My brother died and exh is being horrid

[Boobalina]

One of my brothers died of cancer two days ago. I got a call late (ish) at night from my sister in law lettting me know. I called my ex to let him know and must have woken him up (10pm?) He just wouldnt properly wake up to talk to me and after 2 mins said, look I'm not realy awake and I dont know what you want me to say? So I quickly said, oh fine then and hung up.

The next morning he came to collect DD to take her to nursery as usual and hewas late and was really brusque and cold. He did give me a crap hug and then said he had to go as he was late for work. Then he phoned me later and moaned he couldnt get through on the phone (i had been talking to my relatives) and then asked why I was being al moody. I did say he was a bit cold towards me and wouldnt even stay for more than 2 mins this morning... and then he went ballastic shouting at me... then I get this email saying if he doesnt behave in the 'perfect' way I am impossible to deal with and its always been a problem and I need to stop being so horrible...

Again this morning he was cold and arsey with me....

I am at home today on my own.... I hate him doing this at such a sad time. Its like he doesnt know how to show an genuine empathy and then gets aggressive when you say that hurts your feelings... I know ultimately its because he doesnt give a shit, but as the mother of his kids (who are both really sad their uncle died) it really hurts.

[cestlavielife]

sorry for your loss.

you know, his attitude etc - well that is probably why he is an ex.

dont look to him for comfort or support. not worth it.

look to others.

ignore him as best you can.

[whiteandnerdy]

I may get flamed for this, but I think you've made a mistake and it may help if you appologise to your ExP for this mistake. I'll try to explain.

Your Ex is your Ex therefore you've decided to split but you still have to work together for the sake of your children. You have to give each other the emotional space to move on with your lives, that means that you can't expect emotional support from each other, or at least only expect the kind of support you would expect form say a work colleague.

The expectation of emotional support from your Ex is putting the working relationship that you child requires from you both at risk. It could also be putting stresses on any relationship you or your ExP is having, or to have, with current of future partners.

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but please in this time of wanting emotional support, try and surround yourself with people who feel comfortable and activley want to give you that support you need.

[KatharineClifton]

I am really sorry for your loss. Appalling thing to happen.

I tend to agree with whiteandnerdy, but probably not what you want to hear right now.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, you must be devastated.

Secondly, my first thought upon reading your OP was 'why was her ex the first person she rang to tell?'. Of course he needs to know because your brother's death will affect your children, but a better time to let him know may have been the next time he was picking up/dropping off the kids. Of course you were in shock and upset, and we tend to turn to those who are/have been closest to us at times like that so it's understandable, but it's also understandable that it's a bit out of his remit now he's an ex.

Maybe just explain that it was an instinctive reaction to tell him, apologise for waking him up, and then move on. Don't bring up the other stuff he's going on about because you'll only end up playing email tit for tat. Just explain, apologise, and move on. Least said, soonest mended and all that.

[Boobalina]

mmmm.... I have just left it now. We seperated a year ago and were together for 9 years. Maybe it was a force of habit to tell him? It seemed odd not to tell him. I was surprised by the total lack of empathy. We have had an amicable divorce and work really hard at making it work for the kids etc.

But maybe I do need to draw a line in the sand and not ever rely on him for any type of support. Which makes the whole thing of trying to be friends for the kids really difficult.

[whiteandnerdy]

Hmm, I don't think you need to be as extreme as that, it sounds like you both support each other in the capacity of being a parent with practial things. Therefore keep it working at a pratical level, say if you need time away from the kids to sort out family issues with the solicitors, sorting out praticality of the funeral, just how you would keep it on a business level say with your work. Just keep away from looking for emotional support from an Ex it's really bad news all round in my experiance.

[solidgoldbrass]

Sorry but yet another voice here to say your XP is not the person to turn to for emotional support. Yes it was reasonable to let him know because it will have an effect on the DC, but it wasn't reasonable to wake him up and expect comfort from him. He's your XP. Your relationship with him is now about the children.

Sorry for your loss and I hope there are other people close by who can give you support and comfort. There are plenty of nice folks on the MN bereavement threads if you haven't already tried there.

[KatharineClifton]

My cousin died today, and who was one of the first people I called - my ex. And then I thought of you OP. I hope you are ok.