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I feel like I am being cruel to my daughter by making her go to her dads house when she really doesnt want to.

(12 Posts)
chocolatespiders Sun 02-Oct-11 22:03:51

dd- 9 goes to her dads every other weekend also used to be a night in the week but that was dropped. We went to court to sort access out but a court order was not put in place we just sat through mediation together.

Ex is now remarried with ds, his wife used to be very much involved with dd but that has unfortunately dwindled out and become less and less.

The reason for my post is a few weeks ago dd was there and the next night after she had come home I was running her a bath and she started telling me that daddy had worked all weekend and she was left with his mum (dd's nan) Nan was running dd a bath and as she got in dd said that it was to hot, nan felt the bath and said no its not and added more hot water shock when dd was telling me this I felt all life drain out of me and felt so sickened that she would be like this to my precious daughter and what should be her precious grandaughter.

Nan never liked me as I already had a daughter when I was with my ex and she has obviously still got it in for me and taking it out on dd, she often says to her do you like your sister (my teenage dd) and who do you like more mummy or daddy. She watched dd play sport a few weeks ago then said to her after ' you weren't very good' such negativity. She used to be a bit like this to my older daughter before dd was born and hated ex doing anything for the girl that was not biologically his.

I know it is ex's choice if he decides to work on the 4 days a month that he has dd but I cant bear to imagine dd being so unhappy, but I am really stuck as to what I can do.

solidgoldbrass Sun 02-Oct-11 22:05:49

There's no court order in place and your DD is old enough to have her wishes taken into account should XP take you back to court. Stop access if that's what your DD wants, and if XP kicks up tell him you'll see him in court. He is unlikely to win.

chocolatespiders Sun 02-Oct-11 22:10:40

Really grateful for your reply... feel so low about this and wish I could run away from it so she doesn't have to go this week.

I thought they would only take her wishes into account once she was 12???

chocolatespiders Sun 02-Oct-11 22:24:52

I feel like she is second rate to them, they went on holiday and dd went away with them. My Ex, wife and their child in a room, my dd in a room with dd's nan and the au pair. Feel so sorry for her as it would have been some great bonding time she could have had with her dad.

solidgoldbrass Mon 03-Oct-11 00:33:53

Is the Ex the one insisting on contact and threatening to push for more? If so, keep a detailed log of how little interest he shows in DD when she is with him, and tail the contact off so the lazy selfish prick doesn't really notice. If he's not pushing for contact, just tail it off anyway as DD doesn't want to go, and then reassure her lots that it's not her fault that her dad is not a very good dad, and that she is lovable and wonderful.

Tyr Mon 03-Oct-11 00:42:00

Is this one occasion? Is it just her nan she doesn't want to see? Whatever, you need to speak to him about it.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 03-Oct-11 00:48:38

Would being super duper reasonable work. For example tell him if he's busy on his contact weekends then that's ok with you to keep dd at yours.

Keep a diary of each sessions he does not then make & when he does want to see her let dd decide what she wants, if she refuses to go to him tell him sorry dd doesn't want to go.

I'd not let her go on holidays with them either if she's going to be shunted out & made to feel unwanted.

Try & stop any contact with the witch grandmother.

GypsyMoth Mon 03-Oct-11 09:12:16

Er,sgb is wrong and giving dangerous advice

Op.. Re post in legal section for some proper advice.

cestlavielife Mon 03-Oct-11 09:57:02

ilt is rirght -there are clearly some issues going on here but not enough to stop contact.

also as she is nine time she starts talking to her dad, encourage her to tell him her feelings, eg write him a letter - and for dad to sort it out with granny.

chocolatespiders Tue 04-Oct-11 18:54:49

Sadly dd does not feel able to talk to him in the same way as she can to me, over the years she has had to fit into this perfect girl box which is not dd and he pulls her up if she has any speck of dirt on her, so much so that she inspects her clothes before she goes- this is not dd she is normally in a football shirt splattered in dirt. This kind of thing has ade her a little on edge around him.

Ex always asks dd where she wants to stay his house or the mums>> FGS he sees her 4 nights a month he should be treasuring those hours with her.

It is a shame about dd being pushed out during the holiday as I thought it would be a great bonding time for them all so its sad it didnt work out that way.

I will repost in Legal advice- Thanks for that.

I will also start to keep a diary thats a good idea.

I will say that if he cant have dd then I would rather keep her at home.

whiteandnerdy Tue 04-Oct-11 20:32:36

How would you deal with it if you DD doesn't want to goto school? Would you say "ah she doesn't want to go, so I'll stop her going?" OK, so it's not a brilliant analogy but really wouldn't it be better to improve things so she does want to go rather than saying god awfull things like "your other parent is very good" (I have no idea what goes through SGB head). And just like dealing with say school, you have to keep it formal and stay away from being prescriptive "you have to parent my DD like this otherwise ..." and try to be informative "DD feels like this because of this and this ... maybe talk to her about it with her."

Well that's what I try but it's hard not to slip into FFS you can't do/say that are you a complete fecking nob-end confused

blackeyedsusan Tue 04-Oct-11 22:12:24

have you talked to her dad and told himm that she doesn't want to go and asked how is he going to improve things for her?

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