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How can I convince my DH that I should stay in family home with DS?

(31 Posts)
polymear Sat 10-Sep-11 18:21:52

DH wants to live apart. We may split, but we may just live apart and try to carry on as a couple. I'm pretty upset, worried how DS (6) will take it. Also I DON'T want to leave our home, DH says we should rent it out and get two separate flats. He said this was because one of us couldn't afford to stay in it on our own. So I worked out a way to stay in it financially, get a lodger etc., but now he says he doesn't want me to stay in it as he'll feel like he's been kicked out, or DS will fell like Daddy's left him. I think there'll be less upheaval for DS if he can stay on in the house he loves. Less upset for me if I can stay on in the house I love. We are seeing a counsellor next week and need to present the pros and cons of all the various living options. What arguments can I present for me and DS staying on in the family home? Is it generally thought to be good for the child to stay in the family home rather than be moved?
DH thinks we'll do 50/50 parenting, but he thinks we do 50/50 now, and it's simply not true (I do much more). I want to find concrete reasons to tell him why it's generally thought to be better if the kid stays on with the Mum in the family home, I know this is often how a spilt goes (i/e mum stays on at the home with the kids) but I don't know the reasons given for this, by the judge, child experts etc. I am desperately unhappy and distraught.

lisad123 Sat 10-Sep-11 18:24:23

surely its enough of an upheavel for ds to see you split up without having to leave his house, his bedroom, his friends and maybe school??!!

Latemates Sat 10-Sep-11 18:38:17

Would you be happy to move out and leave dad there with son. Because that is the same as expecting him to leave his son with you. When a coupe are together they both contribute to the family ie one may do more child care where as the other does more DIY or brings home the finances. When a couple break up both people will need to do each aspect of the family. So maybe he doesn't do 50% of child care now but he will be contributing 50% to the family. Maybe you do more of the child care now but less of other duties. You need to come to an arrangement which allows you both to have an equal role and say in bringing up your child separately. And the likelihood is you will need if the split becomes permanent to sell the family home so that you can afford 2 homes for you child. The child will find the split hard enough without having significantly reduced contact with either of his parents.

RandomMess Sat 10-Sep-11 18:49:47

It is in the best interests for the child to remain in the same home with the person that is main caregiver for that child.

Assuming you may get back together it seems madness to move out to then move back in. Very disruptive for the child.

It would make more sense to get a lodger in etc IMHO and review the situation on a 6 monthly basis. If you do divorce it is likely that the property will have to be sold.

ike1 Sat 10-Sep-11 19:48:47

Surely cos u r the main care giver under law u have the right to stay in the marital home until your child is 18?

workshy Sat 10-Sep-11 19:57:14

are you married or co-habiting? it does make a difference

polymear Sat 10-Sep-11 21:06:44

Hello, thank you for responses. Lisa I agree I think it'll be too much of an upheaval for DS. Latemates DH does less childcare and contributes less in all ways. He hasn't worked in two years so does not contribute financially either.
Random I agree.
Ike1 is that the case? I didn't know that.
workshy yes we are married. House is just in his name tho financially I put as much if not more money into it than him....long story

workshy Sat 10-Sep-11 21:25:26

if you are married what's his is yours etc
if you have joint bank accounts etc then you are in a very strong position, if you have seperate accounts then you will be able to prove your contribution

have you seen a solicitor as you would be entitled to a suitable place to live until your child is 18

this is usually the family home but not always -so if yours is a 2 or 3 bedroom house, a judge would usually allow you to carry on living there. If it's a 6 bed mansion then they may force the sale of the property

you really do need some professional legal advice -lots of places offer an hour free and I strongly recommend you see a solicitor before you go to any mediation, counselling etc so you know your rights before you agree to anything

good luck x

oliviasmama Sun 11-Sep-11 07:26:16

The issue for me would be why doesn't he want us to live together? Knowing that I would then determine the future for me and my child and where that would enable us to live.

gillybean2 Sun 11-Sep-11 09:49:38

If you are separating then it is none of his business where you choose to live. If you can afford to buy out his half and keep up the mortgage payments (by getting a lodger or whatever) then do it.
If this is just a trial separation it seems crazy to sell up the house and get two smaller places which surely indicates little chance of a reconcilliation.

