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Newly Single please help me decide (Long sorry)

(18 Posts)
EvaLongoria Mon 22-Aug-11 21:48:00

Hi All

I have recently split from my husband and really at a crossroads as to what to do right by my kids and myself.

I have 2 DD's. DD1 is almost 4 and DD2 is 4 months. H and I separated when DD1 was 18 months old to give us space to work on our marriage as he started smoking weed and ended up being very aggressive meaning we argued constantly. Once he had to move out he realised that we were his first priority and not weed, friends and partying. I did find something out during our separation that really hurt me alot and had a little breakdown. A month or so after we decided to work on our marriage but he still stayed in his own flat. After 7/8 months he moved back in and soon after I fell pregnant. During the time that he didnt live with me and after he moved back in. H was the gentleman that I married. A family man. He was just lovely. He was excited about the baby (something he really wanted). A month before due date I realised money disappearing. 2 weeks before due date he admitted that he started using Cocaine.

I was really very badly hurt and upset especially knowing that we had a new baby on the way. The fact that we got back together after the initial separation. He said that he only been using it 2 months and as long as I make sure he doesnt have access to money he could kick the habit. Tried that. I had access to his bank acc and changed his debit card pin. Cut up credit card. He would then go into bank showing prood of ID and withdraw hundreds of pounds making us short and sometimes not being able to pay the rent.

So since new baby arrived we had ups and downs trying to deal with it. He even caused a terrible argument after I told him we could not afford a holiday this year as he spend all of our little savings we had before DD2 was born. He then took money from his salary "booked" a holiday which was suppose to be a surprise for my birthday last month. Birthday arrived, no card, no present, no holiday and then finally admitted that he never quit using cocaine. (Just to add he got banned from driving for 12 months when DD2 was 6 weeks.) So not even being able to drive stopped him from using C.

At the end of July he then did the ultimate. He surprisingly got paid a day before paypay (normally last working day of the month), cleared his account and disappeared for few days. Called the Sunday eve before he was due back at work and wanted to come home. I obviously refused. His parents gave me lots of hassle because they paid my rent but I didnt want him to stay there and then actually told me if they knew that I werent gonna let him stay at the house they could have used the rent money to pay for a bedsit for him. I now obviously wants nothing to do with his parents. I am not British and my parents or any family is not nearby. Even though I know quite a few people in this area through DD1 its just that "superficial" friends. We only meet for playdates and thats it. No one I can talk to. Since the start of the holidays I have been on my own.

A friend of mine lives 1:30 - 2 hours away and she really wants to help me and say that I should move nearby to her. My parents wants me home. I feel that as much as a ass my H is I cant punish my DD's by now allowing them to see their dad at all. I am tempted to move near my friend. I dont know anyone there. She is slightly younger then me in a professional job, have a partner no kids. her friends , etc are the same social status.
1. Do I move there and start from scratch and hopefully make new friends and maybe try and see if I can finish the last 3 modules at a local college instead of staying here where I will definitely have childcare issues.
2. Do I stay here because my DD needs something familiar as her dad no longer live here, I was forced to rehome her 2 rabbits as really could not cope looking after them. When she returns to nursery she will have the same nursery teachers there as all her best friends are starting school.
3. H will only see the girls if I cook for him. I refuse to because he left us with not a penny and I had someone help me financially until at least their CTC came through. He is totally broke so only saw them thrice this month (the 3 times that I agreed to feed him).
4. His family is sick and tired of him and therefore we are being punished as well as they refuse to see me and the girls so therefore also see no reason to staying.

What is the best?
Sorry for writing such a long post but might have missed out a lot just to keep it as short as possible. But please please help as I am slowly losing my mind. Its been a long summer holiday and I have been stressed since my baby was born in the spring.
Thanks for getting to the end.

EvaLongoria Mon 22-Aug-11 22:19:18


fumblebuck Mon 22-Aug-11 22:28:43

My god, he sounds like an abusive arsehole. I don't have any answers I'm afraid but I think you're doing the right thing by you and your DCs. Unfortunately, from the sounds of him, I reckon it's probably not appropriate for your DCs to spend time with him... I'd call Women's Aid if I were you and get some support and advice. There's also a good website called rightsforwomen. You might find some useful pointers there.

