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Why do people assume that I must be wanting to go out seeking a new man?

(24 Posts)
GreenMonkies Mon 26-Sep-11 12:36:55

I like being single.

I don't mean I love being a single parent, or that I chose it, or that it's what I wanted, but I actually find that I am happier now that I'm on my own than I was for the last 4 or 5 years we were together.

I was stunned by the sense of relief when he left, and I expected it to give way to sadness etc, but it's nearly 6 months since he moved out, and 9 since we actually split, and it still hasn't happened. It's hard, sure, being the only one here to look after the girls, I'd love a lie-in now and then, but over all I wouldn't have it any other way right now.

So, the next person to tell me I'm still young/good looking/etc and that Match.com will sort me out with a nice new bloke will get a poke in the eye.

Seriously!

solidgoldbrass Mon 26-Sep-11 17:48:58

Well, basically, the foundations of modern human culture depend on every man being entitled to own a woman to service him domestically. This is why women are constantly being told that they are freaks and failures, that they will never be happy unless they are owned by a man - because it's actually men who need longterm committed heteromonogamous relationships, and because the more women who live happily without male partners, the more women who are lumbered with crap male partners realise that they can live alone, too.

(Oh I'll save the mundanes the trouble of shitting themselves in rage again - yes, some people have happy relationships with men who do their fair share of domestic work. Yeah, your husband is Great! Fab! He doesn't beat you and he doesn't pester for sex etc etc. That some people negotiate and enjoy good, mutually supportive couple-relationships does not make the cultural pressure for women to be men's breeding stock and domestic servants any less there.)

nixnjj Mon 26-Sep-11 18:07:21

SGB I think I love you. I've been happily single for 7 years and have no desire to change that . I get so fed up when people tell me I'll change my mind when Mr Right turns up. I'll quote you from now on if thats ok

PaigeTurner Mon 26-Sep-11 18:45:46

I'm also fed up (already!) of men assuming I'm after a new father for DS. I would just like a few fun dates, actually, if that's okay.

GreenMonkies Wed 28-Sep-11 13:33:15

Oh <swoon> SGB!!

MrGin Wed 28-Sep-11 14:54:31

I think on the whole men and women are better off on their own. I've spent the majority of my life single, and that's not because I'm dog ugly or a social slug.

Loved my life, travelled all round the world with a backpack on my back, never had to negotiate or compromise on anything for long stretches. Survived doing my own washing, cooking, housework etc. Perfectly at ease looking after my daughter. And kind of watched from the sidelines as friends in relationships lurched from one to the other via mucho drama and tears.

Not sure I totally agree with SGB's analysis as it suggests all women are docile putty who can't think or act for themselves, but each to their own.

solidgoldbrass Wed 28-Sep-11 15:46:34

MrGin: I am not suggesting that all women are docile putty. I am suggesting that there is a very long cultural history of women being told they are servants, property and pets.

MrGin Wed 28-Sep-11 15:57:31

agreed. apologies.

fleep Wed 28-Sep-11 18:24:16

SGB, I really like your posts.

I really, really dislike the term 'mundanes' though. I know what you're getting at but it's snide and teenagerish and, imo, undermines the sense of your argument.

Not that you will give a toss but, y'know, just sayin'...

fleep Wed 28-Sep-11 18:33:25

Anyway, OP, good on you. The eight years I've spent as a single parent have been probably the happiest, most productive, more interesting and exciting of my life so far.

I have now met someone who seems to be rather bloody fabulous - but the real joy of it is that I'm with him because I absolutely WANT to be, not because I'm labouring under the delusion that I NEED to be.

And if he ever stops being rather bloody fabulous, I have no doubt I'll get back to a happy, productive, interesting and exciting life, on my own smile

rightchoice Wed 28-Sep-11 22:21:10

Check out my name! I love being single too!!!!

YoFluffy Wed 28-Sep-11 22:46:07

Is it because married friends envy our freedom and want to see us tied down? Or is that a totally cynical response....

I often turn up at friends' to find a spare male there too, quel coincidence. One day they will get the hint, I'm just not interested! I've enough happening in my life to keep me busy and I simply don't have time nor inclination to juggle it all around to fit a new bloke in. Once kids & work are served, I want the free time for ME!! Selfish perhaps, but happy.

GreenMonkies Wed 28-Sep-11 23:27:26

I'm so glad I'm not alone in this.

MrGin, I think what SGB is saying is that for generations women have been brainwashed into thinking they can't function without a man, I'll try to not get too deep here, but we are led to believe that we are only worth-while if we have a bloke.

The truth is, that because my ex works shifts, and has some very big ishoos and didn't really get terribly involved with the kids, and due to lack of childcare/babysitters he would go out and I would stay home, I have effectively been a single parent for the last 3 or 4 years. Now that he's actually gone I am now able to focus on the things I need to, and then have time to do the other stuff I want to do, without feeling guilty for "ignoring" him or being pestered for some kind of sexual service.

I am way to busy catching up on my social life (I don't go out, but now that he's gone people actually come around to my house in the evenings!) reading books, watching what I want to watch on the tv or just going to bed when I feel like it, and why anyone thinks I'd want to start complicating my life with the emotional roller-coaster of a new relationship is beyond me. As MrGin says; I've 'watched from the sidelines as friends in relationships lurched from one to the other via mucho drama and tears.' I can't be doing with the effort and energy all of that entails!

