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(22 Posts)
asylumum Sun 25-Sep-11 10:35:21

Am going to court on the 10th for a contested shared residence hearing. My ex want 50/50 contact , is motive, he wants child tax credit shared, the guy doesnt want to work but eyeing the childs benefits. He told cafcass that i smack my dota all the time and all other loads of false accusations. He is a good play dad but not a carer such that when he has her on weekneds he takes her on a 2 and half hour train journey to his parents hse and another 2 and half hour trip back on sunday evenings. We have an interim order until the 10th oct as follows, 1 midweek sleepover and all the weekends for him. This is killing me as my dota is spending most of the time at school which means am spending very lillte quality time with her. Am trying to come up with a reasonable schedule so that the child is not moved up and down all the time as she is in pre sch now. She needs a proper routine. Am going to uni monday and tuesday, thought these would be his overnights, i want some weekends to be able to spend quality time with her and her step sister. My ex also wants weekends too. On the midweek when he takes her to school the childs hair is unbrushed her skin looks pale and dry cos he cant afford basic body lotion for his child. Help me with any suggestions. As much as i understand that children needs both parents, but when it comes to children under 10, shovering over 3 homes in one week is just cruel. what do physcologists or researchers say about all this. I feel upset.

TheMonster Sun 25-Sep-11 12:05:46


MrGin Sun 25-Sep-11 12:07:39

Guessing dota = daughter

balia Sun 25-Sep-11 16:31:04

Clearly it isn't unreasonable to want quality time with your daughter. Does she go to 'preschool' full days?

However, lots of parents take their children to see wider family at the weekends, so the fact he takes her on a train journey hardly makes him an unfit carer.

If you want weekend time, then it looks as though you will have to compromise and have less time in the week - has he given a reason why he doesn't want to accept your offer of Monday and Tuesday?

And TBH, if my ex couldn't afford lotion and I was getting all the child benefit/tax credits I would make sure I sent some with my child when she went there.

GypsyMoth Sun 25-Sep-11 16:53:41

Why does she need body lotion?
Why is the train journeys a problem?

GypsyMoth Sun 25-Sep-11 16:54:32

And who agreed to ever weekend? Because the norm is every OTHER weekend, legal professionals know this.....

asylumum Sun 25-Sep-11 22:45:16

forgive my slang. dota is short for daughter

asylumum Sun 25-Sep-11 22:47:15

It was alternate weekends before. but the current interem order has all weekends given to my ex .

asylumum Sun 25-Sep-11 22:50:12

The train journey bothers me cos when he brings her back at 6 or 7 she is tired and thats abt dinner time or even bed time. And the child has to be in school by 8.55

asylumum Sun 25-Sep-11 22:55:18

moisturisor for kids to stop her skin getting dry. Even if packed it for her which i have done in the past he wont use it, this is a guy who wont even give a sick child calpol cos it has a tiny little bit of sugar in it.

asylumum Sun 25-Sep-11 22:57:03

I have nothing against him visiting his parents every weekend but the idea of bringing the child past bed time concerns me.

GypsyMoth Sun 25-Sep-11 23:09:45

No judge will be bothered by lack of moisturiser/tired after contact etc

You just have to let these small things go

GypsyMoth Sun 25-Sep-11 23:10:44

What time is bedtime and when is he returning?

Sounds like mediation is required

niceguy2 Sun 25-Sep-11 23:25:43

But tax credits & child benefit can't be shared, so unless he's wildly mistaken then that doesn't sound like a decent motive for shared residence. That is unless he's expecting it to be shared residence with him as main carer.

You say his sole motive are the benefits but you'd need to prove this.

To be fair the stuff like the train & lotion may be a big deal for you but the court won't give it a passing thought. And your thoughts about pushing kids around homes is your own personal opinion. Again a court isn't going to be too fussed about what you think. They are solely concerned with what they think is in your daughters best interests.

