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stopping my ex seeing my child

(39 Posts)
kelmac Thu 06-Oct-11 15:04:45

Please help me

My ex and myself split up about 7 months ago. We were married for 5 years and seeing each other for at least 9.
we fell pregnant after trying for 5 years and were both very happy. The day of her birth was the happiest day of our lives. She is 21 months old

However, in march this year we split, i believed he wasnt spending enough time with myself and our daughter, but we do not disagree about why we split. I started seeing someone before we split up, nothing happened, but the was there for me and caring while my husband was not. My husband is not aware of this

Obviously when i asked him to leave he was upset, but we agreed to be amicable, we made a private agreement regarding child maintinance and i was happy for him to see our child whenever he wanted.

Until recently this was working out fine, he had her every weekend overnight, and see her whenever he could.
Recently however, the communicatio has broken down between us, and we have had to go through mediation.
At mediation he told me he now only wanted to see our child every other weekend and that was it, no visits or phonecalls inbetween, as he needed his own time and space (he has a new partner now aswell) and that our child is not the centre of his world.
As you can imagine this upset me quite alot, but in mediation i reluctly agreed. However, on thinking about it, he has changed an awful lot, he is more agressive to me when he sees me, and to his parents.
Him saying that our child is not the centre of his universe has made me very angry and concerned, so i spoke to him and have told him now, i do not want him seeing my child.
I am concerned for her safety and welfare when she is with him, due to him saying that she is not the centre of world he obviously has other priorites.

I received a message from him saying he was serving me divorce papers which is the first ive heard of things and that its either every fortnight or not at all, and he will take me to court to do this.
Now i am concerned he will not see her at all, or if he comes to my house he will become agressive towards me.

My daughter doesnt talk about daddy alot, but does mention her grandma a lot(my ex is now living with his parents).
Any suggestions would be greatly apprichated

Thank you

hillyhilly Thu 06-Oct-11 15:09:53

I think your daughter and her father deserve a relationship with each other as neither of them has done anything wrong.
You do not have the right morally or legally to stop him seeing "my child" she is not yours alone.
Try to take a step back and a deep breath and think about how best to work things out like adults for the benefit of you much loved dd..
I do agree that once per fortnight is not enough to build a relationship, but you are both getting angry and petty about it.

MrGin Thu 06-Oct-11 15:33:39

" i do not want him seeing my child"

You need to stop think like this. It's his child too. Just because he says she's not the centre of his universe doesn't equate to any kind of child neglect or abuse.

hillyhilly is right , you need to step back and take a deep breath and act like a reasonable adult. Both of you.

PatriciaHolm Thu 06-Oct-11 15:50:30

It's in your child's best interests to maintain a relationship with a parent she loves/ She doesn't belong to you, she's your ex's child too, and whilst the way he expressed it wasn't good, he still loves her and wants to see her it seems. If he goes to court, it's likely he's be awarded the every-other-weekend he wants; unless there is a lot more to it than you are saying.

canistartagainplease Thu 06-Oct-11 16:10:37

He seems to have all the rights and none of the responsibilities as a father then, and prioritised your dd behind his single/boyfriend lifestyle.
I guess he could be trying to start again and this is how he does it ,but it came out all wrong i think.
You are the full time carer/mother and he is back home being the retrning son to his parents. Theres a lot going on here, and its reasonable to be annoyed about it.
If hes left you after a number of years and serving you with papers then you need toget serious as well. Lay things down in writing with someone on your side, i get the feeling you have been playing along for a quiet life.Maybe you need some definites.
you do indicate that his aggression is an issue (and you need to protect youself).Do you fear intimidation?
How reasonable is grandma?
can she come over to visit at your house and give continuity?or is she going to get caught in the break up cross fire? How much support do you have?

Btw "my child"? You have every right to call your dd my child ,without the speech marks. hmm

corlan Thu 06-Oct-11 16:19:56

I have 2 DD's by 2 different exes - my girls are the centre of my world but they are probably not in the top 3 list of priorities for either father. I have had to come to terms with that and my children will have to come to terms with that as they get older.