If he wants to separate then he has to accept that ds will be affected. If he wants to leave then he should leave.
Trying to pretend the separation (and then divorce) isn't happening or not wanting to be the one who 'left' is crazy. He is the one who is leaving this will affect you all.
What matters most is how you both discuss it with ds and ensuring he has continued good and consistant contact with you both.
Put it to ds that you and dad aren't very happy living together and you make each other sad so you are going to try living in different houses for a while to see if you can be happier. Make it clear that you both love him very much and that the love a parent has for their child is a different kind of love to grown up love and that nothing he does will ever mean you leave him and that dad will still see him lots etc.

Re your stbEx - If he's not working how does he propose to pay his rent? Is he planning on using the proceeds from the sale of the house to buy himself, and you, a flat? Is he hoping to get half the WTC etc as he's going to be doing half the childcare? If so it doesn't work like that as the person who is in receipt of the child benefit is the one who can claim the WTC & CTC.

I suggest you try mediation to work out what is best for your ds ans remind him that ds's welfare is priority here, not what your stbEx decides is best for himself you all.

polymear Sun 11-Sep-11 11:04:13

Thanks everyone. Workshy I did have a free one hour sesh with a lawyer. Unless we are divorcing he says it's a private matter for us to decide between us. But advised how it would likely be if we did divorce. It is a 3 bed house.
Olivia he doesn't want to live together as we argue too much and I "wind him up"
Gilly he says it's not definitely going to end in divorce; It's to see if we get on better living apart. He's not proposing selling the house, just renting it out..

mamas12 Sun 11-Sep-11 11:35:55

Well he wants it all his own way doesn't he.
He is the one who has decided to 'separate' so really he should move out temporarily to see how it goes
That is obvioulsy the least impactful way on your ds and if he can't see that he is being really selfish.

It is none of his business what you decide to do as a result of his wanting to do this, you are doing the damage limitations and you are thinking the right way by keeping everything together re: staying and keeping things as stable as poss for your ds.

Good luck with the counsellor.

whiteandnerdy Sun 11-Sep-11 11:55:39

If your relationship is either going through a very rough patch, or it's reaching it's end then accusing each other of who's fault it is seems pointless. If one or both of you is deeply unhappy in the relationship, it seems stupid to add to that unhappyness the guilt of "it's because of YOUR unhappyness this is happening." Instead of the support of a relationship one of you will reach out to someone else for the emotional support rather than your partner. Then your left in a situation where someone in the relationship has an affair.

Moving out of the house and renting it seems a bloody odd way of trying to improve a relationship. Maybe try marriage counseling, Relate or something similar, be it to understand what can be done to improve your relationship, or be it to realise that the relationship is over and you need to part on good terms as it's going to be much better for your DS.

polymear Sun 11-Sep-11 12:15:04

mamas Thanks I agree. I wanted to know how to explain to him that DS staying in the house with me will have the least impact on him, as DH says he is primarily concerned with what is best for DS. How do judges explain that this course of action is best for the child? Is there any evidence I can quote showing him it is best? As just me saying it's best for DS doesn't convince DH....
white and need am I accusing him? Not sure what yr getting at. Explain. Yes I'm not sure how renting out the house will repair our relationship, though I cans see some space from each other might help (DH has been home unemployed for two years and we've driven each other mad)

gillybean2 Sun 11-Sep-11 12:49:57

Seems to me he's telling you it won't end in divorce so he can get everything in place financially etc so when he does spring it on you that he wants a divorce he has it set up how he likes and to his advantage. eg you are both in separate places so it is sensible to sell the house and halve the money rather than you moving back to the now rented out house with ds.

Exactly what does he see happening with this separation? You're meant to be in limbo? together but not together. So he wants you to be hanging around for him in case he changes his mind ever meaning you can't move on and/or look for love elsewhere... Sorry I don't buy it. He is being very clever imo.

Very few people would suggest separation while remaining together intending for it to be that way for the rest of their lives. And if he wants you both to have separate places then he does not have reconciliation on the cards any time soon now does he...

Seems to me has a carefully worked out plan and is attempting to get what he wants by stealth. But only you know him. Do you think he would do something like that?
Be very careful here in what you do and don't agree too. Because he may well have his own agenda which is about minimising him being the 'bad guy' and all about making sure he comes out of this better off all round without really thinkong about what is right and vbest for your ds...

