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Mix up or passive aggressive behaviour from exH?

(5 Posts)
piellabakewell Wed 31-Aug-11 23:18:47

DD1 is 14 today. We have a weekly routine of the girls going to his from Thursday evening to Saturday morning (or Sunday pm alternate weekends). He emailed me a calendar showing dates from August until January for us to agree weekends and highlight other arrangements/commitments that we need to factor in. This is our usual practice since we began living separately 18m ago. We only communicate to make arrangements for the children and don't see or speak to each other at pick up or drop off times.

I noticed on the calendar that he has arranged to go to a concert on DD2's 12th birthday in October (her birthday is on a Monday). I asked DD1 what she wanted to do about her birthday. I am not working this week, but her dad is. She said that she wanted to spend the evening of her birthday at home, which she has done. She also said that she'd like to see her dad during the day but I said it was a working day for him. We agreed that she'd go over to his tomorrow afternoon. I sent the calendar back to exH, including the arrangements for this week. He didn't make any response.

At 9.20pm I had a text from him saying "Why didn't DD1 come over for her presents?" I haven't replied. I have reminded her lots of times today to find her phone and get it charged up as she probably has birthday texts or messages. She finally did this at about 10.30. There was a text from her dad, all she told me was that dad has a birthday cake for her.

Is he implying I have somehow kept her away from him on her birthday? She has not phoned him, he has not phoned her to my knowledge although as I said, her phone was off until late this evening. She could have phoned him on my phone or the home phone though, and he could have tried both of those numbers too. We only live 2.5 miles apart.

I haven't asked her whether she made any arrangements to go over to his house today, surely she would have mentioned it if this was the case. I just have a feeling this is all going to blow up in my face.

STIDW Thu 01-Sep-11 00:07:01

I really wouldn't try to guess what he is implying, you simply don't know, and I would leave the ball in your ex's court. Practicalities are best dealt with separately from the emotions, using a counsellor if necessary.

If it does "blow up in your face" good strategies for dealing with conflict are to focus on your own behaviour eg maintain physical and emotional boundaries; don't denigrate your ex; take time to formulate responses rather than reacting (I used to wait at least a week before replying to my ex!); separate the problem from any hot air; identifying possible solutions and go through through them weighing the pros and cons to find the best one.

Vibrant Thu 01-Sep-11 09:17:54

Why don't you talk about these things? It sounds like maybe you were expecting one thing to happen and he was expecting something else. Or maybe he'd invited her over by text or something? I'm not sure he's saying you've kept her away from him though, just that he thought he was going to see her. Or is there a whole background here that I don't know about?

cestlavielife Thu 01-Sep-11 10:10:12

she is 14 so makes her own arrangemetns right?
i think you need to keep out of it - if she didnt see the message or whatever, she just says sorri dad i didnt see the message.

not sure what it has to do with the other birthday in october though??

at this age they old enough to sort out specific arrangements on the day with dad - telling/asking you as appropriate

cestlavielife Thu 01-Sep-11 10:11:43

treat it as mix up. nothing more.

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