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i just dont get this

(3 Posts)
booyhoo Tue 20-Sep-11 19:19:39

EXp is in the forces,(navy to be precise) and this means that he gets 'home' (to his parents' house) roughly every 6-8 weeks. he travels by plane and it is expensive so i understand that this is as often as he can afford to get back. he doesn't keep in touch with dcs whilst he is away and th last time he was home didn't arrange to see them at all shock sad

ds1(6) started misbehaving really badly out of character a few months ago and started saying things like he didn't love his daddy anymore then one day i found a photo of his dad torn up in his room. i asked him about it and he said he just didn't love him. i spoke to EXP and said i thought he could make more of an effort to be present in the boys' lives even whilst he was away. i suggested he call in the evenings, send emails that i could read out to them andhelp them write back and to leave voicemails on my mobile if he could only ring late at night. he was really unresponsive to all this, said he didn't think ds's behaviour was anything to do with him not being in touch and didn't agree to trying to contact him by phone/email etc. now this was the third conversation i had had with him in an attempt to get him to play a bigger part in their lives so i left it at it being up to him how his relationship with the boys developed and that i was done trying, he would hear no more from me on the subject. that was two months ago and we heard nothing more from him until last tuesday (ds didn't even get a birthday card)when he phoned and told me he had decided to give his notice in. he said that he had thought alot about what i said and that i was right, the boys do need him in their lives and he felt his career was not compatible with being the sort of dad he wanted to be. (just to clarify at this point, i dont agree with him that he needs to leave his job and i never suggested he should do that. i think he could be making more effort whilst still having his career). so he said he will give his notice in after xmas and he will have 1 year to work from that point. but that was tuesday last week, he hasn't called or emailed since. i texted him this evening to ask if he could send the maintenance a few days earlier this month and he has replied asking that when he has left his job (so 15 months away) can he see the boys more confused

1)i thought that was the whole point!!

2) what about between now and then? doesn't he get that he can't just start being a parent at a fixed date in the future? does he think the children dont grow when he isn't looking?

i really dont understand how he is thinking about this. they aren't a jointly owned house that is lying empty until he can move in.


<rant over>

cestlavielife Tue 20-Sep-11 21:37:46

You cannot control what he does or make him see sense sadly.

Tell your dcs he is going to be away for a year in the navy and leave it at that maybe they could write letters pictures keep in a box or something?
But just get on with your lives.
If he comes back then will need to be gradual build up of contact

booyhoo Tue 20-Sep-11 21:51:44

i know. you are right and i had come to accept this when he was so unresponsive to what i was telling him about ds. it's just so hard knowing that he is there with every opportunity and ability to be the parent they should have. why the hell can he not see beyond his own nose? they are living thinking people and they have certain needs from their parents. iknow no-one here can give me answers, i just have to do my best for them but i felt like i needed to vent after that message tonight. it is so frustrating.

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