I would suggest you tell him to leave if he wants to leave and that you aren't moving out of the house because it is ds's home and he needs stability at this time. I would also be setting up a personal bank account if you don't already have one and ensuring that he can't empty any joint accounts or rack up bills in your orjoint names.

gillybean2 Sun 11-Sep-11 12:52:27

Oh and make sure your child benefit and wtc/ctc gets paid to your private account, not a joint account if that is not already the case.

If he questions this tell him that separated people don't have joint bank accounts and you have to ensure ds's financial security...

polymear Sun 11-Sep-11 13:44:52

Gilly he doesn't have a plan; he just can't stand the rowing anymore. Maybe we won't get back together but we've always got to co-parent our ds.

whiteandnerdy Sun 11-Sep-11 14:30:26

Sorry poly ... the initial try and avoid the blame game was in response to mamas12 post, about being your DH being selfish and if he's the one that's unhappy in the relationship he should be the one who moves out. I can understand where the sentiment comes from, "if someone wants to live appart then they should make it happen themselves." But on the other hand a marriage should be where you support each other, hence maybe talking to Relate or some other counciling service may ... MAY help to put things on the table where you both stand, and allow you to make actions to deal with what the actual issues are and you both agreeing on what would be best for all concerned.

mamas12 Sun 11-Sep-11 14:31:15

polymear you really need to get some legal advice and knowledge so you are in a position of power so to speak.
Phone womeans aid or try to get a free half hour solicitors appointment.
You do not have to do anything he says and you do not have to tell him everything you are doingUnfortunately it is going to be all separate now.
I defo second making sure all bank accounts are secure.

polymear Sun 11-Sep-11 14:35:05

Hi,
I've had an hours free legal advice as I said in an earlier post. Until it's a divorce what we decide is a private matter between the two of us according to the lawyer.
And we ARE going to a see a counsellor, hence why I'm asking how to present my argument to him as next week I'll have to present the pros and cons of staying at the house with DS to him in front of the counsellor.

mamas12 Sun 11-Sep-11 14:42:46

yes a dificult time wish you well

gillybean2 Sun 11-Sep-11 14:54:11

Ok so arguments you may want to use, in no particular order:

He is the one who wants to leave, so he should leave.

Why should you move just because he wants to leave.

You and ds shouldn't be forced to leave your home because of his decisions, it is not your decision.

If you are separated he no longer has a say in where you choose to live.

You have worked out that you can afford to keep the place on your own once he moves out and that is what you want and lan to do.

Until you know what the long term decision is re your relationship you are not happy to move out/sell/rent the place out.

Suggesting you find separate accomodation and renting out the house is basically saying he doesn't see the relationshiphaving a future so if that is the case he should be up front and honest on that. Moving out reduces any scope for a reconciliation from your point of view. So what is the point in relationship councelling exactly if he has already decided it is over...

ds will be unsettled and confused wnough by this. Dad moving out will be more than enough to deal with for now. He doesn't need his who world turned upside down further by moving house, possibly changing schools etc

Home is close to xyz (school/family/work etc) and is therefore convient.

The whole situation is stressful enough without the prospect of moving house. Ds is being affected by the stress and arguing already, you don't want to pile more stress and upset into and already difficult situation for you all.

You will review the situation in 6/12 months once you have spent some time at councelling and he decides what he wants to do (separate/divorce or try and make it work). Maybe things will be clearer by then but while the future has no direction you are not prepared to move.

Ds will get confused if you move out to be separate and then decide to move back in together. So him moving out is one thing, but to also them move him out while you don't know if that is a temporary or permanent thing is not acceptable to you believe this will confuse and upset ds.

polymear Sun 11-Sep-11 14:59:48

Thank you Mama and Gilly lots of good pointers

ImperialBlether Sun 11-Sep-11 15:48:49

Could all of this be resolved if he just got a job? It must be hard on both of you if he's unemployed.

Does he always take your child to school and pick him up? You say he does less than 50% of the caring - does he just stop doing anything when you get in from work?

polymear Sun 11-Sep-11 16:24:44

Imperial yes I don't think it would have come to this if he had a job. He doesn't drop DS off but sometimes collects him.

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