However useless I think these men are, I know that my children's lives are better for having relationships with their dads.

Not having a father in her life will damage your daughter. You will be the person that has damaged her if you try to stop her dad seeing her.

It sounds like the break is still raw and you are hitting out at each other using your daughter as a 'pawn'. You don't ever have to see this man again - you could drop your DD off at grandmas's or use a contact centre but don't deny your daughter a relationship with her dad.

rubin Thu 06-Oct-11 16:45:01

It is difficult Kelmac & I feel for you & you obviously care so much for your DD's feelings & well being. But perhaps if you give it some space & try to accept for the moment your Ex's wishes, then after time he will want to develop on that & see his daughter more often.
Unfortunately you can't force your Ex to see her, but at least seeing her regularly once every two weeks is still good & at the very least keeps that relationship she has with grandma.
I suspect you're feeling hurt & raw at the moment, but I have to agree that stopping all contact will worsen things in the long run.

GypsyMoth Thu 06-Oct-11 16:48:30

Well if that gets in front of a judge in court you will be hauled over the courts for contact blocking for those 'reasons'.

GrownUpNow Thu 06-Oct-11 16:55:39

I don't think your reasons are strong enough for stopping contact with your DD's father. Regular twice monthly is actually quite standard contact for many, though it might not feel good enough for you.

I think you need to stop thinking with your heart, which is understandably hurt at this, and think with your head... do you want to be the one to stop contact, how would you justify this to your daughter in years to come if she comes home angry and asks why you stopped her seeing her dad altogether, is this actually in her best interests?

Her father is an equal parent and unless you have serious concerns for her safety (ie risk of abuse or violent behaviour) then he has an equal right and responsibility.

AmberLeaf Thu 06-Oct-11 17:28:12

She is his child too not just yours

As upset as you feel by what he has said, he probably feels as bad if not worse by your ending the marriage and having an affair

You really do not have the moral high ground here so I would pipe down if I were you.

Stopping access would not be the right thing to do for all concerned. You just dont have the right to do that.

GypsyMoth Thu 06-Oct-11 17:49:38

You actually don't have the right to block any access, were you aware of that op?

rubin Thu 06-Oct-11 20:16:50

Good luck with sorting it out kelmac. All legalities aside, it's a difficult process you're going through & an emotional journey. Good luck with it all.

YoFluffy Thu 06-Oct-11 21:14:34

You are divorcing from your ex, your child is not.

Did you watch any of the Long Lost Families documentaries? It was heartbreaking to see so many children (now adults) trying to find their parent after their mum had prevented the father from seeing them. The child is ultimately the loser in this.

I echo everyone above. Your child is not some object that belongs just to you, she has a father too, no matter how inconvenient this may be to you.

Just because he wants to try and rebuild his life after you cheated on him doesn't turn him into some psychopathic monster unable to look after his daughter. Nor does it change because he has a new partner - you have found someone else, he has the right to do so too. Did the new man change your priorities?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I know too many fathers whose ex wives play similar games and it's not just unacceptable, it's cruel.

RedHelenB Fri 07-Oct-11 07:36:34

His new gf wants to be the centre of his life & your daughter will suffer from that BUT it is nothing that you have any control over. My ex didn't see his baby son for a year due to ow insecurities BUT he is his dad & if my kids are free when he asks to see them they go. It is not up to me to make him into a great father, only for myself to be as good a parent as I can be. i am sure your daughter will love him & want to see him but you do need to accept that his priorities will not be the same as yours.

cestlavielife Fri 07-Oct-11 09:37:44

safety and welfare issues do not come from someone saying they want to see child once a fortnight - if that contact is meaningful it is really not a welfare issue.

JeremyVile Fri 07-Oct-11 09:53:33

Well he sounds like an utter pillock.
He's shite for not wanting any contact for 2 weeks at a time, and he's shite for saying she is not the centre of his world. What a loser.

BUT...your daughter has the right to have a relationship with him.