I would go for option number 1 if I were you. It sounds like you're best chance at a decent life for you and your DCs. Yes, it might be hard on them at first but they will adapt and as long as they have a happy Mum, they'll be OK. Kids need their Mums to be happy...

fumblebuck Mon 22-Aug-11 22:29:57

Sorry, "it sounds like your best chance ...", not 'you're'.

Dalrymps Mon 22-Aug-11 22:32:02

Oh Eva, I can't believe how well you are coping considering all he has put you through. I am absolutely disgusted at his behaviour and treatment of you sadangry

I am most disgusted at the not seeing his dd's unless you feed him, excuse me but how bloody dare he demand such privileges and make up the rules when all he thinks about is himself?! He knows you are decent and want to do right by your dd's, he is basically emotionally blackmailing you in to feeding him so your dd's can see their daddy. Totally not on angry
I can't tell you what to do with your life but I what I will say is that it's time to stop thinking about any of his needs and just concentrate on your happiness and the girls happiness. You've been through quite enough and have to protect yourselves emotionally now from his distractive and distrespecful behaviour.

I know you've tried so hard to keep your family together but I think there comes a point when its clear you have tried hard enough ad this is it. He's not worth it because it's obvious he's not concerned how his behaviour affects you or his daughters.

I can't believe you have had to deal with all this whilst pregnant and having a newborn babysad

Sorry if this is a bit of a rant but I'm just so angry on your behalf. Things will get better,just remember, we are all here for you, anytime xx

Dalrymps Mon 22-Aug-11 22:36:40

Distructive not distractive!

ThereGoesTheFear Mon 22-Aug-11 22:59:23

What a lot you've been through. You're doing amazingly well dealing with the fall-out from this prick of a man, with almost no support. His family sound just as bad as him, tbh. (Punishing their grandchildren by not seeing them! Paying the rent only because they thought your H would be coming back! shock )

My main advice to you would be to remain strong and to never have this awful man back. (Sounds like you don't need this advice, thankfully.)

Your children are young, and will adjust to change, but they will definitely benefit from you being strong and happy and supported. If you'd be better off closer to your family, then so would they. How much can they benefit from seeing a man who has only shown up to get a meal? angry How supportive are your family? Would they be a positive influence in your DC's lives?

I don't know the details of your college course, but could you transfer to a college closer to your family? Is it feasible to complete the course and then move?

(I was in a similar situation, DCs similar ages a few months ago and chose to move closer to my family. Not the right decision for everyone, but it has worked for me. You can PM me if you want to.)

FloriaTosca Mon 22-Aug-11 23:09:40

OMG Eva sad Those of us who know you know how strong you were during your first separation and were thrilled when you were reconciled and DD2 was on the way. I can't tell you how sorry I am that you didn't feel able to confide in us about all that you have been struggling with (yes, you told us H had moved out again last month but none of the background)
I won't comment on H or his family, it has already been said, except to say that I think they are behaving utterly disgracefully and dont deserve their children/grandchildren or your consideration.
As to your immediate future, I personally in your position would take my time before changing too much ...first because you have invested an immense of time and effort in your studies, it would be terrible if you had to abandon your course with just 3 modules to go (unless you can transfer to another college) and second to move the children from the environment/friends/nursery that they are familiar and comfortable with when there has already been a major change in their lives may not be good for them so soon (though I can quite understand how it must already feel an age when you have been managing solo 24/7 for the whole holiday periodsad).
As to childcare (how I wish I lived near you sad) I personally have a lot of those 'friends', met through baby activities with DS, who I thought to be superficial until relatively recently ...but a couple of them made generous childcare offers when I was in a bit of a hole and, as things turned out, I was able to return the compliment...we recently formed our own mini informal creche to allow us each to go to the gym and have become good friends.. we have even started socialising without children wink Are there none of the 'superficial' friends or fellow students (other lone parents?) who might be willing to swap childcare duties while you finish your course? Things must surely get easier when DD1 returns to nursery in a couple of weeks?
Though I completely understand your instinct to want to run to the security of home or friends, if you can only keep going with the same strength and dignity you did last time your H let you down so badly and can find the energy and fortitude to find the help you need, then when you have completed your studies and are armed with your qualifications, you will be in a stronger position to know what you want to do with your life and the future of your beautiful daughters...forge a new one here or return to the comfort of your large and supportive family.
Whatever you decide I know it will be well considered and the best you can do for you and your girls and sincerely hope you will feel able share with those of us who feel we know you so well through our thread even though we have never met. (((((((hugs))))))

