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Kids going to exes, I can't deal with it any longer. (warning lots of swearing inside)

(11 Posts)
26minutes Mon 12-Sep-11 15:46:21

How do you carry this on? I can't do this for another god knows how many years. I'm fucked off with my boys being fucked about. I'm talking their health, their behaviour, their stability. I can't do it. I hate him. I mean really fucking hate him. The sooner he fucks off and dies the bloody better.

Going to his makes ds2 ill. They come back violent, rude, aggressive, ds1 with a mountain of attitude. "daddys amazing, you're nasty, you were horrible to daddy, you got daddy arrested, it's all your fault we dont live with daddy, daddys the best thing ever." No, daddys a cunt!

This cant be bloody good for them surely? Every other weekend having to make huge fucking changes to the way they live and behave. It really fucks them up, they dn't know how to behave like human beings when they return. They do thinga they wouldnt dream of doing normally, ds2 is totally uncontrollable, it's embarrassing.

And here I am trying desperately to keep everyuthig as normal as possible, I';ve never said a bad word against him to the boys, even when they've stood here telling me the things he says (ds2 often says things in conversation), e.g. "daddy says he wants DH in hospital" as much as I want to go marching round there and tell him what a piece of work he is and tell the boys I'd like to see him in hospital I don;t, I just explain that it's not a very nice thing to say and you should never wish anybody was in hospital. He tells lies about me and all I do is sit ther and say "no darling that isn't true, tht didn't happen". I'd love to tellthem the truth but I can't because they're too young and they wouldn't understand and it's not fair toi drag them into anything.

I realy hate him ad I wish he'd get out of their lives but that looks like it's not going to happen anytime soon, but I can't deal with what it does to them. I don't want them near me when they come back from ther because they;re not my childre, they don't behave like my children and the thought of this happening for the next 13 years fills me with utter dread.

DS2 says when he grows up he is going to live with daddy and gf so that he can be a member of the red pub then he can go to the red pub everyday and drink beer everyday with daddy. I really hoped my children would have aspirations of somethinf other than alcoholism.

hairylights Mon 12-Sep-11 18:14:39


I rarely advocate stopping contact, but this sounds like a really extreme set of circumstances. I wonder if there's some way of taking this through court and getting a child psychologist report to prove the damage he's doing.

How old are your kids?

GypsyMoth Mon 12-Sep-11 18:35:48

I used to find this..... The bad behaviour ion return. The way I dealt with it was to ensure they were delivered back as late in a Sunday as possible. Then straight to school on Monday meant they hot back to normal ASAP.

privatename Mon 12-Sep-11 18:49:51

i know what you mean,my boys don't feel like mine when they come back from their dad,they don't even smell the same!!

it's another thing that takes time to adjust to,there's no easy way.

you are doing so well not to bad mouth your ex to your children,maybe get a voodoo doll and stick lots of pins in the body part of your choice grin

Smum99 Mon 12-Sep-11 20:57:45

I remember that my DD would be moody and distance when she returned from her dads, it was hard not go feel upset and rejected however when she was older she would explain that she needed time to adjust to the different household. How old are the dc's?

One of the hardest things about parenting when separating is learning to accept that the dc's are exposed to a different life when with the other parent.Often the parents separate because of different lifestyles & aspirations but the children are in the middle and have to learn to negotiate it. They do get there and dc's having a good relationship with both parents is really important. My dss who is a teen will talk about a friend who doesn't see his dad (due to parents falling out badly) and this boy will cry when he talks about it with his friends (& for teen boy that is very tough to do!). He won't/can't show how upset he is infront of his mum. I personally would not prevent contact until you have attempted dialogue with your ex so that you can co-parent more effectively, maybe through mediation. From what you have posted the dc's aren't at risk when with their dad and if contact stopped they are highly likely to be resentful.
The suggestion about getting them to bed early/straight away is a good idea..I also think it's good for you to have a place to vent and hopefully in a few days it will settle down.

It does get easier and my dd really appreciate the efforts I made to keep her parents relationship amicable. I feel so very pleased that I managed to do it (truthfully, not all the time) but mostly, so her memories are positive. That is worth so much - knowing that I did the right thing for my daughter.

26minutes Mon 12-Sep-11 21:12:50

Hi thanks for the replies, I have read them and will post a reply myslef tomorrow, just sitting down, having an hour together with DH & a bar of Galaxy. grin

Riakin Mon 12-Sep-11 21:26:00

Hey look! The spite that doesn't exist brew

SaggyHairyArse Mon 12-Sep-11 21:41:00

I am glad you posted this as I feel the same way too sad

My children go to their Dads on a Saturday night/Sunday morning and come back on the Sunday evening and are not the children that left the evening/morning before.

STBXH doesn't do taht much with them but they get to do all the things I don't let them do like play on the XBox all day, eat shit, get away with murder etc and I then am the baddy when I won't tolerate the behaviour they come back with. STBXH is also a controlling condescending twat who tells them "this is the best food you can buy, these are the best games you can play, this is the best X/Y/Z" and makes them feel as if he is giving them the moon on a stick whereas infact he is teaching them the value of nothing". My STBXH is a cunt too!

It is a year since we split up and the realisation that I still am subjected to his awfulness only dawned on me recently, that even when we are divorced he will always be a controlling, abusive prick and although i can alter my responses/behaviour he will still treat me and the kids like shit. I am sure I will accept it after a while as the kids get older and my contact with him is less however I too wish bad things and then feel awful for feeling that way about another human being who i once loved.

Crap innit?