You said that you told him you didnt want him seeing her, then when he said its fortnightly contact or none at all you became 'concerned he will not see her at all', so im assuming you never really meant you didnt want him seeing her? were you hoping to shock him out of his disinterest?

for the sake of your sanity, I think you should give him what he wants. And stick to it, be very business-like and dont allow him to mess you around.

Concentrate on being a great mum to your little girl because she isnt going to get much in the way of meaningful parenting from this tosser. You'll be able to look yourself in the mirror knowing youve done your best and your daughter will grow up knowing this too - she will also, sadly, come to realise her father is a useless weed.

ScaredKittyWitchyKitty Fri 07-Oct-11 12:35:05

OP, you have no right to withhold access and/or use your DD as some kind of weapon against your ex.

The NRP seeing the child overnight once per fortnight is about right (plus half the school hols when she's at school). Think about when she's at school and she's there all day Mon-Fri - would you really want your DD to go to her dad's every weekend? You're both still settling into your new lives and routines, so things may settle down and get more amicable again over time. If he wants to her your DD every fortnight then fine. You should think yourself lucky tbh - my ex has never bothered with my DS and has never even seen him.

Oh, and as an aside, I don't think you have any right to blame your exH for the split - however much time he did or didn't spend with you - when you were the one who had an affair. I feel sorry for him tbh.

Riakin Fri 07-Oct-11 12:39:44

So, you fall into the category of 40-50% of women who stop their partners seeing their child out of spite.

I can't see how either of you are being fair in my opinion. The fact is its both your child.

corlan Fri 07-Oct-11 12:46:18

Where did you get that statistic from Riakin?

Top of your head?

JeremyVile Fri 07-Oct-11 12:47:54

Riakin - where do those figures come from?

I think its clear OP doesnt really wnat to stop him seeing their child, she says as much. But she is reacting (badly perhaps) to this fuckwit saying he wants NOTHING to do with the child in between visits because she is 'not the centre of his world'

I am massively against parents using their child as a weapon, but I reckon I'd struggle not to have the odd vindictive thought against such a nasty shitbag tbh.

AmberLeaf Fri 07-Oct-11 16:52:05

Is he a nasty shitbag or is he a person that is hurt that their spouse had an affair and turne their life upside down?

People say all sorts when they are hurt its human nature.

Daisy1986 Fri 07-Oct-11 19:59:42

It would be worthwhile trying to get on a PIPS Separated Parents course if you go through the courts they will probably send you on one anyway but it would definetly give you a better perspective on how you and your exh are feeling without using your DD as a weapon.

Maintaining some sort of relationship is better then none at all no matter how sparse. Starting again from scratch/using a contact centre etc isnt a route you want o take if you can help it Dads/husbands in the forces or working offshores don't have be much more frequent time with their children.

Riakin Sat 08-Oct-11 20:35:02


Govt Research 2007.

I responded in a thread ages ago complete with all sorts of findings from research.

WibblyBibble Sat 08-Oct-11 21:14:25

Well, once a fortnight is not going to work with a 21-month-old. If he goes to court, the court will also rule this. With younger children, parents need more regular contact because otherwise the child gets attachment issues. It would be all very well if she was 5, but she isn't and, yes, it is fucked up that he says she isn't the most important thing, because that will come out in her future relationships and she may end up having relationships with men who treat her as unimportant because that's what her dad is modelling. However, I think you are being totally unreasonable to try and stop contact altogether- surely a bit is better than nothing and maybe once he is doing some parenting he will realise she is the centre of his world? My ex did, even though he'd been a bit useless in the first place and was absolutely horrible to me. I think you need to give e.g. once or twice weekly contact a try, and see how he changes his mind- toddlers really don't let their parents put them to the side like he wants!

WibblyBibble Sat 08-Oct-11 21:15:38

Also ignore Riakin, he's full of shit and fakes research, there is no research which says anything 'out of spite' happens, because that's not something research can prove. The research is just on total figures, and some/many of those relate to violent men, etc.

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