notsorted Mon 22-Aug-11 23:14:29

Go for the family option. It sounds as if you are slightly worried re the friend being better off? a bit posher? than you. It can be slightly dispiriting to see couples all around you when your home life is a bit less than idyllic. Plus family know you best and can forgive and understand more.
When things are a bit more settled and baby settled, can you go and visit her if it gets a bit too claustrophobic at home.
There is a support thread her for partners of addicts. Cocaine sounds much worse than alcohol because of the money issue.
Basically an addict is only in love with the bottle/next fix. He needs to fall out of love with that, you need all your strength to continue being a great mum and nurturing the DCs and yourself.

Bandwithering Mon 22-Aug-11 23:27:48

omg,, start a new life with your friends and your parents. There will be nothing to stop him coming to see his daughters. You can NOT be a good father for him, but you can, if you consider your own needs, and you do need to do this, be a good mother

EvaLongoria Tue 23-Aug-11 00:09:50

Thanks for the replies
fumble Not sure if womensaid and places like that is ideal place to contact only because he no longer live here. I just wish he can do his share as it stops me from doing anything because I have no one to mind the girls for me. I would never leave them with him if he has used anything but when he is with them he is amazing. Also when he is not abusing any drug he take DD1 for days out with or without me. He is fully capable to look after them both when he is not involved with drugs. But right now that is more important to him then anything else.

Dal Thanks for your reply. I am strong for my girls as I am the only person in their life and the only constant thing. And thats what I feel as well. Just disgust. Last time he treated me badly. But this time he literally refused to feed his kids. To think that I married this man. Slept in his bed and yet that is how he treats his kids.

ThereGoes Thanks for your message. And yes his family are all as bad. That is why I feel like I want to cut all contact with them as well as they only confuse my DD. His mum just retired from being a primary school teacher. Told my DD before hols how they were going to bake and stuff(things DD1 loves doing). Its end of the hols they havent done anything with her. Only call me if and when their son moans to them and gives demands and they then try and put pressure on me. So now no longer answer phone to any of them. My family are very supportive. As much as my parents want me back home they also think its better that I finish college first. (My main reason for leaving country in the first place because of high unemployment rate). H & I actually agreed before that if anything ever should happen to us that my sister would have them instead of his 2 sisters as they are not interested in my kids. Will PM you.

FT Sorry I know naughty of me. I didnt tell anyone really you lovely ladies and also close friends and family because of the fact that we separated before and we got back together. Not wanting to hear the "We told you so" or wanting to let everyone know that again I made a wrong choice. I am glad you have some friends that you can use for childcare. As lovely as the mums are here. Even if I mention anything to them. They will appear all concern and thats it. There wont be any contact later to ask how I am, Is all ok. Next contact would therefore be me to arrange a playdate for the little ones. But I am good. The one mum that can help a little she is currently on holiday. She is a single mum but dating. Just because her son is starting school and been in nursery she started working and therfore cant really help much. Last time she looked after DD1 when I was stuck for childcare for college.
Also what you said about finishing college and that is why I want to stay here until I finish but childminder can only have them until 5:30. College is till 8pm so I would get home after 9pm. Normally H would collect DD but now he refuse to arrange to leave work at 5 instead of 7 to pick them up from new childminder. Meaning I might not be able to go to college after all without childcare.

notsorted Cant say I am really worried about friends being better off. I must say I am less confident now (weight issues) but have never thought that anyone was better then me. Even if I have grammer issues, less money, etc. My friends are from all over. And I have dentists and professors as my friends and I am all on a first name basis with them. Not sure I need something for partners for addicts because when I wanted to help I booked a councellor and saw one as well. But he we are separated now and I want to divorce him so not my issue. He will only be allowed his kids once he is clean anyway. But thanks for the tip.

