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Looking for help from DS's Dad

(13 Posts)
HystericalMe Wed 31-Aug-11 09:57:29

My DS's Dad wants it all his way.

He wanted so badly to be a Dad. But then he wanted me to take responsiblity of running the household and financing everything. And treat him like a pampered little prince. And now we're apart, he wants to get to see his son when it's convenient to him and mess me around every step of the way.

I have to pay some money for breakfast club and after school club and he says he wont help because i have broken up with him, (over a year ago) he is laughing at me because I am asking him for help. Over the summer holidays he has been very irritating, texting me to say he would like to see DS and 30 minutes later texting to say actually he is too busy. This is usually doing favours for his sister because when I speak to him he is usually at the shops.

He calls me and hangs up, expecting me to call him back. He laughs at me when I say I know he has money, he gets cash in hand for subletting his flat. He says he doesn't have enough money and I wouldn't get my son's Dad into trouble.

So what do I do? Do I keep letting him wind me up, push and mess me and DS around? Have everything his way? Put me in a bad mood every single day he decides to send me a text or email gloating or moaning or fussing around making plans i know he wont keep?

cestlavielife Wed 31-Aug-11 10:20:25

he is winding you up.

set your boundaries.

dont answer phone or texts unless t is specifically about arangements or emergency. let him leave a message - if it is urgent you will get it soon enough.

write an email setting out schedule for contact and point out it is better for DS if this is stuck to.

go to CSA for proper maintenance and is tough but if he manipulates the sytem eg cash in hand there is little you can do - other than report to HMRC...

you need to ignore ignore texts - to start with do not repond to any text for at least 30 minutes. or whatever time he usually takes to change his mind. then consider - does this actually require a response? is it a yes or no question?

let him know that this is your proposed schedule to see DS when where etc and that any other
arrangements to see DS should be made with 24 hour notice. otherwise it not fair on DS. dont make it about you.

what he does for his sister is none of your business - but if he does give 24 notice to his DS then hs shoulds tick to it - however you and DS will soon know whether to trust him or not -always have alternative plans.

HystericalMe Wed 31-Aug-11 10:38:10

So how can I draw up a schedule with him?

I can't stop him from turning up at his school and picking him up (i can foresee him refusing to help pay for afterschool club and breakfast club and then turning up at 3.30 and taking him home)

gillybean2 Wed 31-Aug-11 11:16:04

I assume you use breakfast and after school club as you work. If you are a lone parent and working you should get help with your childcare costs if they are Ofstead regsitered (which they should be if attached to school)

So you can get help of up to 70% of your child care costs if you apply via your WTC/CTC claim. Look into this as soon as possible. You should also be able to claim some level of WTC and CTC unless you are on quite a sizeable salary.

If the afterschool & breakfast clubs aren't ofstead registered then you may be better off finding a child minder who is.

Ex should be paying maintenance towards ds. Even those on IS pay £5 a week. It is one of his responsibilities as a parent to financially support his ds. Sadly some NRP use maintenance to get back at their ex and think they are hurting their ex by with-holding it without thinking of the inpact on tehir dc.

If he isn't declaring his income from his flat (is he even allowed to sublet it?) they you can inform HMRC that he has undeclared income. If the landlord isn't aware he is subletting then maybe you should bring that to their attention. If it is a council property they won't be impressed at all.

He is not witholding money from you but from his ds. It is your responsibility as a parent to ensure ds is provided for, and that includes ensuring your ex pays his share towards his upbringing. So don't buy into his guilt trip that you won't get him in to trouble because it would 'harm' ds.

By not contributing he is harming ds more, and you won't be any worse off that you are now by reporting him to the relevant authorities.

Re contact you don't have to get him to agree. Set out a reasonable suggestion of contact, stress to him the importantce to ds of regular contact, and ask him to confirm he agrees to your suggestion and give him a timeline to respond.
If he is not happy with it ask him why (maybe work commitments etc you are not aware of) and what he propses instead.