If you want your hearing to go the best you can, you'd better start upping your game and figuring out legitimate reasons he shouldn't have shared residence. Because right now I'm not seeing any.

balia Mon 26-Sep-11 18:43:32

It seems really odd that you offered Mon and Tues as extra overnights but the courts ordered every weekend, that is pretty unusual - did they say why?

pinkytheshrinky Mon 26-Sep-11 18:47:45

I thought shared residence need to be an agreed state between the parents? - If you contest this then you should be able to maintain residence and he has visitation? You need to see a lawyer and take some advice right now. Do not leave this to chance.

gracie45 Thu 27-Oct-11 22:39:00

I am having same probs.My ex lies all the time and has managed to get shared res.since 2005.He has my children 3 weekends in row anf half hols.So unfair.They r 7 8 and nearly 11.he left in 2004.He doesn't look after them prop either-llets them burn in sun (they r red haired) dresses in dirty underwaer doesnt do daily baths, puts 8 yr old son in his small double bed every night he has him, gets them to watch dr who.i am at wits end.i had ulcer last yr from stress.he has applied residen 5/6 times and made me go to abt 20 ct cases since jan 2005.he lies to soc serv too.his mother is bullying and controlling at 84 yrs old and attends all the ct cases trying to take them from me.He wont let me sell th ehouse in both our names but stopped paying mortgage house insurance repairs etc in 2005 .i have to pay them all and am overdrwan.i am so upset hardly haiving any quality time.i dont drive and the 2 schls are a long walk so we dont get back till 4.15pm from school.they go 6pm fri and return 6pm sun.i only end up with SEVEN WEEKENDS A YEAR IN TERM TIME.the judges all seem on the means side.i wish someone wd set up families need mothers.

cestlavielife Fri 28-Oct-11 10:11:41

gracie you cn gt court to order a sale of the house. he wont have any say then. but you need legal advice to file the aplication under TOLATA (if you not married).

asylumum Sat 20-Apr-13 08:52:31

We are back in court again on the 24th of June for the 5th time. A cafcass guardian has been appointed for our daughter this time and a solicitor.
just like before my ex still refuses to work and says i owe him £6000 in benefits. When daughter is in his care he wont buy a ticket to take child to school as he says he cant afford a bus ticket cos i have all the benefits, so he lets her walk a stretch of 30 minutes each way and insists that i pay for his insurance if am bothered. Am definetely not doing that. If he is not walking her, he uses a self modified bicycle to transport which daughter finds uncomfortable as it hurts her down below at every bump thery go through. The judge ordered that he does not use the bicycle but still does. I have a car and it takes me 10 minutes to drive her to school. can the judge reason with me that the child stays with me during school days which will mean him having holiday time. my concern here is that i would like some time during holidays so i can take her away together with her half sister to my family outside UK, a 10 hour flight!!!. I may sound unreasonable here but the girls need to spend quality time together during holidays. The courts wants a layout of my proposed time with my girl, am stuck. Any ideas are welcome,

IneedAyoniNickname Sat 20-Apr-13 10:29:36

Personally I can't see any harm in a child walking 30 mins. In fact I don't understand why parents use a car for such a short journey. Although his reasoning that you have all the benefits is rubbish IMO. I also can't see the problem with a train journey, my dc love being on the train, and the longer the better for them.

gracie I.don't do daily baths either, and my dc (8 and 6) watch Dr who, so ok not sure of the problems there! However dressing the dc in dirty underwear etc is not on, and I can see why that upsets you.

I don't understand why you don't have an every other weekend arrangement, I thought that was the 'norm'

asylumum Sat 20-Apr-13 20:02:41

IneedayoniNickname for a 5 year old to walk for 30 i feel thats too much

iwantanafternoonnap Sat 20-Apr-13 21:06:23

I would just state when you want your ex to have your DD and make it fair. Let CAFCASS know why you want to spend some quality time with her and what kind of things you would do.

A 30 minute walk is nothing for a 5 year old and I really wouldn't worry about that my 3 year old has been walking longer than that and was doing hour walks at 2. I never put any body lotion on my DS. The train journey is also nothing to worry about as most kids would love this and it is also a good opportunity for parents to talk to their kids, read etc. If you know she is coming back at that time then just have food ready. My DS has to be kept up at my mums until gone 8pm once a week because I work until then and he is fine with it. These things you should not go over the top about as the court will just see you as being obstructive as none really impact on a childs welfare. The courts also believe it is important that children form relationships with their extended family.

Stick to why you want some weekend and holiday time make it about positives with you rather than negatives with him.

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