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ex p said he does not want to see dd....

(15 Posts)
naughtyorouttacontrol Wed 05-Oct-11 17:14:04

My dd is 4years old, exp seems to be trying to use her to get at me. I have been trying so hard not to be horrible to him as I know dd really wants see him. But he keeps letting my dd down when he is meant to see her and is never conistant.

He is also very irritational. He has not seen dd for over a month now. During that time I took her on holiday for one week, but did not consult him before going (I didnt feel the need to consult him, as he does not help me raise her in any way, I do it all alone). The only thing he does do is try to say he has all these rights and should be consulted on all decisions regarding dd even tho he does not take any responisbilty.

Anything I do which makes him feel that he cannot control me he uses as an excuse for not seeing dd.

last week we had a conversation by text as i asked him when would he be able to see dd, he said he feels stressed etc and i said fine, if you need space let me know once you feel better. he then started saying he wants to discuss 'issues' he has with me. ie - me taking her on holiday, me letting her go away for 1 week in england with my mum as i had no one to look after dd while i was at work, and just other things that he hates about me.

I didnt want to have this conversation with him as i feel he tries to brainwash me into believing i am a terrible mother who tries to stop my dd having a relationship with her dad. when i feel the actual truth is that her dad cannot be bothered to fit her into his life and will never be conistant.

Anyway i told him i am not happy to discuss these issues with him, as the only thing we need to discuss is when he sees dd.

He told me he will have dd for the whole weekend this weekend. so i text him today to find out the arrangements and he replied to say there is no point in seeing dd as i am trying to use him as a babysitter as i want him to see her on weekends and not during the week when she is really tired as she has just started school.

So i repiled to say if he really doesnt want to see dd, fine but can he put it in writing to me as that is a massive decision to make, and if thats what he has decided that needs to be final.

Anyway, sorry its so long, but i'm just wondering if i should possibly get legal advice regarding this as he is a crap dad and i feel he is going to damage my dd if this continues long term sad

What is the best way to handle someone like this??

Meglet Wed 05-Oct-11 17:25:34

Oh dear. My xp was like that. He really couldn't handle being a parent, I was always being fair, trying to facilitate contact etc and he would get angry or not turn up. He hated the fact that if he had the kids I could do something like go to the gym or supermarket (get me and my wild lifestyle wink).

In short, we ended up at meditation, he refused to be reasonable and was asked to leave. I then arranged a contact centre and he didn't turn up, twice. He e-mailed to say he'd see the dc's when they're 18.

Some people are crap parents and whatever you do you can't wave a magic wand. Do your best to act in your dd's interests, allow her to see her dad if it's safe but if he continues to piss you both about consider mediation as it might knock some sense into him.

naughtyorouttacontrol Wed 05-Oct-11 17:32:42

wow i cannot believe that he just emailed to say he will see them when they are 18. how old were your dc's at the time?

How did you tell them that they would not be seeing their dad anymore? As my dd keeps asking to see her dad sad

happymenow Wed 05-Oct-11 18:51:06

stay calm and don't let xp get to you - easier said than done. i have someone who threatens this once in a while, has not carried out as yet. but i hate the fact that if i say/do anything to displease this person, that is the threat that is used. it is very upsetting as you don't want your child to be hurt. you want to maintain contact, but also worry if contact is the best option if the xp is capable of being so unreasonable. i do KNOW it's not me though as i have another xp who is very reasonable and we have no problems - helps keep me sane when i'm being called crazy etc, i know now not to get bullied.
hope things get sorted for you, possibly better to get some sort of agreement in place for alternate weekends? i think we might end up there as it will end the childish threats. good luck, hope things get better for you x

Meglet Wed 05-Oct-11 19:12:24

They were 1 and 3 at the time so they know nothing about it. (They're 3 and almost 5 now).

I'm sure they'll be happily traipsing off to see their long-lost dad when they're grown up, he's going to tell them what a crap mum I am apparently.

mamas12 Wed 05-Oct-11 19:52:42

You are doing exactly the right though It's none of his business and he can't muscle in on considered arrangements you have made regarding dds care while she is with you.
Just rep[eat like a broken record when are you going to see dd...
He is an arse

Tyr Wed 05-Oct-11 20:09:50

For a start, he (assuming he has PR) has a right to be consulted. Secondly, did you take her away for a week (without informing him) when he was meant to have contact?
The week when she went away with your mum wouldn't happen to have coincided with contact as well, would it?
Haven't you posted before objecting to letting him see the child during the week? If your DD wants to see him, why aren't you prepared to be flexible about that?
I have a feeling you're not quite telling the full story here. In fact, I'd bet on it.

naughtyorouttacontrol Wed 05-Oct-11 21:25:25

yes he has PR as i happily agreed to him having it. we have a court order in place that states he should see dd on either day of the weekend every weekend. but he never has her on the weekend and recntly only bothers to see dd once a month when he can be bothered to squeeze her into his life.

