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Monthly visits of NRP - what would a judge say.

(12 Posts)
DrinkFeckArseGirls Mon 03-Oct-11 17:46:35

EXP sees DD once a calendar month. It was after him deciding that he would not see her at all and me explaining/ arguing that it would be beneficial for her that he came up with this 'compromise'. I find the monthly visits unsatisfactory, it's just such a big deal (right now just for me but I'm suspecting DD might feel similarly about it when she's a bit older), huge built up for several days before and then a huge anti-climax after he's gone 4/ 5 hours later. I told him, if he can't be fucked to see her more often, which would be more beneficial to her and less stressful to me, he can not bother to see her at all just like he originally wanted.

I often read on MN boards, that it is advisable for small children to have shorter but more often contact, than rarely but for longer hours. If he went to court, would he really get a once a month visit. From what I read here I'm under impression that a judge would advise a more regular contact.

If you think, why the hell it matters how she feels about the visits, I am suspecting I might have a PND. To be honest I never thought I would get it and I have done well uptil now but things are getting on top of me. the visits are just making it worse. I do want her to see him, I don't want to stop the contact, it's just shit the way it is now. DD is less than a year old by the way.

I guess what I'm asking is whether I'm just talking crap and should be happy he sees her once a month for a day and would the judge, if it came to it, grant him a monthly visit or would he take DD's needs under consideration.

CheeseandGherkins Mon 03-Oct-11 17:49:41

It doesn't matter if a judge said more contact if the father doesn't want to. It's only what he'll do that matters and if he only wants once a month then noone can force him to have more.

Sorry you're feeling down, it's not a good situation for you at all.

GypsyMoth Mon 03-Oct-11 17:54:45

If it went in front of a judge it will because your ex has taken it there.

And that would be for access. What you're saying makes kittle sense here. She is seeing her dad. If that's all he wants for now then so be it, you can't force him. The contact won't be removed on the basis the resident parent doesn't feel it's enough

GypsyMoth Mon 03-Oct-11 17:55:09


splashymcsplash Mon 03-Oct-11 19:36:14

Poor you, its really a shit situation.

I think that if he doesn't want to see his dd then there is little to be gained by forcing contact. I am in a very similar situation, and right now there is no contact as I believe that is better than sporadic or infrequent and begrudging contact.

At her age she won't miss him if she were to never see him again. If he does stay in her life like this one day she will understand that she has a dad but he doesn't really love her. Better no dad. I have been told that by professionals too.

You can do a great job without him. smile

DrinkFeckArseGirls Mon 03-Oct-11 19:41:51

I may be making little sense, I just needed to let it all out. What I'm saying monthly visits are not putting DD first, it's doing what is convenient for him. When she gets older, she might end up feeling like she waits all month for that one visit and then it's one big let down when it's over. even twice a month but for a shorter time would be better - more casual, not like a visit from the frigging Pope. But I guess it's normal then.

I remember a thread in Relationships (many moons ago now) where it said the father wanted sporadic visits (i.e. when he could fit the kids in between work, travel, etc.) and the judge told him, it's not in the children's best interest and he needs to make it more regular. Although I guess it was different because the mother and father were married before and he was a part of their DC lives before their parted. Here, it doesn't matter, he never lived with us so he doesn't owe her stability in any shape of form.

balia Mon 03-Oct-11 21:03:48

Of course it would be better to have more regular visits, no it isn't normal, yes he owes her stability. No one is saying it is ok - they are just pointing out the reality of the situation. You asked what a judge would say, and as far as anyone can predict that, it is highly unlikely that a judge would rule against contact (it is regular, after all, just not very often, and you haven't mentioned any safety concerns) or would order more contact for someone who doesn't want it. Nor would a judge threaten to stop contact to force a parent to have more contact than they wish for.

Have you talked to your HV/GP about more help with the PND?

Try to remember that it seems like a really big deal to you right now, but for your DD it will be normal. It isn't ideal but I must disagree with Splashy - it is better than no Dad. It is DD's right by law and well known that it is better for children to have relationships with both parents.

GypsyMoth Mon 03-Oct-11 21:53:29

So what about separated families from the forces? Dad may be away ( as was my case for a while) Contact might be infrequent now, but life does change.

cestlavielife Mon 03-Oct-11 21:59:09

She is under one . Is like seeing grandparents or other regular but infrequent visitor. Not sure why such a build up. If he is happy with this then just carry on and live your life the rest of the time.

Tyr Mon 03-Oct-11 22:06:19

I don't get the kind of toerag that could go a month or longer but, if that is the truth, it's better than nothing.
A court won't think highly of him but won't force him.
When did he say he didn't want to see her at all? Some men think that before a child is born and then do a complete U-turn when they hold their child for the first time. Is he still saying that now?
Several times a week for a few hours would be better at that age.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Mon 03-Oct-11 22:38:06

God, didn't meant o sound so whingy. I do appreciate all the replies. I just find it difficult to see thee wood through the trees these days. I think balia is spot on - it is a big deal for me I've just lost any perspective I had. That's why I posted and, partly, that's why I think I might be having PND, although I feel like a right drama queen writing that. Everything seems to such an upheaval and an issue. I'm constantly peed off or feeling sorry for myself. It especially became visible when EX started being nicer and I can still see only fault in what he says and does. I mean, he's my EX, it's given he annoys the living Jesus out of me, but that's different. Maybe it's not anything serious, maybe I'm just knackered from a lack of support, esp. from him.

That's the thing that gets me - he's not an complete arsehole. She enjoys herself with him and he claims he looks forward to the meetings too and I have no reason not to believe him or rather he's got no reason to lie. He's always been very reliable and trustworthy but he just overthinks things and in his head he's doing the right thing for her (he's older than I am and he thinks she will be embarrassed cause he's not 25...).

No, haven't been to the GP. Not sure what I would tell them. Either it won't seem remotely serious or I will come across as a right nutter. What do you say to a GP??? What could a HV help?

Sorry, now it's a full blown rambling. Off to bed before DD is awaken by her teeth.

joruth Sat 08-Oct-11 20:53:58

you say to the GP I'm not sure I'm coping, everything seems to be too much at the moment......

...they bring out a list of questions to get the ball rolling....which you answer without worrying what they think ( the only people GPs really get p'd off with is the friday afternoon visit from someone saying "I'm tired all the time" for the 4th time that month!!!!!!).

they say "yes, i can see that things are difficult for you right now" then one of 3 things....
1)I don't think you are depressed but you could use some support right now...(brings out sheaf of parenting help/lone parent brochures)
or 2) I think you have some problems would you like some counselling?,
or 3) would you like these pills and some counselling? and you discuss the pro's and con's.......

Go see the's what they are there for!
(and I should know!!!!!!!!!)

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