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is this unreasonable ?

(5 Posts)
Seth Tue 30-Aug-11 21:23:57

another thread prompted me to ask this question.
Ex and I do alternate weekends with DD - 4 but not DS as he has only just turned 1- he just has him in the day instead. As it stands there are no overnights in the week as he can't have them to stay where he is at the moment - but this will change when he does.
We do Christmas / holidays on an ad hoc basis - childminder just had 2 weeks off and we pretty much shared them give or take a day or 2. It's the one thing we seem to be able to agree on surprisingly but actually our communication is rubbish mainly as I am still so annoyed with him what what he did - but the access things is fine.
Anyway money v tight but my mum has just suggested she take us all away for christmas abroad. I would dearly love to go - it would give us all a break, change of scenery which we all really need... But it would be a week (due to flights etc ) probably going the day before C Eve and back a week later. I have no idea how he will react to this. I mean I actually understand that he would want to see them either on the day or boxing day and the few days afterwards but I would so so dearly love for us all to go away.I have recently gone back to work in a stressful job after Mat leave and would love for us all to go.
I know the only way for me to suss him out is to have the conversation with him but I just wondered if anyone else had had this? Or is it a given that you can't do things like this to make it fair for everyone. Any experiences or opinions very welcomed thanks confused

MittzyTheVixen Tue 30-Aug-11 21:51:49

My thoughts would be to broach it with him, be open and fair, and state that he will get the DC's next Christmas to balance it out.

I can understand you wanting a break with the DC's and personally Christmas isn't a big deal to me so I would be OK if my Ex suggested it, but it is to some people and he might struggle with it.

The kids will also have to accept that they won't see their Daddy around the actual Christmas Time. Not a criticism, just something to consider.

MrGin Wed 31-Aug-11 08:41:47

I echo Mittzy's feelings.

You obviously have to broach the subject with him, but better to frame it terms of if you agree to X , next year you can have Y.

I imagine people do alternate Christmas anyway. I assume you'd be fine with not seeing the DC next year.

balia Wed 31-Aug-11 11:06:20

I think as a rule of thumb, the motto for stuff like this should be 'ask, don't tell'. Explain what you'd like to do, give him time to think about it, and make suggestions about making up the time. Be aware that, as others have said, he might see this as setting a precedent - so he may feel that every other christmas he has them for the week. I'd also look into alternatives - unless your mum has already booked her week and you have to fit in? Maybe you could join her for 4 days or something as a compromise?

gillybean2 Wed 31-Aug-11 11:27:26

Offer him the days before you go away and some time on your return to give him equal or maybe sligntly more time with them. And point out that at some point in the future he may well want to take the dc to visit relations over xmas too.

Will he be able to talk/skype with them while you are away?

An issue may be that the week before xmas would have to be taken as holiday. Whereas the time you are away will include bank holidays so you won't be using so much holiday. So he may not feel it fair from that point of view.
Would you be back by New Year and will he have them then (or does he have plans to go out and celebrate get drunk and so not be impressed with that 'compromise'?)

Is Easter important to you/him? Suggest he has them easter weekend so he can have some bank holiday time with them, and look at alternating these in the coming years.

Ultimately remember that if he agrees to this he will expect the same from you at some point. Are you going to be happy with him taking your dc away for a week over and including xmas & boxing day? If you are not then you can't expect him to agree to it either.
If he does agree then ensure he knows you realise that this is a big deal and try and make it as easy as you can for him.

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