Contact and Drugs - WWYD (Also posted in legal)

[Gonzo33]

I found out yesterday that my exh has been using cannabis in front of, and whilst in charge of, our ds during his summer leave contact. DS is 10, and has not long done a drugs and alcohol awareness at school so knows exactly what he is saying.

What do I do? We currently live in another country so it is not as simple as saying he can only have supervised contact.

The contact order rubber stamped by the court says that I have to make DS available for contact, do I just say to the exh that he can have contact here until we go back to UK (next year at some point) and then arrange some sort of supervised access there?

DS was very disappointed in his df and was very crestfallen on the telephone.

[GypsyMoth]

Ds is almost of an age where he could refuse access if he wanted? Would he?

[Gonzo33]

He has refused to go until this summer leave. Prior to that he saw his DF last summer leave. I think it is quite possible that he will come back and say he wants nothing to do with him (he has intimated as such to my parents already).

[cestlavielife]

then just let ds decide - there isnt much contact anyway?
and ds is old enough to not need os much in way of care and if he knows why not to dod rugs and is well balanced enough he wont follow in his dad's footsteps

[Gonzo33]

Thanks cestlavielife I know you are not asking me to explain, but I will. Exh has been promising to come here and see DS so he can have a holiday and DS can see him at the same time. DS didn't want to fly back because of 2 reasons. 1. He didn't want to fly on his own and 2. He got narked because his DF works the while time he is there and he never gets any one on one time with him.

So far I have been following DS's lead, so I may just carry on that way.

[cestlavielife]

my friend's dd 9 always went off to dad's country during holidays (flying as unaccompaniesd minor on BA) - she also now at age where she complaining she goes there and dad is always working andshe ends up in kids camp/with relatives etc. so maybe is natural as they get older to want to say look dad - i will come so long as you spend time with me. otherwise what is the point?
so maybe a shorter time but spent actually with dad makes more sense eg a long weekend.

and by 9, 10 - well they old enough to begin sitting with dad and deciding together what they want and how to manage it - becomes less about you and dad dictating to child as they grow older but dad and child resolving the issue....

sometimes parents dot get it that the child is growing up tho do they?

[cestlavielife]

dont get it - my exP's friend (bad influence!) had fall out with his oldest ds - and was still complaining when the ds was 18 that DS didnt want to see him saying things like "he is my son and if i say he should see me then he will because i say so!" naturally this turned son off even more.... sad to witness.

[Gonzo33]

Yes, my DS also complains of being dumped at DF's relatives, so it must be an age thing. I am not going to force it as much as exh wants me to.