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help. should i tell xp what a crap dad he is? so angry and confused.

(7 Posts)
JillyArmeen Wed 31-Aug-11 22:18:08

my xp moved abroad 4 months ago hasnt seen or spoken to 2yo ds the whole time. ds still remembers and talks about his dad. had 2 messages over the weekend both without mention of ds even tho xp knows we have been on holiday to visit his mum. does he really not give a shit? im so angry i feel like telling him what an idiot i think he is and not to bother asking about ds or ever coming back to see him. on the other hand so far i have just ignored and partly think this is what he wants me to say so he can blame me for not seeing ds even tho i have never stopped contact and actually made it easy for him believing it best for ds to have a relationship with his dad

corlan Wed 31-Aug-11 22:32:42

Of course you should tell him, and tell him straight.

Tell him that if he is harming his son by ignoring him. Tell his mum and everyone that knows him that he has not bothered with his child, so that he cannot play the martyr.If he has any shame, it may encourage him to keep in closer contact with his child.

He has a responsibility towards his son. What sort of human being creates a child and then leaves and never bothers with the child? It's disgusting behaviour.However, don't say he can't see his son again - however crap he is as a parent, you are right to leave the door open for him - who knows, one day your ex may grow up and stop being such a tosser.

JillyArmeen Wed 31-Aug-11 22:49:16

thank you. so far i have felt like im rising above it by ignoring but im so angry i think i do need to tell him. partly hoping he just doesnt bother in future as hes not the most positive role model as an alcoholic. i just want the least damage done to ds as possible and i cant force him to call or have contact. also worried that telling him about himself will start a barrage of abuse back in my direction as has happened before. he hasnt sent me a penny towards ds either

cestlavielife Wed 31-Aug-11 23:01:43

dnt bother. he is an alcoholic. both of you better off without him

corlan Wed 31-Aug-11 23:11:26

I think you owe it to your son to tell your XP how badly he's failing his child.After that, there's nothing you can do - as you say, you can't force contact.Ignore any abuse you get - you're the one that's stood by your child and raising him with no support. Your XP has no right to say anything to you.

Your XP should be paying to help support his child, whether he sees him or not.I'm sure there are other people on MN that know how to chase support from a parent that lives overseas - hopefully someone can give you some advice.

STIDW Thu 01-Sep-11 01:05:47

Keep rising above it. Nothing to be gained by telling your ex. Human nature is such that blaming someone will be cause resentment and resistance compounding the problem.

If your ex won't agree to pay child maintenance the Child Support Agency usually has no jurisdiction over child support when one parent lives abroad and you would need to apply to court for child maintenance. There are arrangements with many other countries for enforcing payments.

If the country concerned isn't a REMO (Reciprocal Enforcement of Maintenance Orders) country and your ex has no property or bank account in the UK it could be difficult enforcing the order until he returns the UK. It's still worth applying for an order otherwise you cannot claim arrears which may mount up to a considerable amount over time.

JillyArmeen Fri 02-Sep-11 20:21:33

thanks all for the advice has calmed me down abit. i have decided to ignore xp and contact csa. so hard to know what to do for the best. just want as little damage done to ds as possible with him being gone and maybe coming and going at a later stage.

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