Desperately need some guidance

[PollySE12]

Hi
I'm a new member. I got pregnant when I was a teenager, living in an abusive home. I had no idea how to cope and although I tried when my daughter was 2 years old I left her to be raised by my family and I took off to try to sort my life out ( I didn't feel I had anything to offer my daughter). She has known me as she's been growing up but when I was ready to take her back she decided she'd rather not live with me. She has now turned 20. She is at university. For the past two years she has refused to give me her address (I just know that she lives in a rented flat somewhere near the university). When her birthdays are coming up I call her and text her asking for her address so that I can send her a present. I also invite her to have lunch so I can give her her present and card then. She completely ignores my messages (does not pick up the phone, or reply to texts or emails) but then when her birthday passes and she obviously receives no card or present from me in the post she has begun telling everybody who will listen "my mother doesn't give sh*t about me, she hasn't even bothered to send me a birthday card." It's just happened again this year.

I've been considering hiring a private detective to get her address so that I can send her her birthday card and present. But I'm wondering if in fact it is time to let go?? I've asked my family members for her address but they pretend not to have it.

I've been racked with guilt for the past 20 years because of my daughter not living with me. I've not moved on with my life and have avoided having any form of relationships with men etc. My daughter absolutely hates me. I'm wondering if perhaps it is time to move on?

[Kayano]

Errrrr if she was raised by your family give the card to your family to pass on? They will have her address surely. Don't send a private investigator! It's a bit weird ESP as she doesn't seem to actually want you to have it

[Kayano]

They will be respecting her wishes
Not actually giving you the address but doesn't stop you from giving a card to them to get to her. Of course they will deny knowing it.

[northernruth]

Don't give up. Send the presents and cards via your family. Write her letters that your family can pass on. She is obviously hurt and it's very hard for a twenty year old to understand what could have led you to give her away.

And try to understand her POV - when I was ready to take her back she decided she'd rather not live with me - it sounds like it's all been on your terms and she was happy where she was. Don't blame her for that, she was only a child.

[PollySE12]

I've sent cards and letters via the family in the past. They don't pass them on. They are heavily invested in painting me as an uncaring mum. Our entire family is really emotionally unhealthy.

[niceguy2]

Polly, the brutal truth is your daughter isn't ready to forgive you yet for abandoning her.

You are calling/texting so she must know you are trying to get in touch. I assume your family are also discussing this with her and out of respect for her wishes they are not passing along her address.

If you really care about your daughter then I feel you should respect her wishes and hopefully in time she will come around.

[PaigeTurner]

Personally I would keep the cards and letters in case she has a change of heart later on in life. She obviously is still processing her upbringing, I think you are doing all you can under the circumstances.