MadameOvary Tue 23-Aug-11 00:12:07

Hello Eva,
Echoing what other posters say - take the family option. You need to be shored up emotionally to be able to go on. Please keep posting, you are going to need a lot of support, your X is one of the worst I have read about for entitled, abusive, appalling behaviour. I am impressed at your resolve in the face of such manipulative twattery. It takes a lot to maintain that kind of strength, especially if his family are behind him, enabling his behaviour.

kayah Tue 23-Aug-11 01:41:41

Eva - if you are here on your own it is going to be very, very hard before it get's better.

For you to take your kids away from their dad is going to take you ages as ex has to agree for you to go....

I don't know how this procedure is done ut you need to go to your Embassy, apply for their passports.
Maybe youe embassy has a lawyer who could advise you?

I am here in similar situation (also non-british) , separated, but my kids are much older (14 and 12) and their life is here, so I stay put smile

Are there any websites where yo ucould chat to girls from your country and ask for advice?

Book a visit in your local CAB office, get the ball rolling.
We can only hope that if your ex is a drug user and abused your trust court would be on your side.

I would make sure to keep diary with all his contacts, messages, the ways he treats you etc, That would come handy in the future.

You must ask for maintenance so you can support yourself and your kids.
It's not a handout but the right of your kids to be supported by their father.

EvaLongoria Tue 23-Aug-11 11:39:33


Thanks for the replies. Kayah I know he will make sure that I wont take my kids out of the country. I also know I have a strong case to proof it would be better for emotional support moving to my family. But unless I can guarantee a permanent job with benefits like Medical Aid, etc I will not be able to put my kids in good schools and have the money for doctors, etc.
DD1 has a passport because we went to Malta once and twice to my birth country. As soon as I get money I can apply for DD2 passport.

With his history I know legally he doesnt stand a chance but he would try and make it difficult though. So I need to be strong enough to be able to get past that.

I will be making sure he pays for his kids. Trying to work out on paper what would be best.

Its just so hard with DD1. She hasnt asked much but on the days that he promised he will be here and then wasnt. Today she asked what day it was and at almost 4 knows that Tuesday is Daddy's day off. I am trying to distract her which is the only thing I can do.

CrochetDiva Tue 23-Aug-11 20:28:59

Nothing really to add, just wanted to let you know that we're all thinking of you, and will support you whatever you decide to do.
I also wanted to echo what FT said: you've invested a lot of time and effort into your college course: it would be a shame for it to go to waste.

Much love to you and the girls.

oneveryhappymama Tue 23-Aug-11 21:29:43

Eva you are a stronger person than me for going through this for such a long time. I wish i could give you some constructive advice, buy i think FT has said it all for me.

You have soo many big decisions to make, so take your time, don;t rush into anything and certainly not be pressurised or blackmailed into anything.

Please don;t feel as though you can't talk to your MN friends, we would never judge or say 'i told you so'.

sending you huge hugs xxxxxxxxx

kayah Wed 24-Aug-11 00:39:55

Have you considered sharing accomodation with someone who would in return help you with your childcare?

Iguess you need a bit of a hand in the morning to get you going and to pick up your kids from your childminder??

EvaLongoria Wed 24-Aug-11 01:08:20

Thanks for replies. Just finished my ironing. I really still trying to sort out. Spoke to my mum on the phone tonight and she obviously wants me home but wants me to finish college. When she asked what his parents and sisters are doing/saying and I told her how they just not caring really cos he messed them all up by now but now punishing my kids for his mistakes. She then said maybe its good if I move away. So now need to see if I can see my tutor on Thursday to discuss and hopefully find childcare else my 3 year old just wont sit still long enough.

Also had a call from his sister looking for H cos his granny has taken a turn for the worse. They fear that she might not make it through the night. So all of this will have to be dealt with first.

Childminders here dont really want to work longer than 5:30 or 6pm for the latest. He is therefore suppose to take over but refusing to. Cant really afford financially or space wise an Au Pair. Had one to help with DD1 last time.

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