Latemates Mon 12-Sep-11 22:00:26

Saggy ... Maybe your ex is over compensating for such a low amount of contact. If the children could see more of the dad they would most likely have a more rounded time. But with only 1 day (and the occasional overnight) he sounds like he is trying to spoil them due to seeing so little of them. The more day to day impact both parents can have the more they will see both parents as full parents and not one as the Disney parent.

I agree smum too.... Cutting contact isn't really fair on the boys. Maybe you need mediation to get issues out. And allowing both you and their dad to have consistent and regular opportunities to parent rather than him trying to impact on them during short contact. Maybe he is an arse or maybe he just needs time to process what his current behaviour is causing.

26minutes Tue 13-Sep-11 13:03:58

Afternoon, thanks again for the replies, I'm a bit calmer today than I was yesterday.

I don't necessarily want to stop contact, just stop the way it is and the way it affects the ds's as it's really not healthy for them, emotionally and physically. Of course life would be so much easier without him around but ultimately he is their dad even if he's never acted in such a way. I find it difficult on a personal level because I really do hate him, he makes my skin crawl and I hate that indirectly he still has control over me. In a way I'm quite jealous of how DH never has to have any contact with his ex. Yes they were married but he had to find her o get her permission for the divorce but that was the 1st contact he'd had in several years and he has had none since and never needs to have contact with her again, I'd love to have that but of course big birthdays, weddings, grandchildrens birthdays etc he's still going to be there haunting me.

hairy They are 9 & 5, have been seperated from ex for 4 years so ds2 is too young to remember us all living in the same house. Both children have seen someone at CAMHS for different reasons and she has said that the change in expectations etc at home and at his is no good for ds2 especially (suspected ADHD) but says she is not allowed to get involved with courts etc. It is written extensively in ds2s notes at gp that his health is being affected by being around there (heavy smoke which gives him a bad cough and swells his tonsils up, plus fed foods that he is intolerat to so his behaviour is impossible to deal with).

Sara I know what you mean, we do to an extent, they come home at 4pm which is the latest that ex will have them to. So it's a case of dinner, bath & early to bed (they have extremely late nights so eed the extra sleep). We used to take them to the park to get the pent up energy out of them but they forget how to behave and as a result can't take them where other people may be.

privatename, that was MILs suggestion grin

Smum - He would never agree to mediation as it's 'a soft, poncey thing like counselling' in his opinion plus it would be difficult for me to be even in the same room as him. Currently I communicate with him via letter. I only phone him in an emergency, e.g. ds2 was in hospital last week so phoned him in that circumstance but other than that I have tried to do everything in writing as he has been unable to stick to whats been asked, e.g. when I requested email only unless it needed a quicker reply he would still phone and if I ignored him and texted him asking what was wrong he'd get aggressive saying I was being out of order not speaking to him. He also used to struggle keeping to texts only although has improved recently.

I'm not entirely convinced that they're not at risk though which is another big issue for me and one of the mai reasons I want to have contact altered. He and his mates smoke heavily while the boys are there, his flat is one room with only one window which I have asked hom to get a child lock on (2nd floor) and I've driven past (not spying but it's on the way home from the kebab house!) ad seen it wide open. I have stressed to the boys how vitally important it is that they stay away from the window no matter what. Because of this the boys have no escape from the smoke even when asleep, and I doubt if it's legal substances. ds2 has come back with severe, untreated burns which needed antibiotics once I took him to hospital. This resulted in a SS referral. They took none of my concerns seriously and said there was no problem. He is also up in court next week for possessio of cannabis & amphetamines. From what the boys said I think th initial charge was intent to supply but he got away with that. Solicitors are worse than useless. We are currently saving so that we can afford a better one than all the ones we have seen.

Riakin ??? confused

Saggy snap! Do we have the same ex? 48 hours of xbox etc, 48 hours of coke (6-8 litres a weekend according o ds1 and no other drinks), crap food, chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, no lunch just sweets throughout the day and then food I don't allow for dinner. I don't allow for good reason, it'sd no good for ds2, ex is aware of it as he has complained to me that he can't handle ds2s behaviour. I wrote to him with suggestions that he asked for, incl a list of foods ds2 can't have and suggestions for things that are ok for him but he seems to have got the lists the wrong way round hmm. They stay up until really late watching films in bed and suffer for it for the next couple of days. I mean, coke, sweets, x-box & late nights on tap, how do you compete with that?

Latemates - the small amount of contact is his choice. I have offered on many occasion for him to have them after school. I have sent emails telling him that if he wants to collect them after school and take them back for dinner at his to let me know. Every holiday I ask if he would like them fir longer. He has never taken me up on either offer. He has only been regular with his contact since DH moved in. Before that he would regularly let them down. At one stage he would let them down so regulrly that they only saw him about 3 times in 4 months. Guess what. They were different children, happy, healthy, well behaved, well adjusted withiut the upheaval.

I just don't know what to do for the best, it seems so unfair on them the massive change between the 2 homes but of course they love their dad and want to see him and so would be unfair to stop that, but I worry about their health, their minds, their safety while at his but don't want the resentment and upset from them if contact is stopped. confused sad

Sorry this is so long, thank you if you've managed to get through it all.

SaggyHairyArse Thu 15-Sep-11 22:56:23

Latemates, STBXH could see the kids whenever he wants as he only lives round the corner. He chooses to put his alcoholism first, his choice.

26 minutes, same here! I have just gone back to college so the kids have to go to afterschool club 3 days a week, I said to him he could pick them up from ASC any of those 3 days and have them round for tea but he is busy in the pub apparantly...

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