New to mumsnet, feeling low, fancied a moan

[louise799]

Hi anyone out there... I'm new to mumnset, thought I'd have a mooch and this seems like a really friendly place to be! :) My husband and I split up when my daughter was about five months old and I was still on maternity leave. Originally he said it was because he didn't love me anymore, but it really quickly became apparent that there was someone else as he was arranging to go on a skiiing holiday with her even before I left the house. I moved out with our little one, because I wanted a fresh start, and I went back to work full time earlier than planned. I hadn't been happy in our marriage, its fair to say, but that doesn't mean I was ready for him to walk away from it. I'm a very easy going person who puts other people first, so I've worked hard to put my hurt to one side for the sake of my gorgeous girl. We have the odd spat but on the whole have done a great job of working together to put her needs first, although sometimes it does feel like I do a lot of the compromising. He has really good contact and we have an informal parenting plan. She stays with him at our old house on Tuesday and Thursday nights and then every third weekend from Friday evening to Sunday evening. The weeknights help me get my work done, but I hate the weekends away from her. They seem so long and when she's away it feels like I'm missing a limb. She's 15 months old now and has adjusted so well, I'm so proud of her. She's in nursery full time, which isn't really what I had planned, but I have no choice but to work full time. :( And I guess that doesn't help with the missing her when she's at his house. But she really is amazing, she's so happy and content, and she's well attached to her mummy and her daddy, a really confident little girl. I hate the fact she spends time with the woman he left me for though, I just try not to think about that side of things. And now he's asking if she can stay at his house on the Sunday night on his weekends. This would mean I don't have to see him at all, which would make life pleasanter, but I miss her so much as it is. :( Not really sure what to do. People are telling me that I should divorce him now and name his girlfriend, because if I leave it till two years the courts would see it as amicable and give him 50-50. :( Sigh. I just want to do what's right for my little girl. Sorry for the long message, but I couldn't sleep and guess I needed to get it all off my chest.

[ThePsychicSatsuma]

aah bless you
welcome to mumsnet
glad you have a mature and emotionally stable relationship with him
remember no matter any other 'women' you'll always be her one and only mummy
could you talk through with him the weekend thing so you can have some extra free time with dd?
hopefully you'll get some other answers off MNtters with a bit more understanding of your situation

[toptramp]

I would divorce him asap if I were you. You need closure. He was an arse. It dosn't mean things have to get spiteful between you. It does mean you can move on faster and get more money for your dd. Your dd will be fine and if you keep it clean she won't know any better.

[toptramp]

Also what do you have to gain by not getting divorced?

[GreenMonkies]

I'd divorce him asap, so it's done on your terms, not just a one-size-fits-all 50-50.

Also, are you renting your new house? if so there is lots of help to be had via housing benefit and tax credits, so you may be able to reduce your hours and not lose money. I only work 3 days a week but with help from benefits/tax credits I live in a small 3 bedroom house (with my 2 girls) and whilst I'm not loaded I'm certainly not poor.

Either way, you're coping really well.

[louise799]

Thanks guys. I will definitely divorce him, I was just going to wait until two years was up and do it on that two year separation basis...... but it scares me that I might lose out. I guess I need to go see a solicitor.

Yes, renting my house. Am receiving tax credits and could afford to drop to a 30 hour week but they won't accept it at work at the moment, they'd rather I went down to a proper half week or something but then the money doesn't seem to add up.

I don't know - I didn't ask for any of this, its frustrating sometimes! I do my best though....