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Think I'm about to become a lone parent...again! Feel like a failure.

(10 Posts)
RockLover Mon 22-Aug-11 13:39:03

My son is only 6 months old and I'm afraid that my fiance and I are going to have to split up. I am already divorced from my 6 year old DD's dad and I can't bear the thought of doing the same thing with my DS.

The problem is that I am suffering with panic and anxiety (due to a bad pregnancy and possibly a touch of post natal depression), it's got to the point where I can't go out much and I am suffering from multiple panic attacks a day, even when at home. I feel sick 24/7 and I am just about able to care for my beautiful children.

However, I am staying with my parents during the school holidays so that they can help me out, but I live 200 miles away from them (moved in with my partner a year ago). I really want to move back up to my home town so that I have a support network, but my partner says he can't do it and he is now having a breakdown about it as well.

I feel so guilty about needing to be near my family, but it really would be best for the children whilst I am ill and even when I am better there are a million reasons why moving back near my family will be better for us all.

I am terrified of being judged as a terrible person if I become a lone parent now that i have 2 kids, but my partner is just not able to come with me and I am very unhappy living where we do. If we split am I going to be a really bad person? We have only been together for about 2 1/2 years.sad

MeMySonAndI Mon 22-Aug-11 14:17:11

Does he wants to split?

RockLover Mon 22-Aug-11 14:32:00

No he doesn't want to split, but he has only ever lived in his local area and is terrified to move anywhere else. So if I want to move I will probably have to do it alone.

There is alot more to the move than just my mental health (sorry I don't mean to drip feed), my DD's father lives closer to my parents than me and access would be much simpler, especailly as i am not up to the 4 hour drive currently. My partner doesn't drive (he is scared to learn) so I have been ferrying 2 kids up and down the motorway on my own (and my DS always screams in the car, often for over an hour straight) and having no help with the travelling is very hard.

I also feel very isolated as we live in a 2 bed flat and have no room for my parents or sister to stay with us, so I don't see them very often any more. I don't really know anyone where I live and feel very alone, my partner is trying to get me to rely on his friends during my illness, but I don't know them well enough to be comfortable with them seeing me at my worst.

We live in a rural area and if we want to go anywhere other than town it means driving...hence it's down to me. And since I haven't been feeling well I have a massive guilty conscience about my DD not getting out enough.

I feel very selfish asking him to move, but on the other hand I feel that I have tried hard to fit in and be happy down in my partner's local area for over a year and it hasn't worked. I feel that maybe he could give living in my area a go.

I wouldn't move if I didn't feel it was the best decision as my DD will have to move school again which I would never make her do unless absolutely necessary, so this isn't just a whim. But everything has turned out to be so bloody complicated and I feel like I've made a mess of everything.

MeMySonAndI Mon 22-Aug-11 14:42:59

Everybody will come and tell you that you are a bit selfish, that you now have a family with this man and it is your place to make things work -together- where ever you are. That your child has a right to stay by his father.

I do think that you have to seek help (more help, if there is some already in place) in order to improve your health. I understand that you want the support network, but will they be still there and so available if you are there in a long term basis? You have a very young child, things will get better when he needs less attention, you are getting some good sleep and your are less tired.

Having said that, if after another 6 months to 1 year, things are not getting better, you are still unhappy and you need that network of support for the sake of your children, then perhaps a move will not be so ill advised, at the end of the day, the relationship won't survive that either, and if things are going to blow up anyway, they better do where there is more support to raise those children on your own sad

irishsarahharris Mon 22-Aug-11 14:45:56

It may be less work to work on the relationship you already have with RELATE. Unless hes violent or cruel to you.

RockLover Mon 22-Aug-11 14:58:40

It's not the relationship, I absolutely hate where we live. I am on the waiting list for CBT, but apart from that I have no other help. I don't know how I'm going to get my DD up to see her dad as I cannot drive the 200 miles at the moment. He will not come down to see herm, so that is not an option.

My Mum gave up her job early (she was due to leave at the end of this month) to help me out), so there is long term help up here.

Surely if I have given it a go down there my DP should be willing to try living somewhere else too? That's the problem, everything seems to be my responsibility, I have to stay somewhere that I don't like living in order to make his life as easy as possible.

I made a mistake moving away from my family, I realise that now but it feels like I am being punished for it. If I delay moving for a year I won't be able to do it as I am not moving my DD from school when she is nearly 8, it would make more sense to do it when she is younger and doesn't have any firm relationships yet.

RockLover Mon 22-Aug-11 14:59:27

*her, not herm!

MumblingRagDoll Mon 22-Aug-11 18:47:17

You shouldn't think in terms of nearly 8 being too old for her to re-settle...it's not. The age to worry about that is once theyve started high school.

Friendships are very transient at primary age and they make and drop them easily.

Being a lone parent however will be hard....which is hrder? Staying where you are with a partner? Or being a single parent with your parent close by? Your parents are not your partner.

PaigeTurner Mon 22-Aug-11 18:55:57

Hi Rocklover, I was hanging around the pregnancy board when you were, sorry to hear things aren't much better.

It seems you have responsibility for everything anyway, getting your DD to see her dad, doing a lot for your DP (esp as he doesn't drive) plus looking after your new arrival - when you're feeling fragile I expect that feels daunting.

If you went back to your family, how would your DP see your DS? Would you be driving him to his dad as well as your DD to hers? That doesn't sound workable.

What else have you tried for your anxiety? Could you get some hypnotherapy perhaps?

Also I'm inclined to think your DP is being a little selfish if he won't even consider a move out of his own area... but then I've moved around a lot and don't find it a big deal, I hear other people do.

RockLover Mon 22-Aug-11 19:46:11

Hi Paige, nice to talk to you again. If I moved back to my home town DD would be much closer to her Dad and I wouldn't have to drive her anywhere as he collects her on the train. Granted I would have to drive DS down to DP (although he could come up too), but I feel I would recover better up here and so I'd be able to drive long distances again.

Also, the job situation where we live is dire, so when I want to get back to work it would be very hard. The area is a rural holiday area, short on jobs and I'd probably have to drive into neihbouring towns which would impact on childcare, therefore making it non viable. Up here there are more jobs and I could get something that would work better with childcare, plus I would have my parents/sister for emergencies, whereas where I live now, I have no backup at all.

I have never tried hypnotherapy, but I am having counselling/CBT at the moment.

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