Seems I'm not the only independent freak that is not stressed out because I don't have a bloke to 'complete' me*.




*Because I am a whole person, all by myself, and don't feel I need someone to validate my existence.

mogs0 Thu 29-Sep-11 23:16:41

Mr friend told me last week that a friend of hers (who I know a little bit) is going to give me a make-over and help me to find a man hmm.

I have never even hinted that I'd like either - infact, the opposite. I'm also a little paranoid that I must be more unattractive than I'd realised insulted that either of them thought it'd be something I'd need to be done for me.

The vast majority of my friends feel it's perfectly acceptable to ask about my love life when I couldn't give a shit about theirs wouldn't dream of asking about theirs.

GreenMonkies Fri 30-Sep-11 00:02:57

Wow Mogs, that's seriously offensive. Did you tell her to stick her makeover up her arse? Cheeky bitches.

So frustrating that it's used as a yardstick of success and assumed that every woman is desperately craving the attentions of a man. (or vice versa if you're a single bloke)

solidgoldbrass Fri 30-Sep-11 00:45:11

I would be pissed off with that mogs, and I would probably not be terribly polite about refusing it (I have refused makeover offers before, though they have been made by people upset by my 'individualistic' way of dressing, not specifically intended to bring me under some man's control).

Sidalee7 Fri 30-Sep-11 19:25:37

So with you! My friends keep dropping hints about "friends" they want me to meet - argh! Need a good couple of years without that...

littlemum007 Fri 30-Sep-11 19:32:19

Tell them all to piss off!! I totally understand your need to be single - Christ, one shit relationship is enough. Hold your head up high girl and be SINGLE until you ready. However, don't take it as far as I did!!! Yes, you may chuckle. I've done 13 years celibacy... woke up just the other month when a man appeared totally unexpectedly and knocked me off my Cinderalla's! I am utterly happy now, although we split up twice because I am just in a bit of shock... I thought being buxom and booby put men off! - OK, too much information.

teahouse Sun 02-Oct-11 09:25:27

I enjoy being on my own but having been a lone parent for 11 years I don't have a social life (couldn't afford a sitter). I'm now firmly middle-aged and finding one now my kids are fledging, is almost impossible.

If there is one thing I'd like it's a social life; someone to go to the theatre with, invitations to people's houses (as a single woman these are notable by their absence) etc.

As to dating - forget it, and SGB, I think you are right - I know through work a fair few men in really crappy marriages who stay because they don't have the balls to leave - why continue to live like that; what message does it send out to children.

Additionally, I know several guys who do that pub banter thing of moaning about domesticty when they probably don't really feel that - who would want a husband that even as a pub joke, would complain bitterly about going home.

I'm sure there must be some lovely guys out there and good luck to anyone who find one, but the older and more cynical (read realistic) I get, the more I realise that a single life is the one for me; just need a social life to go with it.

YNK Sun 02-Oct-11 09:40:19

I go over to India every year to see an old (female) friend who lives there. I get sick of being asked 'where is husband?' and even ''father?' or 'brother?'. There is a firm belief that I must have asked permission from a male relative for travelling alone.
At one stage I made up a story about having killed my husband (a very bad man) and was having a holiday after being released from years in prison. It was a hoot to see how men backed off PDQ!

anothermum92 Sun 02-Oct-11 22:12:11

Message withdrawn

happybubblebrain Mon 03-Oct-11 00:14:04

I like being single. I've been single for a long time now. I don't think for a minute that I'd be happier if I had a selfish man to slave after.

I have a single friend who is desperate for the fairytale ending in her long search for the perfect man, and I feel very sorry for her. She's kisssed enough frogs but no prince has appeared. And the whole thing makes her sad and insecure. Fact is, men are frogs and the older they get, the froggier they get.

solidgoldbrass Mon 03-Oct-11 00:23:33

I know plenty of nice men and happy couples. I'm just not interested in doing heteromonogamy myself. Same as I know plenty of people who like musical theatre/sport/gardening - fair play to them if it makes them happy, I only get fed up with them if they keep insisting that my life would be better if I would only do what they do.

TheWisdomOfSolomum Mon 03-Oct-11 01:22:57

I have found this thread really interesting. And enlightening. Really enjoyed your first post SGB!

I split with ex last Nov, was crap for a long time before that. Until about two months ago I was exhausted with looking after 3 dc and dealing with all the crap that ex continued to throw at me, then I started to feel better, cope better and doing things that were just for me.

As well as finding a job, having some interests and making some friends, this included, getting my hair done (previously had always kept it blonde, how it was when I met ex and how HE liked it), wearing make up (again stopped wearing make up soon after meeting ex as he didn't like it), bought some new clothes that i like and I feel happy when I'm wearing them, and bits and pieces along those lines, you get the gist.

And why am I doing all that? To find a man of course hmm. Lost count of the comments I have had, thankfully not from anyone who actually means anything to me.

I have zero interest in having a relationship. I don't want or need a man. I am simply just rediscovering myself and its a long time coming. Apparently though, tis is not allowed hmm grin

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