If you can't agree then suggestion mediation as a way to deal with it.

Don't agree to last minute or ad hoc plans, ask him to stick to the agreement and if he won't then he misses his contact. Yes it can be hard oon your ds, but if you don't tell him his dad is coming then he won't get upset if he doesn't show up.
Until you put your foot down and make a stand for your ds's sake then he will keep messing you about.

Make sure you put your proposal in writting,, keep it factual and unemotional and keep a copy so you can show you have been reasonable and are not withholding contact should you need too. From what you say I doubt he would take it to court though.

cestlavielife Wed 31-Aug-11 11:21:15

if he wants to pick him up on say tuesdays and wednesdays he needs to tell you and agree - so you dont pay club on those days.

so you could set out in an email -that those are his days and he can pick up at 3.,30 or book and pay for after school club on thoese days. becomes his repsonsibility.

"i would like to sugges that what might work for Ds is that you pick him up from school on tuesdays and thursdays at 3.30 pm. each week. if you are unable to for any reason it would then be up to you to arrange and pay for after school club on those days. "

maybe you couldl sit with a mediator to agree a schedule you both happy with?? but you need first of all to suggest a schedule you think would be good for DS first -so he has that to think over.

be proactive - write a schedule for next three months which wouldl work for DS offering your ex set days and times to be with DS and say "this is a starting point -please let me know what you think"

so : school weeks mon tues wed thurs fri who picks up from school time and so on (noting that if he wants to book and pay for after school club those days he can)
weekends - who has him which weekend - form friday or from sat ? return when? school on monday morning or sunday evening? etc.

half term - what are teh arrangemetns?
that takes you to xmas too - who wil have him when?

is much better for DC if they know eactly when then seeing dad and mum. get a routine going.

if he breaks the agreed routine then keep this reocrded in case you need it alter...

cestlavielife Wed 31-Aug-11 11:21:25

later even

cestlavielife Wed 31-Aug-11 11:24:58

pos if his repsonse is "you cannot dictate when i will see my son i will see him when i like!" etc then dont respond saying "i xxxxxx"-

just say - "a routine is best for DS. and all of us. this is what I propose. let me know which days dont work for you or other changes so we can discuss"

mummytime Wed 31-Aug-11 12:02:10

You can inform the school you are no longer together and not give him permission to just "pick up" your son.
Have you talked to CAB? Had a free half-hour consultation with a solicitor?

HystericalMe Wed 31-Aug-11 12:38:47

I haven't talked to CAB although I've tried emailing companies about mediation. I'm not sure what CAB could do for me, or a solicitor. I suppose I could tell the school this, but then they'd have to remember what days he is allowed to pick DS up. Plus security at the school is quite relaxed, not like in some schools, especially at home time. DS starts school for the first time next week, so I'll see how that goes. Thanks. smile

gillybean2 Wed 31-Aug-11 13:20:16

CAB or a solicitor will be able to tell you your rights and what he can and can't do. Information gives you power and the ability to stand up for yourself and for your ds.

Primary school won't let a KS1 child out of school without someone to collect them. If you don't want anyone other than you collecting him, and you think ex will turn up, tell the school teh sitaution and ask that they not to hand ds over to him without you being aware that it is happening before they do it.

If he has PR then he can insist school hand him over. But they won't do this without contacting you first and asking for his proof that he has PR.

The best way to avoid it is to never be late for collection. Because if you are there he can't simply take him. And if he is there and things look like they may kick off simply take ds back into school and avoid him.

HystericalMe Wed 31-Aug-11 15:53:31

Not being late for collection when I work full time and he works weekends? Difficult. I can try CAB. Thanks.

acrunchieandacupoftea Sun 23-Oct-11 10:08:37

Well apparently the school will let him pick up DS unless there is a court order against it!

ChocHobNob Sun 23-Oct-11 11:10:24

As long as he has Parental Responsibility, they cannot stop him. All they can do is contact you at the time and tell you what he is doing.

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