Tyr - yes i have posted about this before and I wont be flexable on letting him see dd in the week as our court agreement says he should have her on the weekend and he is not consistant with contact, so I do not feel should let him have her in the week just because he cannot be bothered to do as the court order says. He only bothers with my dd when it suits him, then when he cant be bothered dumps her again. And to be frank I dont think I like your accusing tone........... Also I have not said every single thing that has happened as it would take me weeks to type it all out, do you put your whole life story in every single thread you write????

Tyr Wed 05-Oct-11 21:39:25

Well at least you have admitted to being inflexible although you haven't answered the other questions.
He has PR because he is the child's father; the court would have granted it whether you were happy about it or not.
I did look at your other posts and note amongst other things that you were obstructing Xmas contact because he "didn't deserve it."
You also go on quite a bit about maintenance payments. Isn't he self employed? Do the payments fluctuate?
Maintenance and contact aren't linked anyway but aside from that, I suspect you mess him around over contact when you feel you haven't received enough money.
As a general point, it doesn't take much reading between the lines to see that this is all about you, not the child.
It's the truth, isn't it?

naughtyorouttacontrol Wed 05-Oct-11 21:51:44

no its not the truth and no he is not self employed. Can I ask you what exactly is your problem with me? I am on here looking for advice, which it is fine if someone wants to post something that I do not agree with, but you seem to be quite nasty.

I do have a issue with maintenance, but have not told exp that he cannot see dd because of that, as he has only paid money 3 times in the past year, and I have not stopped him from seeing dd, but I have asked him to be consistant and stick to the court order!!!!!!

And as for 'admitted' I am not in fucking court now, and I do not have to answer to you!

Tyr Wed 05-Oct-11 22:01:12

You're right- you don't have to answer to me and I'm sure others will be along to tell you exactly what you want to hear- which is not quite the same as advice.
Since you asked what exactly my problem was I'll tell you (again)- your story is all about you, not the child. And it has more holes in it than a Swiss cheese.

ToothbrushThief Wed 05-Oct-11 22:17:31

Unhelpful tyr - you sound like the exP tbh!

naughty - I've had same issues with an ex and it's about control

I too lack maintenance but want him to have contact with my DC. It's not linked at all but sadly the same type of dad doesn't pay or see their DC.

I tried to be flexible but as far as I flexed, he pushed more. I'm now totally inflexible and my children are settled and happier for it. I'm not just saying that.They are.

ExH could have DC on a flexible agreed schedule. He won't commit to one and thus we make our own plans and if he opts in to seeing his DC on a day when they don't have anything else planned they see him

Tyr Wed 05-Oct-11 22:27:07


Both parents are capable of using children to control and get revenge on the other parent.
You tried to be flexible and accomodate and he wouldn't agree.
That is a different story.

blackeyedsusan Thu 06-Oct-11 07:55:49

meglet, if he wants to convince them you are a crap mum, he needs to see them when they are about..14 they will be very receptive to you being a crap mum then.wink the my mum is crap syndrome might have worn off a bit by the time they are 18!

MrGin Thu 06-Oct-11 12:09:07

OP. The best way to handle it ? What is best for your dd ?

My opinion on the former is that it's best for your dd to know she has two loving parents who are both putting their energies and love into her life. This would also include seeing mummy and daddy, the two people she loves, getting on and managing to communicate about what is best for her, and managing to be flexible in relation to her needs.

Easier said than done.

When people break up they usually carry around large buckets of resentment and feelings of hurt and injustice. And invariably each party blames the other and finds little time to consider their own faults and weakness.

What's the best way to handle your situation ? Well he clearly wants to spend some time with your dd which should be encouraged, but it does sound like you both have some issues that need resolving.

You say you been 'trying hard not to be horrible to him' , well that does kind of suggest that you are horrible to him. And for his part he 'hates' you.

I agree with Tye to a degree. It really does sound like you are both in need of a cessation of hostilities and that involves compromise. It involves lancing the boil of past gripes. It involves biting your tongue big time. Water under the bridge. Fresh start. Doing the best for your daughters future.

You both, IMO, need to have the opportunity to speak without interruption about all those things festering away. You did blah blah blah it made me feel terrible etc etc. And then move on.

You need to get on better. And in order to get there you and he need to start making concessions to each other.

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