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surname change difficulties :/

(6 Posts)
sarahjstanley Thu 15-Sep-11 11:37:56

I'm new to mumsnet so hi. Long story (isn't it always) short, my son is happy and wanting to change his name to my surname (his dad and me are divorced) and of course, his dad has freaked out. I have 2 reasons to want to change his name-1. He wants do. His dad is not only controlling but right-wing religious (I am the opposite and also gay, so of course everything is because I'm demon possesed) and he hurt my son recently by not letting him wear nail varnish (an interest that I have no idea where it's came from but it's a creative outlet so why not, no one is getting hurt) and 2. His dad was a registered sex offender and although is now off the register, people in the oil industry in Aberdeen (biggest part of aberdeen's economy and workforce) know his name for someone who was perving at women in the toilets at work. I do not want my son (7) attached to that negative legacy of his father but of course, his dad is of the opinion god has forgiven him so it doesn't matter anymore. Also-my son really wants to, but is also saying he doesn't want to tell his dad because he'll 'go mad' any advice is appreciated. I think I can get an unconsenting name change but most of all I want to avoid his dad doing something stupid. He's already texting my son telling him what his name 'really' is and things. It's controlling and confusing to my son and it's difficult to know what to do :/ thanks

niceguy2 Thu 15-Sep-11 11:50:07

It's a bit of a minefield really. Try this site:

sarahjstanley Thu 15-Sep-11 21:26:02

thanks, yeah I've been in touch with people and I think I can get an unconsented change. just tonight my son was really upset and texted his dad to tell him he wanted to be called my name. his dad freaked out (of course) it's like reasoning with a brick wall. my son was scared to talk to him about it and he doesn't appreciate he's isolating his own son. :/ I'm going to take any action I can. I can't stand to see my boy so upset.

niceguy2 Fri 16-Sep-11 12:39:59

To be fair I don't think this is something your son should be discussing with his dad at his age. It really does sound quite manipulative.

I too would go nuts if I thought my ex wanted to remove my name and replace it with hers. And at 7 years old I'd suspect the idea is more yours than his. I can't see in practice how it makes a big difference to a 7yr old on a day to day basis.

sarahjstanley Sun 18-Sep-11 09:31:08

yeah I see your point and I respect that. To be honest-I wasn't going to discuss it with him at all, just leave it, and if when he was 16 or whatever he's free to do what he wants. I never expected he'd bring it up so young but he did for some reason. after him talking about it, I'm kind of obligated to then speak to him. I can't just ignore him! I told him to take time to think about it. that's kind of the point-I was looking for advice on how to deal with this. He said that someone also said something about his dad at school which highlighted the name issue. Understand it's a tricky one for me because I want to protect and respect my son at the same time figure out how he's feeling etc. I think you misunderstood that I had asked my son to change his name etc. In the past my ex and I were going to do a double barreled name but when we pitched that to him he didn't want to so we left it and I was happy that he was happy with that. I'm not sure that if for a guy (generalising here) the name thing is a bigger deal? I don't think for a second that his name has much to do with his day to day life, unless he is really unhappy with it, and I wouldn't upset my child and make him do something he wouldn't want to, to get a cheap dig at an ex! I hate seeing my son angry at his dad, that's why I'm in a quandary. I'm aware of the legal sitution, it was more to see if anyone else had experienced a similar thing-such a young child being so adamant about something I'm not sure I have the power to change. I'm NOT manipulating my son and I make sure I do not do that.

sarahjstanley Sun 18-Sep-11 09:38:11

I will though go and have a look at how I'm dealing with this. I would genuinely hate to manipulate my son, that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid doing. I thought that because he brought it up, I was able to ask him why he wanted the change and to say anything he wanted about it. I respect your imput. I don't think I'm manipulating and I say as little as I can to him about things like this in case I say something wrong. I have thought I should try and convince him that he can wait until he's older to make a decision, but it's just a weird situation because he is really set on it, and so young. I've never had a 7 year old before so no point of reference

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