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I want to meet the ow, but she won't meet me....

(9 Posts)
globalmouse Mon 29-Aug-11 14:10:26

3 years ago, I kicked exh out for having an affair.
It's a long story, which I don't want to have to recount in all the gory details. After lots of break ups with her, he is still with her now.
I have dealt with all of this, am really happy in my life now, and for a long time have thought we should all try to get on for the sake of ds. Never in all the time have I 'confronted' ow. Exh was also abusive, which is why I am so happy now without him and would not want to be back with him! For a long time, I've had enough of all the post-affair shit, and it's much better for ds if we all get on, and tbh I know what she is probably going through with exh. And anyway, it's been 3 years!!
I have met ow twice, about 6 months ago. It was difficult, but I was friendly, and we got on ok, there was no aggro, she actually said that if we had met in different circumstances we would probably be friends. But we haven't met again since, and apparently she won't meet me again.
I strongly suspect that exh is telling her a load of lies about me and so she thinks I am out to cause trouble and split them up. (Exh has quite a history of lying about a lot of things since we broke up, not just to me, but to friends and about ow, what he is doing and all sorts, so I have no doubt he lies to her too).
Anyway, I think it's long past the time that we should all be getting along. It would be so much better for ds if we can be seen to all get on, and I really want to faciliate that. I was meant to be going round there today, to see ds's room there as he has wanted me to for months, but I got a text from exh saying that ow doesnt want me there. I did text her to say I am not out to cause any trouble, I want us all to get on, and I got a text back from him saying I had ruined his day now. Nothing back from her.
Any ideas how I can do this? Or shall I just give up?

BoscoIsMyLover Mon 29-Aug-11 14:16:01

I would give it up tbh its reallynot worth it. Of course the best thing for your DS is for you to all get along but thats not going to happen. The best you can now do is be courteous, polite, hand over DS when he is going to his dads and go off and enjoy your day. Your ex is creating this drama, and loving it no doubt so take yourself out of arguments, stop texting the OW and contact your ex when it relates to your son.

hairylights Mon 29-Aug-11 18:53:20

Give up it's not worth it. You can't force the issue so it's a waste of energy carrying on.

gillybean2 Thu 01-Sep-11 10:09:10

If you do meet try and do it somewhere neutral. If you went to their house you wouldn't just be seeing ds's room and she may not feel comfortable with you in her space as it were.

By pushing it gives credance to anything he's told her about you being nasty or aggresive to her. She must be wondering why you are so determined to meet.

My ex terrified me with sories of how manic his ex was, how she would shout and yell and may even attack me. He told me stories of a hate campaign she had waged on a neighbour and a work colleague where she wrote annonymous letters to their work and made all kinds of alligations against them. My priority wsa to protect ds and keep him, and myself, away from such a person. So he could honestly tell her that I was refusing to meet her...

If he's anything like my ex he probably wants to keep you apart because he doesn't want you ganging up on him, becoming friends or at least friendly and swapping stories on how crap he is , or finding out he's lied to you both.

He doesn't want her to see that actually you are a nice person and not a bitter and twisted witch.

You can't do anything about this. She will have to come round in her own time. It may never happen.

chubbasmum Thu 01-Sep-11 23:59:01

op i wouldnt even bother if i were you no matter what you do and say you will always be the baddie afterall you are an ex `you are the enemy` she will believe what her husband tells her could be the nastiest of all lies

Gonzo33 Fri 02-Sep-11 05:31:46

My exh used to tell me all sorts about his gf not wanting to meet me, being a complete bitch etc etc. He told her the same about me. Used to tell each of us that we were slagging each other off. Then one day I called his home because our DS was ill and couldn't go to his home. His gf picked up the telephone. We were talking to each other for an hour! Exh went ballistic when he found out because he'd been rumbled (after 8 years). Now neither of us pay much heed to anything he says, although I know she is not really that keen on having our ds as well, because her boy and him don't get on very well.

globalmouse Fri 02-Sep-11 13:37:42

Thanks for your responses. It makes me sad that ds can't have that cohesiveness in his life between his parents, but I also know it's his dads fault not mine.
Absolutely, he doesn't want us to be friends, I imagine he's told her so many lies about me, to justify his awful behaviour towards me in the past (after I found out his affair). Hopefully one day it will all come together for ds's sake. So I will leave it.

vigglewiggle Fri 02-Sep-11 13:48:04

It would be great if you could all get along and be civil in front of your DS. However you and your Ex are clearly never going to get along, so he obviously sees the prospect of you and the OW getting on as a threat to his position, especially if he is treating the ow as he treated you. Therefore he is going out of his way to ensure it will never happen.

Give up on the idea, but all credit to you for trying. smile

carlywurly Sun 04-Sep-11 15:44:00

globalmouse, I am in a spookily similar situation to you. I can't decide what to do either so am leaving contact for the moment. I think it's such a hard one to navigate and normal social rules just go out of the window where so much emotion is involved.

I hate that I know nothing about the dc's weekend lives. It feels really unnatural when I care for them alone 90% of the time. I've accepted that the situation isn't of my making, and have to come to terms with that. DP has always made an effort to chat briefly to XH on the few occasions they've met, and that really throws XH, as he obviously isn't comfortable with the same level of courtesy on the other side.

I do sympathise. It's a horrid position to be in.

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