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is it my fault ds doesnt see his dad?

(15 Posts)
griffalo2 Fri 16-Sep-11 10:26:55

Im starting to really blame myself

When he was born I was in the army and realised I couldnt bare to leave ds for long lengths of time,
I gave them my notice.After 3 months his father an I were not working out,we barely spoke,he was not up to fatherhood at all,he would shout and swear at ds when he cried,i found him one time shaking car seat violently and shouting at him to shut up,i had only gone into garage to pay for petrol.after this I couldnt trust him not to hurt ds,i even started taking him to the bathroom with me.
I ended up asking him to leave,he came to see ds twice in three months,didnt pick him up,touch him or talk to him.he was living a five minute walk away on same camp.also refused to even buy pack of nappies.

When ds was 6 months old my maternity leave ended and I had to leave army house,i moved back down south (6 hour drive away)to be with my family and friends.i didnt have anyone before.
We have never seen him since,ds is now almost 6, father had my phone number and addres
Ive sent him photos and pictures ds has done at school,hes not interested,

I keep thinking its my fault and ive let ds down,should I of made more effort/ make more effort?


Thank you for reading,i feel a bit better after writing some of it down

cestlavielife Fri 16-Sep-11 11:57:31

how can it be your fault when "father had my phone number and addres
Ive sent him photos and pictures ds has done at school,hes not interested,
"

if father isnt interested he isnt interested.
it isnt your fault.

jekyllnothyde Fri 16-Sep-11 12:23:51

I feel for you. I think I've exhausted every effort for my DS to be in contact with his father and I know ex is blaming me.

I think you need to stop holding a candle for your DS's father and trying to keep in touch. You have done all you can and more than many would. Let go of your hopes for this man to be a father other than a biological one. There is little you can do if he choses not to get in touch or choses at a later date to pitch up in your DS's life.
There is another thread here about the dad turning up very many years later. Perhaps that will happen?
Have you thought of doing a scrapbook/diary to record all your son's achievements. The things you are proud of. You and your DS can look at it too and if the dad reappears, it is a record of what has happened so far in your son's life.
If you feel strong enough and detached enough you could begin a book/diary for your DS about his father so that there is something there to show him when he wants to ask about his Dad?

And not to hijack your thread, but I'd also like to know about ideas for dealing with the dad who choses no contact or loses contact. How do others cope?

corlan Fri 16-Sep-11 12:43:01

You haven't let your DS down - his dad has let him down in the most awful,selfish way possible.

You've tried to keep contact going - you've done way more than a lot of women do. I think I would stop now. If your ex wants to find his son one day,it shouldn't be too hard.

Don't take the guilt on to to yourself - the guilt belongs with your ex and that kind of man never loses a moments sleep over the crappy things they've done.

griffalo2 Fri 16-Sep-11 13:14:08

In a way im kind of happy I dont have to go through all the usual situations with contact like most people on here,
His father is/was a very selfish man,i was in hospital for two weeks before I was induced and he wouldnt pay five pound so I could watch some tv,no magazines or anything nice,he came to see me once,didnt turn up on day I gave birth.i had no one else.
He then turns round when we split up saying ive got PND and its my fault,and hes going to get full custody.which still haunts me.
Can he just turn up and take ds? Demand contact?

cestlavielife Fri 16-Sep-11 13:39:46

he can demand contact - but given t lack of contact it would ahve to be slow build up of contact over many months before full days or overnights.

only after many months of overnights would he be in a position to demand residence.

unless of course there are reasons why you unable to care for him - but it sounds like you done a fab job so far.
have faith in yourself

if he were to turn up and demand contact - say no and consult a lawer, then maybe offer initial supervised contac ti n public place and gradually build up to more time full days over many many months months.

in that time you will know how serious he is or not

MrGin Fri 16-Sep-11 14:14:57

Gruffalo, just in response to your original post.

As a nrp dad, I would swim the channel if it was the only way to see my daughter. And I think that is a normal response. As it is I do my best to be in dd's life and offer the mum support as and when I can.

The dad in your story has let his child down massively. You have no reason to feel guilty and every reason to feel proud of yourself.

BertieBotts Fri 16-Sep-11 14:18:45

No, you haven't. Fuck no. And really, honestly, sounds like his dad has probably done him the biggest favour he could by not being around. Sorry sad

booyhoo Fri 16-Sep-11 14:23:30

no. his father has let him down.

if my children were moved 6 hours away i would do everything in my power to be as much a part of their lives as possible. this man had your adresss nd number. he chose not to use them.

sad

griffalo2 Fri 16-Sep-11 14:46:55

You are all very kind,thank you

Hes not on the birth certificate does that change anything?
We came out of hospital on xmas day and he went off to mummy and daddy boxing day for his 2 weeks leave.i went and registered birth alone,gave ds my surname.father was not happy.
Mrgin I know another daddy like you,my friend doesnt realise how lucky she is to have him as an ex

MrGin Fri 16-Sep-11 15:06:07

gruffalo, we do exist smile My XP is unaware of the struggles many single mums have. Not really an issue, but she does take it for granted.

Birth Certificate. If his name isn't on it he has no parental responsibility. That means no say on religion , schooling or medical issues. It also mean he can't have any say on whether you go abroad at all.

He could get it through a dna test if he really wanted.

I imagine he thinks he's a real man too. Pathetic.

MrGin Fri 16-Sep-11 15:09:58

...... I'd also say, if he does get in contact, it's well worth keeping all emails, texts and a record of visits if any.

griffalo2 Fri 16-Sep-11 15:49:41

I just have constant visions of him turning up on doorstep one day to take ds away.ds would go mad I know,he wont even stay with his grandparents.

I also fret ds will blame me when old enough.i know that feeling wouldnt last once hes old enough to understand fully,

booyhoo Fri 16-Sep-11 15:54:50

your ex wont have any rights to take your son away just by turning up on your doorstop. after such a long absence he would have to build up contact with your son and given that he has shown violent tendencies towards him in the past, this would most likely nd to be supervised. he cannot turn up and take your son. rest assured he cant.

Rhymenoseros Fri 16-Sep-11 16:08:12

reading your post OP it sounds like you have done the best possible thing by protecting your baby from this man regards the shaking and swearing. You got away and you sought the help and support of your family and friends which is the most sensible thing you could have done. You have done everything that you need to do regards contact details.

There is nothing else you could have done. Why should you feel guilty for being the parent that stayed? If he tries to get access let him be laughed out of court.

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