somewhere together and pretend you are not together. That the children will pick up on it is certainly a possibility but that is also a way to find out how you all get along in a "family" situation.

I am of the idea of not introducing the children at all if you are not sure the relationship is one to last, but I also disagree with the idea of not introducing the children until things are quite advanced, if my child and new partner are going to be incompatible (or our parenting styles), I'll rather know that before I get too attached.

BertieBotts Sat 08-Oct-11 14:13:50

I think it's wise to leave it a few months at least, preferably 6 months or so. Just because any serious character flaws ought to have come out in that time.

MeMySonAndI Sat 08-Oct-11 14:19:12

I had a partner once who was absolutely adorable, the one I wanted to marry... damn, didn't realise he had a victorian upbringing until he had spent quite a good amount with my child... wish I knew sooner, I felt as if I had wasted 2 years of my life... I would say 3 months if you are positive the relationship is the one to keep and you have been seeing each other quite frequently. If you only see him once in a blue moon... it is never too late...

weevilswobble Sat 08-Oct-11 14:34:53

OP, dont apologise that this may have been done a thousand times. You have only been in this situation once and have every right to ask the question when you like!

WibblyBibble Sat 08-Oct-11 22:09:02

I went to mediation and suggested that my ex leave 6 months after they started going out for my daughter to meet his schoolgirl lover (I exaggerate, but only by a couple of years). The mediation woman questioned me repeatedly on this and said that after all children meet new people all the time. I still don't agree with her, and think she was one of those people who make up one rule for men and another for women (bet if it'd been me banging a 20 year old, she'd not have been so 'oh you're irrational' towards him if he didn't want me doing it around the kids), but frankly if my ex can introduce any bint to my kids, then I think once I've decided someone is ok, I will not fuss about trying to keep things seperate since no one else seems to be bothered about it. You need to be able to have normal adult relationships (for your mental health and to model relationships for your children) and if you have the kids full time, you have no option but to introduce them earlier. You also know he's not abusive if he's got his kids around, so that takes a weight off.

WibblyBibble Sat 08-Oct-11 22:12:43

PS, people who say 'kids pick up on everything must have some kids who are way more attuned to adult goings on than mine. I have to actually snog someone in front of my 9-yo to get the whole 'oooh you're in love' mockery which she does if she sees anyone kissing, she sure as hell doesn't realise if I vaguely fancy someone but don't do physical contact in front of her.

weevilswobble Sat 08-Oct-11 22:22:17

Wibbly, you dictate what your ex can and cant do?!

hairylights Sun 09-Oct-11 16:10:09

wibbly you sound so bitter!

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